Life Lessons Learned

A. had her birthday party today. Here are some lessons I have learned:

1. 30 kids are 29 too many.
2. Bossy women should be smacked.
3. I'm too old.
4. Early childhood teachers are insane.
5. Boys bring a WHOLE new level to chaos.
6. Red headed children really are the devil's spawn.
7. I will never do this again.
8. My kid isn't really so bad.
9. Men are as much help as kids.
10. I will never do this again.

We foolishly invited the whole first grade to A.'s party. I planned it with another mother. She is a bitch. She barked at me TWICE!! You all will be happy to know that I kept my Good Mommy face on and didn't smack her.

Did I say that I will never do this again?

A little ditty...

Here's a little ditty that my very talented son sang to me as he was getting undressed and ready for bed. I won't do it justice but it goes a little something like this....

I like to pee, pee, pee
I like to pee in the toilet.

I like to poop, poop, poop
I like to poop in the toilet.

I like to fart, fart, fart
I like to fart on Mommy.

I like to diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea
I like to diarrhea in the toilet.

(this is to the tune of "I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas" and he is naked.)

Anatomy of a Bad Day

5:00 AM: You are pulled from a deep sleep by a four year old in wet pajamas.
5:15 AM: You are doing a load of laundry because he just peed in the only set of clean sheets.
5:30 AM: You are encouraging, pleading, threatening that four year old to go back to sleep
5:35 AM: You give up and tell him that as long as he plays quietly he can play in the playroom.
5:35-6:35: You hear various crashing noises, but believe if you ignore it, the noise will stop.
6:35: Your idiot brother calls. He forgets about the hour time difference. He forgot to get a gift for your daughter. He'll send you a check. You know that pigs will crap on you from heaven before that happens.

6:40AM: You go downstairs to make coffee. You hear your six year old and four year old fighting.
6:45AM: You question child abuse laws.
7:00AM: You see your children attempting to kill a bug as they throw themselves against walls and into tables and crashing on to toys.
7:15AM: You go back downstairs and wonder if it is too late to consider adoption.


9:00AM You get everyone to school. You arrive at your place of business and recognize that the pits on your new shirt are very visible and that if you lift up your arm, your class will be able to see your underwear and stretchmarks. You realize for the rest of the day you will be walking like robot.

9:15AM: You realize that you never printed out the quiz you were going to hand out.
9:30 AM: You wing it and have to write the questions on the board. Unfortunately you have the 9:00 problem, so you can only write half way down the board and everyone is complaining that they can't see the questions.

11:30: cell phone vibrates on the podium. You don't recognize the number so you ignore it.
12:15: You retrieve your messages to find out that your four year old had an allergic reaction and that the school has been calling all over town looking for a parent. (Good mother award) By the time you reach the school, they have given him Benadryl and he's passed out on the couch in the director's office. You ask if you can pick him up after your last class.
12:30: You realize it was picture day today and that although he made it to school with no marks on his face, that he had his picture taken in the middle of an allergic reaction. (His photo album is going to be an interesting story of injury and illness)

2:00: You burn yourself with a cigarette that you are not supposed to be smoking.
4:30: You fight with your six year old about homework. Again you contemplate child abuse laws.

8:00: You settle down to watch TV and unwind only to find that your significant other beat you to it and is watching a documentary on WWII. He is only willing to change it for the baseball game.

8:53: You decide that this day has sucked and you go to bed.

Random thoughts

1. I have a Master's Degree but could not work at Sonic because I can't make change in my head.
2. I smell worse than my dog (and you know he STANKS) after working out.
3. It makes no sense to put on deodorant before working out.
4. Sonic tastes SOOOOO yummy. Cherry Limeaids.......
5. I can waste time like nobody else.
6. naps are good.
7. Sonic is good for the soul.

FREE BALLIN

C. forgot to put on underpants (sorry Kate) yesterday. I noticed this when I saw his pj's with his underwear still in them. Luckily it's hot and he was wearing shorts and his Batman costume.

He's my kid...

