Indoor soccer started last night. I hemmed and hawwed about whether or not I would go. I decided at the last minute to go. I finally found all my gear and started to get dressed. Apparently I haven't exercised in awhile because my sports bra was too small and I didn't realize it til I got it on. DANG! I need to exercise. What is worse than a sports bra that doesn't fit is a sports bra that doesn't fit that also won't come off. I was stuck in my bra. This did not bode well for the night. Eventually I wriggled and pulled and got the dang thing off. Why don't they make those with hooks? Anyways!
I get to the soccer dome and see who is there. The butch, ass whoopin, bitch from last season is not there!!! HURRAY! I am already glad that I came. I have mentioned before that I am not much of a player. I fell numerous times, just running. So I devised a new strategy. I call it the "run right at someone and jump in the air while yelling" move. It worked every time. Except once. You have to modify it to the "run right at someone and jump in the air while yelling" only if that person is smaller or more timid than you are. I tried it on a fat lady and bounced right off her and landed on my butt. She was like a marshmellow brick wall. She got game!
So I am really sore today. Everyone said that I should feel good that I got a good workout and my muscles need it and blah, blah blah. Mostly I just feel like I ran into a marshmellow wall.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
The Art of Napping
I do not do a lot of things well and I accept that. However, when it comes to napping I am hard to beat. I thought about napping a lot this week as I was very tired. I came to realize that there are various forms of naps and you have to know which on you have time to participate in at any given time or place.
Here is my list of favorites in order of appreciation:
1. The hard core nap: This nap is almost like a night's sleep. It usually follows a late night/early morning error in judgment. In order to take this nap, you must prepare. This is a nap that is at least two hours in length with no interruptions. This is a nap that cannot be taken on a couch or in a chair. This is the nap that returns you to bed. This nap requires no children or spouses or phone calls to interrupt. It is a quiet house nap. This nap also requires the removal of all earrings, belts and often a return to nighttime sleeping garb. This is the nap that you look forward to the minute you wake up in the morning and plan for til it happens. This is also the nap most likely to be thwarted by unforeseen circumstances that will irritate the hopeful sleeper. That insensitive bastard will ask, "What else were you going to do today?" and the napper will respond, "I was going to take a nap." This nap is the most difficult to come by so when you get the opportunity, you must seize it for you know not when it will come your way again.
2. The couch nap: This is similar to the hard core nap in the napper's anticipation. However, the time is limited and a full hard core nap may not be available. This is the time that children are sleeping or your spouse has take the kids out to run errands. This could be about an hour and a half nap if you go to sleep as soon as you hear the door close. This nap requires the removal of shoes and possibly belts and the acquisition of the"couch blanket". The problem with this nap is that as soon as the house is quiet you are trying to will yourself to sleep to maximize what time you have left. The clock becomes you enemy. Sometimes this pressure is too much for the novice napper.
3. The "resting your eyes" nap: This is usually on the couch or in a chair, where there are people still in the house. You have set the kids up with a movie or you have about 30 minutes before you have to be somewhere. You may set an alarm to ensure you get up. This nap requires that you remain in your uncomfortable clothes, with the exception of shoes. You lay in an unnatural position and are somewhat alert to sounds around you. There should be no snoring in this nap. You want to make yourself just uncomfortable enough that you don't mistakenly slip into a full couch nap. This nap may also happen when you are too tired to go to bed while watching TV or a movie. You may end up sleeping on the couch that night. This nap must be used with the utmost care as to not miss engagements or your children sneaking Halloween candy.
4. Finally, the 5 minute power nap: This often occurs in the car on a road trip, airplane or at your desk at work. The head bob, your head sliding off your fist or the startle of someone walking by are the indications that you have fallen asleep. You don't realize that you have fallen asleep and are usually embarrassed when you awaken. The result of this nap is usually embarrassment, drool, stiff neck and an arm that has fallen asleep. Though often necessary this is my least favorite of the naps.
My belief is that naps are good for the most part. The only time you need to be careful and begin to wish you hadn't taken a nap is when you planned for one nap and got another. You also need to be mindful of the time in which the nap occurs. The after dinner nap is a dangerous one because it can lead to a late bedtime and the need for a nap the next day. Only experienced nappers should try the after dinner nap. I always suggest the 1:00 nap. It's after lunch but long enough before bed that you can usually work in a "rest your eyes" nap that won't impact your nighttime routine. Also be aware that even after a 5 minute nap that your breath will smell like you have been sleeping for three day. Butt mouth can occur in minutes....
Finally, I warn you of those people in your life who don't nap. They don't know how to nap, they don't appreciate naps and they think naps are a waste of time. They are jealous people. They are manipulative people and they are people who will look for mundane tasks for you to do instead of napping. They are vindictive and complain that you are "lazy". Please know that you are simply more evolved. Avoid these people, they cannot be trusted.
On that note...happy napping.
Here is my list of favorites in order of appreciation:
1. The hard core nap: This nap is almost like a night's sleep. It usually follows a late night/early morning error in judgment. In order to take this nap, you must prepare. This is a nap that is at least two hours in length with no interruptions. This is a nap that cannot be taken on a couch or in a chair. This is the nap that returns you to bed. This nap requires no children or spouses or phone calls to interrupt. It is a quiet house nap. This nap also requires the removal of all earrings, belts and often a return to nighttime sleeping garb. This is the nap that you look forward to the minute you wake up in the morning and plan for til it happens. This is also the nap most likely to be thwarted by unforeseen circumstances that will irritate the hopeful sleeper. That insensitive bastard will ask, "What else were you going to do today?" and the napper will respond, "I was going to take a nap." This nap is the most difficult to come by so when you get the opportunity, you must seize it for you know not when it will come your way again.
2. The couch nap: This is similar to the hard core nap in the napper's anticipation. However, the time is limited and a full hard core nap may not be available. This is the time that children are sleeping or your spouse has take the kids out to run errands. This could be about an hour and a half nap if you go to sleep as soon as you hear the door close. This nap requires the removal of shoes and possibly belts and the acquisition of the"couch blanket". The problem with this nap is that as soon as the house is quiet you are trying to will yourself to sleep to maximize what time you have left. The clock becomes you enemy. Sometimes this pressure is too much for the novice napper.
3. The "resting your eyes" nap: This is usually on the couch or in a chair, where there are people still in the house. You have set the kids up with a movie or you have about 30 minutes before you have to be somewhere. You may set an alarm to ensure you get up. This nap requires that you remain in your uncomfortable clothes, with the exception of shoes. You lay in an unnatural position and are somewhat alert to sounds around you. There should be no snoring in this nap. You want to make yourself just uncomfortable enough that you don't mistakenly slip into a full couch nap. This nap may also happen when you are too tired to go to bed while watching TV or a movie. You may end up sleeping on the couch that night. This nap must be used with the utmost care as to not miss engagements or your children sneaking Halloween candy.
4. Finally, the 5 minute power nap: This often occurs in the car on a road trip, airplane or at your desk at work. The head bob, your head sliding off your fist or the startle of someone walking by are the indications that you have fallen asleep. You don't realize that you have fallen asleep and are usually embarrassed when you awaken. The result of this nap is usually embarrassment, drool, stiff neck and an arm that has fallen asleep. Though often necessary this is my least favorite of the naps.
My belief is that naps are good for the most part. The only time you need to be careful and begin to wish you hadn't taken a nap is when you planned for one nap and got another. You also need to be mindful of the time in which the nap occurs. The after dinner nap is a dangerous one because it can lead to a late bedtime and the need for a nap the next day. Only experienced nappers should try the after dinner nap. I always suggest the 1:00 nap. It's after lunch but long enough before bed that you can usually work in a "rest your eyes" nap that won't impact your nighttime routine. Also be aware that even after a 5 minute nap that your breath will smell like you have been sleeping for three day. Butt mouth can occur in minutes....
Finally, I warn you of those people in your life who don't nap. They don't know how to nap, they don't appreciate naps and they think naps are a waste of time. They are jealous people. They are manipulative people and they are people who will look for mundane tasks for you to do instead of napping. They are vindictive and complain that you are "lazy". Please know that you are simply more evolved. Avoid these people, they cannot be trusted.
On that note...happy napping.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Oooo that smell
I had a site visit this morning at a local drop in center for people with mental illness. It has been a few years since I have worked with this population especially in this scenario. As I am walking through the door I am quickly reminded of how this population smells. SMACK right in the nose! It is nothing that can be detailed in words but I will do my best. Think a week or month without showering, mix a dash of foot and just a splash of ass and alcohol and you may just have it. WHOOOOO! It doesn't smell as much as it burns your eyes!
Anyhoo, I make my way through the smell and enter the clubhouse where I am greeted by random people who want to shake my hand and give me a hug (I gracefully declined these offers). I don't know these folks but they sure want to know me. I can see it in their faces, FRESH MEAT!!! I enter my meeting which is interrupted various times by people needing to say hello.
