Lunch Time at the School House

It is Catholic School's week this week. Growing up in a Catholic school, I have many memories of this week. We had to be thankful for our school a lot. We made ugly Kleenex Mums for Moms. (Mine always looked like I wadded up a bunch of Kleenex and stuck them on a piece of paper. Never the Artist) We had Donuts for Dads, which ALWAYS totally sucked. My dad worked at a school 50 minutes away, so we had to get up and get to school REALLY EARLY. He'd eat a donut and then leave. We would be with the kids whose dads didn't come and have to sit and watch all the happy families. In hindsight, we probably sat for like twenty minutes but for a little kid, it seemed like FOREVER.

Today was A.'s family day. We had an indoor picnic. I read the little flier and thought I had everything covered. J. took off to come, my friend picked up C. after school so I didn't have to leave early, ordered food from a restaurant. I even took a shower, put on decent clothes and did not smell like smoke. I arrived on time and began to walk towards the school, carrying lunches and our blanket. Of course, I forgot about the blanket until I got there and saw all the GM's carrying friggin picnic baskets and red checkered "picnic blankets". Luckily I remembered that we always have a blanket in the back of the car. ( I keep it in case the car is stranded in the middle of a blizzard and I don't have cell service and the Chester Cheetah blanket becomes our only means of staying warm and not dying a slow painful death where all our limbs fall off one at time and all that is left is frostbitten nubs of what we once were. I have a plan for everything)

Anyhoo, I carry our goodies into the building. I forgot to mention that I even Febreezed (a new verb) my coat so I smelled like flowers instead of a bar. J. was there. We wandered into the cafeteria, glancing around for a place to sit. All the other families were co-mingling and talking. They bunched up next to each other. Finally we found a spot. I unwrapped my blanket only to discover to my horror that the blanket was COVERED in dog hair and other crusty particles. I found myself in a pickle. Do we sit on the linoleum and pretend we "forgot" our blanket or do we spread our disease and filth for all to see? For those of you who know me, know that I would rather be perceived as stupid than filthy. I discreetly placed the blanket under my coat on a chair. J. suggested I got outside and shake it out. No amount of shaking was gonna get this thing clean. I suddenly wished for a rock and washboard.

As we were standing, looking around at the other families, a popular family arrived and started to put down their blanket and wooden picnic basket in OUR place. It was as if we were NOT even standing there. OOH NO! YOU BETTER BACK IT UP SISTER! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! Here's how it went:

Bitch: " Umm, are you sitting here?" ( No, whore we're just standing in the middle of the room staring at each other CUZ WE CRAZY!!!)
Me: (smiling that really fake smile you know I have) Yes, we are.
Bitch: (LOOKED ME UP AN DOWN and then gave that smirk) Oh, sorry we didn't see you there.
Me: DIDN'T SEE ME! DIDN'T SEE ME! DO YOU SEE ME NOW?! (this is the part when I get in her grill and start smacking her)
Okay the real me: (smiling still) Oh, that's okay we haven't set up yet.

How the hell can she say" she didn't see us". J. is only like 7 foot tall and I looked pissed all the time. At least she could have thought, "Who's that bitch with the giant?"

Anyhoo, we are the ONLY people with no blanket. Okay, no bigggie. Then everyone starts breaking out games to play. Card games, cute little word games, all that shit. THEN comes the brownies. Of course, we have no games and no brownies. There we are, the bitch, the giant and the little girl, sitting on cold linoleum looking at each other, pretending we are enjoying ourselves. We eat really fast in our family, so our picnic took about 5 minutes. Everyone else took 45.

Eventually J. had to go back to work, so it was just me and A. I tried to look like a GM, teaching her patty cake games of my youth, only to find myself getting really frustrated because she wanted to go hang out with other kids' families. NO WAY!!! WE ARE GOING TO LOOK LIKE A HAPPY FAMILY IF IT KILLS YOU!!

Finally it was over and I could wipe that silly smile off my face and take my voice down an octave. I walked out into the cold and almost got hit by a car. Maybe I really am invisible...