C. started full day pre-school this week. He wore his Batman costume every day. On Wednesday, I asked the teacher how he was doing. She let me know that he walked into a pole that morning and in the afternoon, he informed her that he was not interested in participating in the group activities and that he was going to go take a nap. He slept for an hour.

You know your child....

is a dork when they start becoming obsessed with Star Wars. A. has moved from O-D-D to
D-O-R-K in the course of three weeks. She wants to be an OLD MAN STAR WARS character for Halloween. She plays Star Wars at recess with her two dork friends (the boy with the lazy eye who only plays with the girls and the fat girl). I want her to be friends with everyone but COME ON!!!

You all remember those kids. They brought their Star Wars figures to school and played separated from everyone. THEY WERE FREAKSHOWS!! I was discussing my plight with another mother who said," Oh, I think it's cute." I asked her,"Is it cute because it is my kid and not yours?" She didn't know what to say. Everyone from my generation know what happens to the kids who obsess over Star Wars. Fast forward ten years and we are talking Dungeons and Dragons. Fast forward another five years and she has changed her name to Eden and is on tour with the Renaissance Festival dressed as a wench.

Maybe the lesbian jock crowd was not such a bad idea.

Imagine if you will...

a turtle on its back. That is what I resembled this week after my work out. My daughter had to help me get up because I was stuck. With every movement I wanted to punch someone in the head.

Luckily the day after the torture session I had to teach. I park nine miles (ok, not really but it sure felt that way) from the school. College students get VERY IMPATIENT with slow moving people. They were all up on me! I had to say BACK IT UP I AM MOVING AS FAST AS I CAN!! I CURSE YOU WITH OLD AGE!!! Okay, so I didn't say that but I thought it. I also thought about stopping suddenly and having one of these wisenheimers trip over themselves trying to avoid running into the old fat lady.

I took the elevator one flight. Every muscle in my body was spassing, which made me kind of look like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. All of my exercisy kind of friends tell me that this is great that I am sore, I just have to power through it, I'm going to be so happy that I did this, BLAH BLAH BLAH. They are stupid.

OH TO THE GOOD LORD ABOVE AND GLORY BE

I went to my first Body Conditioning Anti Jiggle class today. Lord have MERCY!!! Is it a bad sign if you are sore before the class is over. I'm afraid to sit for too long as I may not be able to get up. I honestly don't know why the instructors don't wear dominatrix outfits.

Speaking of my instructor, Wendy or Tammy or Sunshine or Stupid Fucking woman, WHATEVER, she annoys me already. I can handle the rainbow and unicorn instructors, it's the "you are beautiful", "you are doing this for you" pieces of crap that I want to smash in the head with my hand weight. If I were beautiful I WOULD NOT BE HERE!!! I AM FAT! I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR ME! IF I WERE DOING SOMETHING FOR ME I'D BE AT A BAR GETTING DRUNK AND SMOKING A PACK OF CIGARETTES!

Whew...I feel better. There are also A LOT of annoying women who talk through the whole thing. SHUT THE HELL UP! It's coming folks, I'm going to snap.

Finally, for the laugh of the day, we were using exercise balls. We were supposed to slide out on bellies. Well, I might have slid a little fast and slid right over the ball and on to my face....

I AM, I AM, I AM SUPERMAN

Good AM!! It's been awhile since I blogged and this time it is not my fault. The site was acting crazy and wouldn't let me on.

Anyway, SCHOOL HAS STARTED!!! (insert image of me doing the running man, switching to the cabbage patch and on over to the prep) WHOO HOOO!! I never thought I would make it. J. took C. to school yesterday. C. insisted on wearing his Batman cape. J. tried to reason with him. I thought J. would be happy that it was the Batman costume.

For the past couple of weeks, C. has been wearing a Robin costume. He wanted a Robin movie. In the middle of Blockbuster I was trying to explain to him why there were no Robin movies. Robin is Batman's bitch. How do you explain that to a four year old?

Finally J. was able to talk him into the Superman costume. Guys are funny about that stuff. I just told J. that C. was actually pretty smart being Robin...management sucks.