As I am leaving, I meet up with my friend Jenny who works there for a quick break. She looks tired but says she is doing fine. Not two minutes into our conversation she is approached by a client that I assume she knows well. He is asking for a loan. She rolls her eyes and sends him in to let other people deal with it. Smart lady. I miss this. I think that I need this in my life again. The chaos, the funny stories, the client contact. I miss it. All I get are eating disorders and failing grades and my one stalker. That's no fun. What was the most interesting change was that when I got in the car I reached for my antibacterial handi-wipes that were once a staple of my existence. I had none. What has my life become?
Anyhoo, I make my way through the smell and enter the clubhouse where I am greeted by random people who want to shake my hand and give me a hug (I gracefully declined these offers). I don't know these folks but they sure want to know me. I can see it in their faces, FRESH MEAT!!! I enter my meeting which is interrupted various times by people needing to say hello.
As I am leaving, I meet up with my friend Jenny who works there for a quick break. She looks tired but says she is doing fine. Not two minutes into our conversation she is approached by a client that I assume she knows well. He is asking for a loan. She rolls her eyes and sends him in to let other people deal with it. Smart lady. I miss this. I think that I need this in my life again. The chaos, the funny stories, the client contact. I miss it. All I get are eating disorders and failing grades and my one stalker. That's no fun. What was the most interesting change was that when I got in the car I reached for my antibacterial handi-wipes that were once a staple of my existence. I had none. What has my life become?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Grand Theft Auto
So far this school year, C. has been making real strides to be a good boy. I started to brag. I got cocky. I felt like we had finally made it over the hump. WELP, I spoke too soon.
About a week ago as I was going through C.'s backpack I found a handful of Hot Wheels. I jumped his butt about bringing cars to school. I took them out and threw them into the pile of cars. I didn't think anymore about it. Until Thursday. The teacher approached me as I was dropping him off and said that there was a rumor that C. had "borrowed" (early childhood teacher speak for STOLE) some cars from school and did I know anything about it. I said no and turned to C. and asked him. He looked me dead in the face and said, "No Mom. I don't know anything about that." My heart so wanted to believe him. He wouldn't lie to me. He wouldn't. BUT my head said...he took them and now he's lying to me that little sneak.
Of course in the background, C's best friend (the snitch) yells to me, "HE IS LYING HE STOLE THEM!!" But looking at that little face and not wanting to believe that he would do it, I walked away and assured the teacher I would investigate.
Once home, I asked him again. "No Mom" was the answer. So, I tricked him. I used the tricks I learned from watching NYPD Blue. I got in his kitchen. I told him I needed to go look in his room for the contraband. "No Mom. The door is locked." We, of course have no locks on the door. Because we have 3,000 Hot Wheels and they all look the same to me, I got A. to help me. She loves to rat on him. Finally he confessed and handed over the hot Hot Wheels. I WAS FURIOUS!! I sent him to his room as not to kill him. J. came home and handled it by taking some of his cars. "YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART!!!" was all I heard from our little thief. GOOD!!
So far on his road to the state pen, we have practiced our escape, proclaiming innocence, buckling under interrogation and finally confessing. By the time he is legal he will be well practiced. Hopefully he will learn not to pick friends who snitch.
About a week ago as I was going through C.'s backpack I found a handful of Hot Wheels. I jumped his butt about bringing cars to school. I took them out and threw them into the pile of cars. I didn't think anymore about it. Until Thursday. The teacher approached me as I was dropping him off and said that there was a rumor that C. had "borrowed" (early childhood teacher speak for STOLE) some cars from school and did I know anything about it. I said no and turned to C. and asked him. He looked me dead in the face and said, "No Mom. I don't know anything about that." My heart so wanted to believe him. He wouldn't lie to me. He wouldn't. BUT my head said...he took them and now he's lying to me that little sneak.
Of course in the background, C's best friend (the snitch) yells to me, "HE IS LYING HE STOLE THEM!!" But looking at that little face and not wanting to believe that he would do it, I walked away and assured the teacher I would investigate.
Once home, I asked him again. "No Mom" was the answer. So, I tricked him. I used the tricks I learned from watching NYPD Blue. I got in his kitchen. I told him I needed to go look in his room for the contraband. "No Mom. The door is locked." We, of course have no locks on the door. Because we have 3,000 Hot Wheels and they all look the same to me, I got A. to help me. She loves to rat on him. Finally he confessed and handed over the hot Hot Wheels. I WAS FURIOUS!! I sent him to his room as not to kill him. J. came home and handled it by taking some of his cars. "YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART!!!" was all I heard from our little thief. GOOD!!
So far on his road to the state pen, we have practiced our escape, proclaiming innocence, buckling under interrogation and finally confessing. By the time he is legal he will be well practiced. Hopefully he will learn not to pick friends who snitch.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Tight seats
I had a meeting yesterday in a big auditorium with small seats with almost no leg room. I walked into the auditorium and carefully selected an aisle seat near the back exit so that I could escape if need be. I had a few minutes, so I left me stuff on the third chair and went to get a coffee. I was stopped in the hallway and had a conversation. I turned to enter the auditorium and was motioned to close the door. I did. However, I did not hold the door as it slammed. Luckily the meeting had just begun. I kept my eyes on my coffee and the stairs and climbed back to my safe spot. Unfortunately, a very large man had taken my seat on the aisle. My stuff was still there on the third seat. I realized that I was going to have to climb. There was not enough room for both of us on the landing. I climb over him without spilling. So happy! I settle in to my very small seat and begin to daydream and doodle.
After about 10 minutes, an attractive colleague of mine enters the auditorium. He scans the room to find the most inconspicuous seat. Apparently it was between me and the fat guy. I liked having a seat between me and the person next to me. I need space. I need to feel free. Now this guy has taken the "in between" seat. The seats are so close together I can tell he is chewing spearmint flavored gum. This also means that he can smell my coffee, cigarette butt mouth.
I lean as far away from him as possible without falling out of the chair. I haven't eaten. My stomach growls, LOUDLY. Both men look at me and smile. LORD HAVE MERCY! I think that I should scoot down but think, will that bring more attention to the fact that I am a freakshow. As I am focusing on the should I, shouldn't I conversation in my head, my phone rings. I ignore it. It rings again. I have to get it. I proceed to fall over the two guys as I am trying to quietly get out!
I resolve the issue and return to get my stuff. I climb back over the two guys, stepping on their feet and unfortunately putting my butt right in their faces. I sit down, exasperated. Meeting adjourned.
After about 10 minutes, an attractive colleague of mine enters the auditorium. He scans the room to find the most inconspicuous seat. Apparently it was between me and the fat guy. I liked having a seat between me and the person next to me. I need space. I need to feel free. Now this guy has taken the "in between" seat. The seats are so close together I can tell he is chewing spearmint flavored gum. This also means that he can smell my coffee, cigarette butt mouth.
I lean as far away from him as possible without falling out of the chair. I haven't eaten. My stomach growls, LOUDLY. Both men look at me and smile. LORD HAVE MERCY! I think that I should scoot down but think, will that bring more attention to the fact that I am a freakshow. As I am focusing on the should I, shouldn't I conversation in my head, my phone rings. I ignore it. It rings again. I have to get it. I proceed to fall over the two guys as I am trying to quietly get out!
I resolve the issue and return to get my stuff. I climb back over the two guys, stepping on their feet and unfortunately putting my butt right in their faces. I sit down, exasperated. Meeting adjourned.
The best laid plans
I am having a frustrating week. I realize it is only Wednesday and there is much more to come. I am a tad bit on the controlling side and have planned my clothing, my schedule, my children and my husband for the whole week. I have worked very hard to make sure that my life runs as smoothly as possible so that I don't freak out and punch someone in the throat. Well, someone wants to get socked!
Monday started out as a usual day, with the exception that J. broke my iron so my pre-arranged outfit was no longer accessible. So I went to plan B. I thought it turned out fine until I got to work and realized that I had two different color shoes on. When you buy two pairs of shoes in different colors this can happen. I looked down and realized that I had one brown shoe and one blue shoe. I had appointments in the community, so I could not go home. For lunch I decided on chili. Not a good choice when wearing a white shirt. I was able to spill chili down the front of me. I had to go to psych unit that afternoon. I was mighty afraid that they would keep me, with my mismatched shoes and disheveled appearance. Katie warned me not to call J. if I was detained for fear that he would likely continue my psychiatric hold.
Tuesday was going to be the true test of my scheduling abilities. My regular babysitter does not get to the house til 4:30 on Tuesdays. The kids get out at 3:00, so I usually pick them up and bring them home. Well, this particular Tuesday I had a mandatory Wonking meeting where my presence was expected. So being the good mother that I am, I found a babysitter whom I had never met, pick up C. bring him home and wait for A. to be dropped off by another mother. I would stay at work til my night class was over. It was going to be a long day but I had everything scheduled. I left notes and keys and money for everyone involved.
At about 3:20 I get a phone call in the middle of the meeting. It is the mother who is dropping A. off. I ignore it. I am trapped in an aisle and would make a huge scene if I had answered the phone. The phone vibrates again and again. This must be an issue. I have to answer the phone. I am crawling over the laps of two large men in tiny chairs trying to answer the phone as quietly as possible. As I am answering the phone, I trip over one of the men and start to fall on the stairs. So much for a graceful exit. I whisper- yell into the phone as I begin to fall.
I finally get out into the lobby and the mother tells me that she attempted to drop off A., but no one was there. "What do you mean no one was there?" I ask in a panic. The babysitter and C. should have been home by now. I hang up and call the school. He's been picked up. I get the phone number of the babysitter from my office upstairs. The babysitter and C. were apparently lost getting home. I live two blocks from the nursery school. "How did you get lost?" I ask. Well, C. being C. decided it would be funny to trick the babysitter by telling her the wrong way to go home. He then pointed to random houses and told her that it was our house. Then he would laugh. I am livid! I had controlled for all issues except for the issue of C. being C.
I have to leave the meeting, go pick up A. and get home, so I can turn around and go back. Luckily for me J. was home. I said, "What are you doing here?"in an accusatory manner. He looked at me and said,"I got home early, why didn't you call me? You shouldn't have had to come all the way home. I could have picked up the kids." I left.
I arrived back at school and quickly realized that I was being observed by my boss this evening. I had completely forgotten. I wasn't prepared. I was sweaty and aggravated and was planning to wing it. I "ummed" and "Okay'd" through the whole presentation. Not my best performance. I thought maybe he would not notice. I got my review today. Apparently he did.
Monday started out as a usual day, with the exception that J. broke my iron so my pre-arranged outfit was no longer accessible. So I went to plan B. I thought it turned out fine until I got to work and realized that I had two different color shoes on. When you buy two pairs of shoes in different colors this can happen. I looked down and realized that I had one brown shoe and one blue shoe. I had appointments in the community, so I could not go home. For lunch I decided on chili. Not a good choice when wearing a white shirt. I was able to spill chili down the front of me. I had to go to psych unit that afternoon. I was mighty afraid that they would keep me, with my mismatched shoes and disheveled appearance. Katie warned me not to call J. if I was detained for fear that he would likely continue my psychiatric hold.
Tuesday was going to be the true test of my scheduling abilities. My regular babysitter does not get to the house til 4:30 on Tuesdays. The kids get out at 3:00, so I usually pick them up and bring them home. Well, this particular Tuesday I had a mandatory Wonking meeting where my presence was expected. So being the good mother that I am, I found a babysitter whom I had never met, pick up C. bring him home and wait for A. to be dropped off by another mother. I would stay at work til my night class was over. It was going to be a long day but I had everything scheduled. I left notes and keys and money for everyone involved.
At about 3:20 I get a phone call in the middle of the meeting. It is the mother who is dropping A. off. I ignore it. I am trapped in an aisle and would make a huge scene if I had answered the phone. The phone vibrates again and again. This must be an issue. I have to answer the phone. I am crawling over the laps of two large men in tiny chairs trying to answer the phone as quietly as possible. As I am answering the phone, I trip over one of the men and start to fall on the stairs. So much for a graceful exit. I whisper- yell into the phone as I begin to fall.
I finally get out into the lobby and the mother tells me that she attempted to drop off A., but no one was there. "What do you mean no one was there?" I ask in a panic. The babysitter and C. should have been home by now. I hang up and call the school. He's been picked up. I get the phone number of the babysitter from my office upstairs. The babysitter and C. were apparently lost getting home. I live two blocks from the nursery school. "How did you get lost?" I ask. Well, C. being C. decided it would be funny to trick the babysitter by telling her the wrong way to go home. He then pointed to random houses and told her that it was our house. Then he would laugh. I am livid! I had controlled for all issues except for the issue of C. being C.
I have to leave the meeting, go pick up A. and get home, so I can turn around and go back. Luckily for me J. was home. I said, "What are you doing here?"in an accusatory manner. He looked at me and said,"I got home early, why didn't you call me? You shouldn't have had to come all the way home. I could have picked up the kids." I left.
I arrived back at school and quickly realized that I was being observed by my boss this evening. I had completely forgotten. I wasn't prepared. I was sweaty and aggravated and was planning to wing it. I "ummed" and "Okay'd" through the whole presentation. Not my best performance. I thought maybe he would not notice. I got my review today. Apparently he did.
Friday, October 03, 2008
The Price of Nice
I am trying very hard to be nice. It doesn't always come naturally. It is an effort. I am easily annoyed by people and have a hard time focusing when someone is blathering on about something. My New Year's resolution was to be kinder. So this is what I get:
1. No parking tickets. I made friends with the meter maid. It only costs me a some conversation. I have a hard time focusing on what she is saying because the gold flecks from her teeth end up all over her lips. She's very shiny.
2. Lunches with boring people. There are two that always stop by to see if I want to go to lunch. I usually say yes. It's hard to say no and then sneak out to lunch five minutes after they leave.
3. The office troll talking to me while I am trying to use the bathroom. She stood in the bathroom waiting for me, talking to me the whole time about how there should be hooks in the bathroom and maybe a shelf. As I rounded the corner I did get to peak her marshmellowy troll belly as she tried to tame her troll hair. I now have to sneak to lunch and the bathroom.
4. Clean waste basket. I am really nice to the cleaning lady so she doesn't steal from me and makes sure I always have a clean trash can. Important stuff.
5. No time for work. I am too busy having conversations with the troll, the meter maid, the cleaning lady and the administrative assistants to be able to get any work done.
So the moral of story is that with being nice comes some hardships but also a clean trash can and unlimited parking.
1. No parking tickets. I made friends with the meter maid. It only costs me a some conversation. I have a hard time focusing on what she is saying because the gold flecks from her teeth end up all over her lips. She's very shiny.
2. Lunches with boring people. There are two that always stop by to see if I want to go to lunch. I usually say yes. It's hard to say no and then sneak out to lunch five minutes after they leave.
3. The office troll talking to me while I am trying to use the bathroom. She stood in the bathroom waiting for me, talking to me the whole time about how there should be hooks in the bathroom and maybe a shelf. As I rounded the corner I did get to peak her marshmellowy troll belly as she tried to tame her troll hair. I now have to sneak to lunch and the bathroom.
4. Clean waste basket. I am really nice to the cleaning lady so she doesn't steal from me and makes sure I always have a clean trash can. Important stuff.
5. No time for work. I am too busy having conversations with the troll, the meter maid, the cleaning lady and the administrative assistants to be able to get any work done.
So the moral of story is that with being nice comes some hardships but also a clean trash can and unlimited parking.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Things I have learned this week...
1. If you leave dog barf long enough the dog will eat it.
2. I will not pick up dog crap even if it is in my path. I will walk around it and wait for J. to pick it up.
3. Using the word "freakshow" at work is not a great idea.
4. Black women like my hair.
5. Facebook is addictive.
6. I don't know Facebook etiquette. Can refuse to be someone's friend?
7. Work gets in the way of going out to lunch.
8. I don't like to work more than 4 hours a day.
9. A. is a dork.
10. I can make A. cry by not letting her be a Transformer for Halloween. ( She'll thank me one day)
11. Charisse made my life a whole lot easier.
12. You can use the same racket that you killed a bat with to play tennis.
13. Immigrants coming to the parking lot at school are really bad drivers.
14. You can sustain yourself on Heath bars alone.
15. Standing in front of a class and saying the words: masturbation, erection, orgasm, transvestite fetishism, arousal and vagina is something that makes me stammer and turn red.
2. I will not pick up dog crap even if it is in my path. I will walk around it and wait for J. to pick it up.
3. Using the word "freakshow" at work is not a great idea.
4. Black women like my hair.
5. Facebook is addictive.
6. I don't know Facebook etiquette. Can refuse to be someone's friend?
7. Work gets in the way of going out to lunch.
8. I don't like to work more than 4 hours a day.
9. A. is a dork.
10. I can make A. cry by not letting her be a Transformer for Halloween. ( She'll thank me one day)
11. Charisse made my life a whole lot easier.
12. You can use the same racket that you killed a bat with to play tennis.
13. Immigrants coming to the parking lot at school are really bad drivers.
14. You can sustain yourself on Heath bars alone.
15. Standing in front of a class and saying the words: masturbation, erection, orgasm, transvestite fetishism, arousal and vagina is something that makes me stammer and turn red.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Miscommunication
We all know the importance of communication. This week, I had a difficult time expressing myself properly. It begins with a simple email from the office secretary, letting me know that she needs a picture of me for the school website. NOOOOOO!!!!! Should I submit my picture from Disney World where I am fat, sweaty and have donkey hair? ( which by the way somehow were on my facebook page. ARGH!! NOT ANYMORE!) Anyways, I send my resume, bio and a picture of Doris Day. She laughs and says, nevermind we are ALL taking professional photos so there is some uniformity. NOOOOOOO!!! I never take good pictures. ( Most of you remember the Ricky Schroeder mugshot that I walked around with for four years.) So, jokingly I email her back and ask what happens if I get sick right before the picture and miss it. Most people would know that I was joking. Apparently, she did not. She emailed me back and said that she asked my boss if I had to get my picture taken. She explained to him that I was uncomfortable with getting my picture taken. He said I had to. OH MY EFFIN GOD!!! I can't believe she went to him. He now will think I am a big ole freakshow. She didn't know I was kidding. I was relaying this story to J. I decided that I would just avoid my boss for awhile. He seems Aspbergery and will definitely make a point of saying something to me about it. He'll need to EXPLAIN to me why. J. then suggests I just tell him what happened. Hmmm. The truth. A concept.
So, in the urgency of having this picture being taken I make a hair appointment. I have been growing it out for nine months. I hate it but I know I just need to wait a little longer and all will be fine. It's been six weeks. I need it cleaned up. I go to a new stylist in the same salon and we have a consultation. I explain that what I want. I tell him that I have been growing my hair out for nine long months. He shakes his head as though he understands and begins to cut. CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT. At the end, my hair is as short as it was in January. Nine months of ugly hair for not. Oh well.
As I leave, feeling a little blue and self conscious, a scary black man with no teeth lets me know how he feels about my new look. Affirmation is just what I needed. Later that weekend, while getting a pedicure, the very lesbian technician lets me know how she feels about my new look. (By the way, it is very hard to enjoy a pedicure when the person doing it is gazing at you and rubbing your feet).
The good part is that my picture will be on the website for all to see. I can't wait.
So, in the urgency of having this picture being taken I make a hair appointment. I have been growing it out for nine months. I hate it but I know I just need to wait a little longer and all will be fine. It's been six weeks. I need it cleaned up. I go to a new stylist in the same salon and we have a consultation. I explain that what I want. I tell him that I have been growing my hair out for nine long months. He shakes his head as though he understands and begins to cut. CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT. At the end, my hair is as short as it was in January. Nine months of ugly hair for not. Oh well.
As I leave, feeling a little blue and self conscious, a scary black man with no teeth lets me know how he feels about my new look. Affirmation is just what I needed. Later that weekend, while getting a pedicure, the very lesbian technician lets me know how she feels about my new look. (By the way, it is very hard to enjoy a pedicure when the person doing it is gazing at you and rubbing your feet).
The good part is that my picture will be on the website for all to see. I can't wait.
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!
I am not generally known for my self censoring, however in my new position I am really having to step it up. I love my office, however, being between the bathroom and the stairwell I have fallen victim to the office troll, in addition to various folks, just stopping by. As many of you know, when I am in my office I am in Shannonland where you can fart, belch and sing Paul Revere whenever you please. This can be problematic when people are just popping in to say hello!
So, there is the office troll. She looks like a troll, with buggy eyes and crazy frizzy hair. She sneaks up on you. She scared the shit out of me the other day. She came into my office and stood directly behind my chair and then said, "Is this your office?" I spit coffee out of my mouth and all over my keyboard. She was so close to me that she had to step back when I swiveled around. By the way, who asks such a stupid question. "No, this is not my office. I snuck in here too. SHHHH don't tell anyone."
The troll proceeds to go into a ten minute discussion about what I don't remember. At one point she looked at my window and said, "You have windows. What do they look out on?" I wanted to say, "Why don't you shuffle your little troll feet over to the window and look!" But I didn't. Instead, in my head behind my fake smile I was screaming...SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! Eventually my phone rang and the troll slumped out and on to her next victim.
I went to my class in the evening, where I am teaching adults returning to school. I really enjoy most of them. However, there is one...there's always one....who is irrelevant in everything they say. On this day, she was especially on. She also had a partner. The partner was just not bright and could not grasp some very simple concepts and I had to repeat myself and tell her she was wrong without making her feel stupid. (Still a very difficult task for me) As Ms. Irrelevant was comparing a psychological disorder to a Goldie Hawn movie and relating a very long drawn out story about her neighbor's neighbor's sister who she prays for blah blah blah..., I felt like my brain was going to explode. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! Yet, I smiled on.
Various times throughout this day, people popped in, plopped down in my office and blathered on about nothing. I felt the anxiety spreading through my body. My face would feel flush. I was afraid to open my mouth as I knew what would rush out like vomit.....SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!
So, there is the office troll. She looks like a troll, with buggy eyes and crazy frizzy hair. She sneaks up on you. She scared the shit out of me the other day. She came into my office and stood directly behind my chair and then said, "Is this your office?" I spit coffee out of my mouth and all over my keyboard. She was so close to me that she had to step back when I swiveled around. By the way, who asks such a stupid question. "No, this is not my office. I snuck in here too. SHHHH don't tell anyone."
The troll proceeds to go into a ten minute discussion about what I don't remember. At one point she looked at my window and said, "You have windows. What do they look out on?" I wanted to say, "Why don't you shuffle your little troll feet over to the window and look!" But I didn't. Instead, in my head behind my fake smile I was screaming...SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! Eventually my phone rang and the troll slumped out and on to her next victim.
I went to my class in the evening, where I am teaching adults returning to school. I really enjoy most of them. However, there is one...there's always one....who is irrelevant in everything they say. On this day, she was especially on. She also had a partner. The partner was just not bright and could not grasp some very simple concepts and I had to repeat myself and tell her she was wrong without making her feel stupid. (Still a very difficult task for me) As Ms. Irrelevant was comparing a psychological disorder to a Goldie Hawn movie and relating a very long drawn out story about her neighbor's neighbor's sister who she prays for blah blah blah..., I felt like my brain was going to explode. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! Yet, I smiled on.
Various times throughout this day, people popped in, plopped down in my office and blathered on about nothing. I felt the anxiety spreading through my body. My face would feel flush. I was afraid to open my mouth as I knew what would rush out like vomit.....SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Death by Wonking
I guess you know that you have "made it" professionally when you have to go to meetings. You are important enough to be included in the decision making process. They care what you think and they want to keep YOU informed. I want to be a failure. I am having my first "back to school" week where my presence is mandatory. I don't add anything to the conversation. I don't even know what they are talking about most of the time. Just let me know when I screwed something up and I'll go to a class. (As in the whole computer debacle that led to the mandatory computer class with the 80 year old man.)
So, I sat through 6 hours of a "retreat" yesterday. I managed to stay awake with the assistance of five cups of coffee. I don't feel as though I am any more informed now than I was before the meeting but I can mark it off my list. As a "new" faculty member I was introduced to faculty members who already know me. Luckily the Dean is hosting a party in honor of the "new faculty" in a couple of weeks. I am so excited to attend another meeting. It's on a Sunday. What I liked most about this "retreat" was that I was assigned to attend more meetings. YEPIEE! At then end of the day, the Dean was planning to end early, when one of the old professors, who teaches the evils of the microwave and blow dryer, decided that he needed to put his two cents in. The announcement had already been made that we were cutting the afternoon short. I was ready to go. I felt this wave of rage fill my body. My leg was bouncing, my fingers were tapping. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU OLD IRRELEVANT FOOL NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK SHUT UP SHUT UP I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT was all I could think. I had to restrain myself, this was not acceptable behavior in this group.
Luckily for me I had another two hour meeting to attend in the evening. I arrived, introduced myself and sat down to listen to a bunch of crap that had nothing to do with me. It went on and on. Don't these people have lives? Don't they hate being here as much as I do? The free food is not that great! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
As in all meetings I attend, there is one person who feels the need to hear themselves talk. They are enlightening their colleagues. At this particular meeting, it was a staff member that had A LOT of questions. She was sitting in front of me and would stand to ask each of her ridiculous questions. She wanted everyone to be able to hear. I couldn't hear her due to the fact that I was distracted by her ugly white nurse pants. It wasn't so much the pants as it was that she unwisely chose pink flowered granny panties to wear under her white pants. Those flowers were inches from my face. How am I expected to listen to you when all I can think of is that I can see your underwear?
After two hours, they were still going. I did not. I looked at my watch picked up my stuff and left. I had to get out. I couldn't breathe. I suppose I will have to apologize and make up some story of why I left. I want to tell them that they took two hours of my life, they should be apologizing to me, but somehow I know that is inappropriate.
Luckily for me I have four more meetings this week. I wish I were invisible again.
So, I sat through 6 hours of a "retreat" yesterday. I managed to stay awake with the assistance of five cups of coffee. I don't feel as though I am any more informed now than I was before the meeting but I can mark it off my list. As a "new" faculty member I was introduced to faculty members who already know me. Luckily the Dean is hosting a party in honor of the "new faculty" in a couple of weeks. I am so excited to attend another meeting. It's on a Sunday. What I liked most about this "retreat" was that I was assigned to attend more meetings. YEPIEE! At then end of the day, the Dean was planning to end early, when one of the old professors, who teaches the evils of the microwave and blow dryer, decided that he needed to put his two cents in. The announcement had already been made that we were cutting the afternoon short. I was ready to go. I felt this wave of rage fill my body. My leg was bouncing, my fingers were tapping. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU OLD IRRELEVANT FOOL NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK SHUT UP SHUT UP I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT was all I could think. I had to restrain myself, this was not acceptable behavior in this group.
Luckily for me I had another two hour meeting to attend in the evening. I arrived, introduced myself and sat down to listen to a bunch of crap that had nothing to do with me. It went on and on. Don't these people have lives? Don't they hate being here as much as I do? The free food is not that great! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
As in all meetings I attend, there is one person who feels the need to hear themselves talk. They are enlightening their colleagues. At this particular meeting, it was a staff member that had A LOT of questions. She was sitting in front of me and would stand to ask each of her ridiculous questions. She wanted everyone to be able to hear. I couldn't hear her due to the fact that I was distracted by her ugly white nurse pants. It wasn't so much the pants as it was that she unwisely chose pink flowered granny panties to wear under her white pants. Those flowers were inches from my face. How am I expected to listen to you when all I can think of is that I can see your underwear?
After two hours, they were still going. I did not. I looked at my watch picked up my stuff and left. I had to get out. I couldn't breathe. I suppose I will have to apologize and make up some story of why I left. I want to tell them that they took two hours of my life, they should be apologizing to me, but somehow I know that is inappropriate.
Luckily for me I have four more meetings this week. I wish I were invisible again.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Is that a banjo I hear?
This weekend the family took a trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. I have never been there before and I must say that it was a cultural experience indeed. As most of our trips go, there had to be issues. A., who is never sick, came down with a nasty virus two days before we were supposed to go. I took her to the MD and they assured me it would pass and we should go on our trip. We waited and waited and took her temperature every 15 minutes until it was time to leave. No change. We went anyway. Today, her fever broke...of course.
So, we make the three hour journey to the lake. According to our directions we were supposed to turn on one street. That street was closed, so we turned on the next. As we drove down this gravel road, we saw that we were surrounded by the cast from Deliverance. I swear I could hear banjos playing. Uriah, Bocifus and Zeke were standing in their front "yard" as we drove by. I got a close enough look to see that there were three teeth among them. What was interesting was that they had a fire going. No grill, no pit, just a fire in the middle of the "yard". I wondered if it was flesh I was smelling or the sweet smell of meth. J., who is not one to panic, put the car in reverse and sped back. He didn't look behind him. I don't think he cared if he hit anyone.
Once we arrived at the right place we were pleasantly surprised. The next day our friends, who were joining us on this Hillbilly Getaway, accompanied me to the Wal Mart Super Center to seek out food and beverage. I hate Wal Mart. Not necessarily for all political reasons, simple because it is dirty and crowded and reminds me that no matter what I say, I am an elitist. While there, I was a witness to MANY plain ole Southern style whoopins. No one batted an eye. I don't know what these children were doing wrong but I imagine it had something to do with selecting Budweiser instead of Busch. You don't need to put on airs just cuz you at the lake.
Unfortunately for A., she was sick and didn't get to do much. We put off taking out a boat until Saturday, hoping she would be better. She was a little better so we decided to push our luck and rent a pontoon boat (which is like a bus) for two hours. There were no pontoons available so we had to go with a speedboat. Okay, fine. I get seasick but J. knows this so he will take it easy. We get on the boat and motor smoothly out of the marina. J. then asks C. if he wants to help drive. WHO DOES THAT????? So, C. takes his position at the helm. He can't see over the dash of the boat but he can find the throttle. All of sudden, we are flying. I mean literally FLYING. He is bouncing us across the lake, laughing maniacally with every shriek I make. I had been drinking a soda out of a can. I was now wearing the soda out of the can. At one point I truly believe that I tasted my own kidneys. I was convinced that my innards were about to be my outards. All the bouncing sloshed around the soda and I began to vomit. Luckily I closed my mouth. Unluckily, the vomit entered my nasal cavity and if I had not grabbed my nose in time I would have actually vomited out of my nose. Vomit burns.
We eventually end this Apocalypse Now lake adventure and return home. Luckily for me, A. was wiped and didn't want to go fishing. The thought of handling BOTH fish and worms was too much for this city girl. In the Ozarks, the soda vending machines also provide worms, in the same machine. BLECH!!
Saturday night as we were winding the kids down, I hear one of our friend's children say, "THERE's A BUG IN THE BED! I AM NOT SLEEPING HERE." His father went to investigate. He did not find a bug, rather he found a condom stuck between the mattresses. "What's that?" the children ask. He is a quick one. He told them it was a candy wrapper. He then asked them,"Which one of you is eating candy in this room?" My only concern to with that is when they go the candy store and ask for a Magnum Bar.
We get back to civilization and A starts to feel better. J. is now sick.
So, we make the three hour journey to the lake. According to our directions we were supposed to turn on one street. That street was closed, so we turned on the next. As we drove down this gravel road, we saw that we were surrounded by the cast from Deliverance. I swear I could hear banjos playing. Uriah, Bocifus and Zeke were standing in their front "yard" as we drove by. I got a close enough look to see that there were three teeth among them. What was interesting was that they had a fire going. No grill, no pit, just a fire in the middle of the "yard". I wondered if it was flesh I was smelling or the sweet smell of meth. J., who is not one to panic, put the car in reverse and sped back. He didn't look behind him. I don't think he cared if he hit anyone.
Once we arrived at the right place we were pleasantly surprised. The next day our friends, who were joining us on this Hillbilly Getaway, accompanied me to the Wal Mart Super Center to seek out food and beverage. I hate Wal Mart. Not necessarily for all political reasons, simple because it is dirty and crowded and reminds me that no matter what I say, I am an elitist. While there, I was a witness to MANY plain ole Southern style whoopins. No one batted an eye. I don't know what these children were doing wrong but I imagine it had something to do with selecting Budweiser instead of Busch. You don't need to put on airs just cuz you at the lake.
Unfortunately for A., she was sick and didn't get to do much. We put off taking out a boat until Saturday, hoping she would be better. She was a little better so we decided to push our luck and rent a pontoon boat (which is like a bus) for two hours. There were no pontoons available so we had to go with a speedboat. Okay, fine. I get seasick but J. knows this so he will take it easy. We get on the boat and motor smoothly out of the marina. J. then asks C. if he wants to help drive. WHO DOES THAT????? So, C. takes his position at the helm. He can't see over the dash of the boat but he can find the throttle. All of sudden, we are flying. I mean literally FLYING. He is bouncing us across the lake, laughing maniacally with every shriek I make. I had been drinking a soda out of a can. I was now wearing the soda out of the can. At one point I truly believe that I tasted my own kidneys. I was convinced that my innards were about to be my outards. All the bouncing sloshed around the soda and I began to vomit. Luckily I closed my mouth. Unluckily, the vomit entered my nasal cavity and if I had not grabbed my nose in time I would have actually vomited out of my nose. Vomit burns.
We eventually end this Apocalypse Now lake adventure and return home. Luckily for me, A. was wiped and didn't want to go fishing. The thought of handling BOTH fish and worms was too much for this city girl. In the Ozarks, the soda vending machines also provide worms, in the same machine. BLECH!!
Saturday night as we were winding the kids down, I hear one of our friend's children say, "THERE's A BUG IN THE BED! I AM NOT SLEEPING HERE." His father went to investigate. He did not find a bug, rather he found a condom stuck between the mattresses. "What's that?" the children ask. He is a quick one. He told them it was a candy wrapper. He then asked them,"Which one of you is eating candy in this room?" My only concern to with that is when they go the candy store and ask for a Magnum Bar.
We get back to civilization and A starts to feel better. J. is now sick.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Reading
C. is learning to read. He can read Bud Light. So there to all of you who think he is not gifted.
Ungratitude Journal
I have been off for a few months working and realizing that my life is not that interesting for much blogging. However, as I was driving around yesterday I started to compile a list of things that I am not grateful for.
1. The word vehicle. It doesn't rank with moist ball sack but it really gets on my nerves. People say vehicle much more than they say moist ball sack, so it is much more prevalent.
2. Grocery shopping. Some people really love to grocery shop. I HATE it. It's always crowded and there is inevitably some old lady who has parked her cart in front of the coffee filters and is reading ALL the labels on the coffee creamer looking for the kind that her friend Myrtle served at last week's bridge game. You may wait a second or two. Then you start to give her the stink eye, but she doesn't see it. You ask her if you could just grab what is right next to her head and then she proceeds to give YOU the stink eye before she moves her cart. Not that that has recently happened.
3. People who don't eat cake at a birthday party. I MEAN COME ON!!! How often do you get to eat cake that you turn it down? If I had cake everyday, I might think, you know I will have cake tomorrow, so I think I will pass today. BUT NOBODY HAS CAKE EVERYDAY! Inevitably it is the skinny bitch who turns down cake so that when you eat your cake you are suddenly VERY conscious that you are the only mother at the kid's party who is eating cake. mmmm....cake.
4. Vegetarians. I really think that they just do it to make the rest of us flesh eaters feel inferior and barbaric. Most of these people wear leather or have leather seats in their SUVs but are going to look down their noses at me because I love McDonald's.
5. Running errands. I know a lot of people love to feel like they got things accomplished. They like to have everything done. I will put off errands until they have to be done. Instead of stopping to get gas this morning I decided that I could make it til to tomorrow because I hate getting gas. I don't know if I think that somehow tomorrow I will have a change of heart and realize how much I LOVE getting gas and thank myself for this special gift.
6. Neighbors. I like having someone who will call the police or the fire department if you are in danger but I really want to be left alone in my backyard with my beer and cigarettes. I want you to stay in your house when I run out to the car.I don't care about what is happening in your life. If you didn't live five feet from me I wouldn't care about you, so why does proximity suddenly make me give a shit?
7. Laundry. It is not so much the washing of the clothes as it is the putting away of the clothes. I wish that I had a laundress.
8. Bad vacation pictures. Everyone wants to see your pictures and when you resemble Miss Piggy with boob, pit and crotch sweat,and hair that looks like a camel sucked on your head,you may not be anxious to pass those around. You might tear them up and throw them away. You may then pretend not to hear when your husband asks where the picture is. He may then call you selfish and vain. You may agree.
9. "Flying squirrel arms." Some labels just stick with you. You may try to work out but you hate working out. You may just wear long sleeves in the heat of the summer.
10. Public restrooms. I have issues with the germs and the random poop swipes and pubic hair.
11. The groups Boston, Bad Co., Blind Melon, Goo Goo and Foo dolls or fighters and all post Nirvana grunge bands. It seems these groups are always on the radio. Who likes this crap?
12. Throwing out a just lit cigarette because someone you know is driving next to you and they are out of their "place" and then you realize it wasn't them. This is also reminds you that you are supposed to quit smoking for the 100th time this year.
So that's a start. I assume that the list will grow as my day continues.
1. The word vehicle. It doesn't rank with moist ball sack but it really gets on my nerves. People say vehicle much more than they say moist ball sack, so it is much more prevalent.
2. Grocery shopping. Some people really love to grocery shop. I HATE it. It's always crowded and there is inevitably some old lady who has parked her cart in front of the coffee filters and is reading ALL the labels on the coffee creamer looking for the kind that her friend Myrtle served at last week's bridge game. You may wait a second or two. Then you start to give her the stink eye, but she doesn't see it. You ask her if you could just grab what is right next to her head and then she proceeds to give YOU the stink eye before she moves her cart. Not that that has recently happened.
3. People who don't eat cake at a birthday party. I MEAN COME ON!!! How often do you get to eat cake that you turn it down? If I had cake everyday, I might think, you know I will have cake tomorrow, so I think I will pass today. BUT NOBODY HAS CAKE EVERYDAY! Inevitably it is the skinny bitch who turns down cake so that when you eat your cake you are suddenly VERY conscious that you are the only mother at the kid's party who is eating cake. mmmm....cake.
4. Vegetarians. I really think that they just do it to make the rest of us flesh eaters feel inferior and barbaric. Most of these people wear leather or have leather seats in their SUVs but are going to look down their noses at me because I love McDonald's.
5. Running errands. I know a lot of people love to feel like they got things accomplished. They like to have everything done. I will put off errands until they have to be done. Instead of stopping to get gas this morning I decided that I could make it til to tomorrow because I hate getting gas. I don't know if I think that somehow tomorrow I will have a change of heart and realize how much I LOVE getting gas and thank myself for this special gift.
6. Neighbors. I like having someone who will call the police or the fire department if you are in danger but I really want to be left alone in my backyard with my beer and cigarettes. I want you to stay in your house when I run out to the car.I don't care about what is happening in your life. If you didn't live five feet from me I wouldn't care about you, so why does proximity suddenly make me give a shit?
7. Laundry. It is not so much the washing of the clothes as it is the putting away of the clothes. I wish that I had a laundress.
8. Bad vacation pictures. Everyone wants to see your pictures and when you resemble Miss Piggy with boob, pit and crotch sweat,and hair that looks like a camel sucked on your head,you may not be anxious to pass those around. You might tear them up and throw them away. You may then pretend not to hear when your husband asks where the picture is. He may then call you selfish and vain. You may agree.
9. "Flying squirrel arms." Some labels just stick with you. You may try to work out but you hate working out. You may just wear long sleeves in the heat of the summer.
10. Public restrooms. I have issues with the germs and the random poop swipes and pubic hair.
11. The groups Boston, Bad Co., Blind Melon, Goo Goo and Foo dolls or fighters and all post Nirvana grunge bands. It seems these groups are always on the radio. Who likes this crap?
12. Throwing out a just lit cigarette because someone you know is driving next to you and they are out of their "place" and then you realize it wasn't them. This is also reminds you that you are supposed to quit smoking for the 100th time this year.
So that's a start. I assume that the list will grow as my day continues.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
What a fool
The kids have been at the Nazi swim camp for the past two weeks. Unlike C.'s school, I have not been getting a report on his various misbehaviors on a daily basis. Therefore, I believe that everything is going well. WHAT A FOOL!!!
I told C. yesterday as I dropped him off that if he had a good day we would have a fun activity in the afternoon. I believed that this would seal the deal. WHAT A FOOL!!! I go about my day and return to retrieve the kids. C. hops in the car and lets me know that he had a great day! A. (the squealer) then asks him so that I can hear,"Then why did you have to sit out?" He says nothing. So I ask,"C., why did you have to sit out?" He thinks quickly on his feet. "I was tired." I think to myself, this is possible. WHAT A FOOL!!!!
I think that maybe he is not telling the truth. "If I call the camp what are they going to say?" C. thinks for a moment and says," I don't know. Let me talk to my dad." He is trying to buy some time. "No, if I call the camp, what are they going to tell me?" He looks away and picks up his drink," I can't talk now I am drinking."
So, I call the camp. Apparently, my little angel was throwing rocks in the pool. He also has been getting out of the pool early in order to make mischief. The owner was very kind and said that he is an independent spirit. I know those are kind words for Pain in the ASS. I am so angry. For the love of GOD!! I am sending him to swim camp. He is in a pool with kids his age, PLAYING!!! It's not like he is at a Nazi work camp digging ditches. Now that I think of it, that may not be a bad idea. I now have to add to list of things NOT to do, throwing rocks. Our morning ritual is also a list of BAD IDEAS. For an example: No biting, no hitting, no punching, no spitting, no throwing water, no whining, no escaping, no showing your private parts, no knocking over or destroying others work, no potty talk, no peeing outside and NOW NO ROCK THROWING or LEAVING THE LESSON EARLY!! It is going to take the whole 30 minute drive to remind him of the rules before we are done!
I turn to C. and ask him what the camp said to me. He looks at me and says," I dunno. I wasn't on the phone." HOLY LORD ABOVE KEEP ME FROM TURNING AROUND AND PUNCHING HIM IN THE THROAT!!!
A. is sitting very smugly in her chair. She doesn't realize that her act of tattling has now ruined the plans for BOTH of them. What a FOOL!!
I told C. yesterday as I dropped him off that if he had a good day we would have a fun activity in the afternoon. I believed that this would seal the deal. WHAT A FOOL!!! I go about my day and return to retrieve the kids. C. hops in the car and lets me know that he had a great day! A. (the squealer) then asks him so that I can hear,"Then why did you have to sit out?" He says nothing. So I ask,"C., why did you have to sit out?" He thinks quickly on his feet. "I was tired." I think to myself, this is possible. WHAT A FOOL!!!!
I think that maybe he is not telling the truth. "If I call the camp what are they going to say?" C. thinks for a moment and says," I don't know. Let me talk to my dad." He is trying to buy some time. "No, if I call the camp, what are they going to tell me?" He looks away and picks up his drink," I can't talk now I am drinking."
So, I call the camp. Apparently, my little angel was throwing rocks in the pool. He also has been getting out of the pool early in order to make mischief. The owner was very kind and said that he is an independent spirit. I know those are kind words for Pain in the ASS. I am so angry. For the love of GOD!! I am sending him to swim camp. He is in a pool with kids his age, PLAYING!!! It's not like he is at a Nazi work camp digging ditches. Now that I think of it, that may not be a bad idea. I now have to add to list of things NOT to do, throwing rocks. Our morning ritual is also a list of BAD IDEAS. For an example: No biting, no hitting, no punching, no spitting, no throwing water, no whining, no escaping, no showing your private parts, no knocking over or destroying others work, no potty talk, no peeing outside and NOW NO ROCK THROWING or LEAVING THE LESSON EARLY!! It is going to take the whole 30 minute drive to remind him of the rules before we are done!
I turn to C. and ask him what the camp said to me. He looks at me and says," I dunno. I wasn't on the phone." HOLY LORD ABOVE KEEP ME FROM TURNING AROUND AND PUNCHING HIM IN THE THROAT!!!
A. is sitting very smugly in her chair. She doesn't realize that her act of tattling has now ruined the plans for BOTH of them. What a FOOL!!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Massage
J. got me a massage for Mother's Day. I was a little disappointed that it was not at a spa but at a strip mall. Oh, well. I guess the it's the thought that counts.
I am usually not to keen on people touching me, especially when I am naked, but who can turn down a chance to have someone rub my nasty feet. I have a ritual that I participate in before going to get naked with a stranger. I take a hot shower, I shave, put on my "going to the GYN" underwear and poop.
Well, the night before my arranged massage I drank, a lot. When I awoke the next morning and had been up for awhile, I decided that it was time to get prepped. Unfortunately for me, there was a water main break and our water had been turned off. HOLY CRAP!! So I wait and I wait and I wait. No water. It is coming time to go. So, I do the best I can to get the drunk, alcohol, smoke funk off of me. I still haven't pooped. I am suddenly thankful that I am going to a strip mall.
I arrive at the strip mall to find my masseuse is a young girl. She leads me back to the room. I ask to be excused for a moment to use the bathroom. She leads me down a maze like hallway. As I pass various rooms I see her colleagues. I am thankful for my choice. The men that were employed at this particular facility looked as though they may have earned their massage therapy license in the prison vocational program. They were the type of people I want changing my oil not putting oil on my naked body.
I am a classy woman. I get into the bathroom and do the homeless man shower. I guess I was taking a long time. The girl knocked on the door to find out if I was okay. What am I going to say? " Leave me alone I am taking a shit and a shower in your public bathroom, gimme a sec."
After all was said and done, I think that I think too much of myself if I think that a strip mall massage is beneath me.
I am usually not to keen on people touching me, especially when I am naked, but who can turn down a chance to have someone rub my nasty feet. I have a ritual that I participate in before going to get naked with a stranger. I take a hot shower, I shave, put on my "going to the GYN" underwear and poop.
Well, the night before my arranged massage I drank, a lot. When I awoke the next morning and had been up for awhile, I decided that it was time to get prepped. Unfortunately for me, there was a water main break and our water had been turned off. HOLY CRAP!! So I wait and I wait and I wait. No water. It is coming time to go. So, I do the best I can to get the drunk, alcohol, smoke funk off of me. I still haven't pooped. I am suddenly thankful that I am going to a strip mall.
I arrive at the strip mall to find my masseuse is a young girl. She leads me back to the room. I ask to be excused for a moment to use the bathroom. She leads me down a maze like hallway. As I pass various rooms I see her colleagues. I am thankful for my choice. The men that were employed at this particular facility looked as though they may have earned their massage therapy license in the prison vocational program. They were the type of people I want changing my oil not putting oil on my naked body.
I am a classy woman. I get into the bathroom and do the homeless man shower. I guess I was taking a long time. The girl knocked on the door to find out if I was okay. What am I going to say? " Leave me alone I am taking a shit and a shower in your public bathroom, gimme a sec."
After all was said and done, I think that I think too much of myself if I think that a strip mall massage is beneath me.
I love underwear
As most of you know, I am a firm believer in underwear. It makes you comfortable and covers your most private parts. Today I am especially thankful for underwear.
For the past week and a half I have been making an hour trip from home to swim camp to work. Most days I make sure to potty before I begin my trek. This morning we were running late. About half way through my trip I realized that I had to pee. Really badly. I also needed gas. I hate using gas station bathrooms but sometimes you have to. So, I was able to make it to my favorite gas station. Yes, I have a favorite gas station. All the ladies know me there. They are my peeps.
So I go into the relatively clean bathroom and upon finishing up I glance in the mirror and see that I got a Flock of Seagulls going on. I focus on fixing my hair. I walk out of the bathroom. I walk around, gathering my water and granola bar, waving and smiling at the girls. I am little self conscious of my hair and when the giggling begins, I assume my hair is a mess.
Then thankfully, one of the girls behind the counter says,"Girl, your drawers are showing!" Oh my Jesus!! I have my skirt tucked into my underwear!!! MORTIFICATION!! I pull my skirt out and start laughing. What else am I supposed to do? I am grateful that I wasn't wearing my creeper underwear, because at least my ass was covered.
I gotta find another gas station. Do you think I made the surveillance tape? That's kind of like being on TV.
For the past week and a half I have been making an hour trip from home to swim camp to work. Most days I make sure to potty before I begin my trek. This morning we were running late. About half way through my trip I realized that I had to pee. Really badly. I also needed gas. I hate using gas station bathrooms but sometimes you have to. So, I was able to make it to my favorite gas station. Yes, I have a favorite gas station. All the ladies know me there. They are my peeps.
So I go into the relatively clean bathroom and upon finishing up I glance in the mirror and see that I got a Flock of Seagulls going on. I focus on fixing my hair. I walk out of the bathroom. I walk around, gathering my water and granola bar, waving and smiling at the girls. I am little self conscious of my hair and when the giggling begins, I assume my hair is a mess.
Then thankfully, one of the girls behind the counter says,"Girl, your drawers are showing!" Oh my Jesus!! I have my skirt tucked into my underwear!!! MORTIFICATION!! I pull my skirt out and start laughing. What else am I supposed to do? I am grateful that I wasn't wearing my creeper underwear, because at least my ass was covered.
I gotta find another gas station. Do you think I made the surveillance tape? That's kind of like being on TV.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Don't hate on me
I still got it. That's what I got to say. I usually only "have it" with old black men at gas stations but today I "got it" with young ex-cons. C. and I were driving in the Mom-mobile, minding our own business, when this truck pulls up next to me. I glance over and see this young man with what look like prison tattoos all over his arms and face. I quickly re-focus on the road ahead. He pulls up next to me. I glance over again, he gives me the "Wassup" head nod. I notice a tear drop tattoo on his cheek. If I remember my prison tattoo guide that either means, he's killed someone or he is someone's bitch. I don't believe it means he's just a sad kind of fellow.
I become very uncomfortable with this scenario, so I let him pull ahead of me. C. is in the back blabbering about Hot Wheels. We pull up to a light and the young man is in front of me. I notice that he is staring at me in his side view mirror, making what seem to be kissing faces. Oh my!! I am not used to this type of male attention. I feel flustered. We go on down the road and pull up to another red light. I try not to look over. He is revving his engine trying to get my attention. I look out of the corner of my eye to see him staring at me. Should I give him my number? He's so dreamy!! Instead I give him the "stink eye" and the finger. I am not a MILF so this will likely be the closest I come to being picked up for awhile. I mean until I go to the gas station again.
I become very uncomfortable with this scenario, so I let him pull ahead of me. C. is in the back blabbering about Hot Wheels. We pull up to a light and the young man is in front of me. I notice that he is staring at me in his side view mirror, making what seem to be kissing faces. Oh my!! I am not used to this type of male attention. I feel flustered. We go on down the road and pull up to another red light. I try not to look over. He is revving his engine trying to get my attention. I look out of the corner of my eye to see him staring at me. Should I give him my number? He's so dreamy!! Instead I give him the "stink eye" and the finger. I am not a MILF so this will likely be the closest I come to being picked up for awhile. I mean until I go to the gas station again.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Fat Bastard
Sooooo, I am driving carpool this morning and listening to the radio. Before I can change the station, the DJ starts talking about Austin Powers and Fat Bastard. He says, Fat Bastard....wait for it wait for it...."Mom, what's a bastard and why do they call him fat?" Of course I am calm and explain," IT IS A DIRTY WORD!! IT IS VERY BAD AND WE NEVER SAY IT OR ASK ANYONE AT SCHOOL OR TELL OUR MOM WHERE WE HEARD IT!!!!" I have to really get better at thinking on my feet.
Unfortunately, this is the only thing I have had to blog about since last month. I went on an awesome overnight but everyone who reads my blog was there, so there is no point. They were there and witnessed me in all my drunken glory. Luckily for them I don't remember much of what they did that was blogworthy. I do have to send a big ole thank you to those girls who didn't let me sleep on the bathroom floor. Talk about friends.
We went to see Kids in the Hall last night and I laughed so hard I got the hiccups. At the end of the show, they panned the audience and settled on the one guy I went to college with. He was kind of a jerk so it made me LAUGH when I realized that he looked an awful lot like Fat Bastard!
Unfortunately, this is the only thing I have had to blog about since last month. I went on an awesome overnight but everyone who reads my blog was there, so there is no point. They were there and witnessed me in all my drunken glory. Luckily for them I don't remember much of what they did that was blogworthy. I do have to send a big ole thank you to those girls who didn't let me sleep on the bathroom floor. Talk about friends.
We went to see Kids in the Hall last night and I laughed so hard I got the hiccups. At the end of the show, they panned the audience and settled on the one guy I went to college with. He was kind of a jerk so it made me LAUGH when I realized that he looked an awful lot like Fat Bastard!
Monday, April 14, 2008
That's what friends are for
C. is having issues with wiping his butt after he poops. He is afraid of clogging the toilet so he usually requests help with this endeavor. I refuse to wipe his butt. He's almost five. At some point there are things that no one else can do for you. You gotta figure it out on your own.
This morning we went through our pooping ritual. "MOM!!! I NEED HELP WIPING MY BUM!!"
"You can do it C."
"I CAN"T SEE MY BUM."
"You don't need to see you bum, just take the toilet paper and wipe til there is no more poop."
He thinks about it. He toddles out into the main room with his pants around his ankles, bends over and spreads his butt cheeks.
"IS THERE ANYMORE POOP?"
At this point I freak. "GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM!!!!"
He toddles back into the bathroom.
"Sebastian checked my bum for me on Saturday why won't you?" he questions.
"HE WHAT?????" I shriek.
"I pooped on Saturday and he checked my bum for poop."
That's a good friend...
This morning we went through our pooping ritual. "MOM!!! I NEED HELP WIPING MY BUM!!"
"You can do it C."
"I CAN"T SEE MY BUM."
"You don't need to see you bum, just take the toilet paper and wipe til there is no more poop."
He thinks about it. He toddles out into the main room with his pants around his ankles, bends over and spreads his butt cheeks.
"IS THERE ANYMORE POOP?"
At this point I freak. "GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM!!!!"
He toddles back into the bathroom.
"Sebastian checked my bum for me on Saturday why won't you?" he questions.
"HE WHAT?????" I shriek.
"I pooped on Saturday and he checked my bum for poop."
That's a good friend...
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Rotten Egg
A. had a really bad day at school yesterday. She is having problems with those girls again. She was in tears as she described how Ellie told her that she smelt like a rotten egg and Ellie's little toadie chanted it to her.
THAT IS IT!! IT IS ON!! I finally took A. under my wing and taught her my secret....the stink eye. What else could I do, teach her how to punch the little bitches in the throat? That will come soon enough. Then they is in a WHOLE HEEP A TROUBLE!!!
THAT IS IT!! IT IS ON!! I finally took A. under my wing and taught her my secret....the stink eye. What else could I do, teach her how to punch the little bitches in the throat? That will come soon enough. Then they is in a WHOLE HEEP A TROUBLE!!!
The Great Escape
So, I go to pick up C. from school yesterday. He's COVERED in mud. I foolishly ask the question, "How was his day?"
"Well, luckily for us C. found a giant hole under the fence. It is really good that he found it because I didn't know it was there. I have called maintenance to fix it. So don't be too mad at him." the Director states.
"Well, what happened?" I ask tentatively, not sure I want to know the answer.
"Well, I am not sure, but the teacher looked up and saw that he was on the other side of the fence."
"He didn't take anyone with him did he?"
"No, not yet."
He is sitting in the back seat with his head down.
" I think it shows that he is smart and creative." the director pleads.
I think it shows that he is preparing for his first prison break.
"Well, luckily for us C. found a giant hole under the fence. It is really good that he found it because I didn't know it was there. I have called maintenance to fix it. So don't be too mad at him." the Director states.
"Well, what happened?" I ask tentatively, not sure I want to know the answer.
"Well, I am not sure, but the teacher looked up and saw that he was on the other side of the fence."
"He didn't take anyone with him did he?"
"No, not yet."
He is sitting in the back seat with his head down.
" I think it shows that he is smart and creative." the director pleads.
I think it shows that he is preparing for his first prison break.
Monday, April 07, 2008
No Trespassing
I really do not like my neighbor. She is epitome of what I hate in "nice" people. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to talk to you over the fence. I don't want to trade babysitter names. I want you to live in your house and I will call the police if someone tries to break in or the place catches on fire. I would appreciate it if you did the same. The foreigners on the one side get it, the southern belle....not so much.
Well, since we have had a long and cold winter I have been able to avoid the neighborhood Chatty McMcChatterson for about nine months. I got spoiled. Now that the weather is better, she sits in wait to pounce on me. In the past two days I have been forced into two lengthy discussions with her. I AM NOT INTERESTED!! I have to start looking out the window to make sure she's not there so that I can sprint to the car. My kids are slow movers so this is no easy task. I unlock the door and get the car running before I even open the front door. I run down the stairs, swoop open the car door for the kids and hope they get in before I take off. I may leave C. one day.
So, Ms Chatty Can't Take a Hint or Recognize Obvious Social Cues McChatterson has pushed me to my limit this weekend. She lured my kids out of my yard to come play with her son. J. was supposed to watching them but was on the computer and had no idea they were missing until I came down like a Shrieking Banshee. I was that mother, standing on the porch SCREAMING at the top of my lungs....GIT IN HERE KIDS!! NOW!!!! Well, she had to come over and apologize for not making them tell someone. I had to smile the "oh, it's okay but it's really not" smile. That whole interchange took about two years.
I come home from work today. I see her. I get the cell phone out and start talking on it...to no one. I wave and keep walking. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. A few minutes later the dog starts barking his head off. I walk to the front door, thinking it is just the construction guys next door and see that half the neighborhood is congregating on my front steps. I got kids climbing in my front yard and through my ivy. I AM HOT!! I stick my head out the door and remind them that they are on my property and they are were not invited. In fact I don't even know half of you people. I think they heard the click of the shotgun. They scatter. No really, I told them to watch their kids in the ivy because there may be poison ivy.
KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA
A. just fell off her bike and fell in the street. Her father, who was taking her for a bike ride is nowhere to be found. Ms. Chatty rescues my child and brings her to the door. I suck.
Well, since we have had a long and cold winter I have been able to avoid the neighborhood Chatty McMcChatterson for about nine months. I got spoiled. Now that the weather is better, she sits in wait to pounce on me. In the past two days I have been forced into two lengthy discussions with her. I AM NOT INTERESTED!! I have to start looking out the window to make sure she's not there so that I can sprint to the car. My kids are slow movers so this is no easy task. I unlock the door and get the car running before I even open the front door. I run down the stairs, swoop open the car door for the kids and hope they get in before I take off. I may leave C. one day.
So, Ms Chatty Can't Take a Hint or Recognize Obvious Social Cues McChatterson has pushed me to my limit this weekend. She lured my kids out of my yard to come play with her son. J. was supposed to watching them but was on the computer and had no idea they were missing until I came down like a Shrieking Banshee. I was that mother, standing on the porch SCREAMING at the top of my lungs....GIT IN HERE KIDS!! NOW!!!! Well, she had to come over and apologize for not making them tell someone. I had to smile the "oh, it's okay but it's really not" smile. That whole interchange took about two years.
I come home from work today. I see her. I get the cell phone out and start talking on it...to no one. I wave and keep walking. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. A few minutes later the dog starts barking his head off. I walk to the front door, thinking it is just the construction guys next door and see that half the neighborhood is congregating on my front steps. I got kids climbing in my front yard and through my ivy. I AM HOT!! I stick my head out the door and remind them that they are on my property and they are were not invited. In fact I don't even know half of you people. I think they heard the click of the shotgun. They scatter. No really, I told them to watch their kids in the ivy because there may be poison ivy.
KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA
A. just fell off her bike and fell in the street. Her father, who was taking her for a bike ride is nowhere to be found. Ms. Chatty rescues my child and brings her to the door. I suck.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Are you going to kill me?
I took C. to get his cast remolded yesterday. The nurse took out the saw to cut it off the old cast. C. very calmly asked him, "Are you going to kill me with that?"
I don't want to kill my children BUT....
Holy crap my kids are from hell!! I recognize that I have been under a lot of stress lately but they are pure evil.
I started my last two classes last week and ended up working six days. I am not trying to sound like a martyr, I am acknowledging that I am a dumb ass and didn't take a day off because I screwed around so much. Consequences or something like that. Anyhoo, I have been doing a lot of catch up and am completely slammed. I have even developed an eye twitch.
So I have a twelve hour day yesterday (and gave blood, which is a different story and am adding for dramatic martyr effect at this point), J. is out of town and come rolling in at 10:00 PM. I am tired and crabby. I just want to go to bed. I climb upstairs and find two children asleep in my bed. I am too tired to fight. I go in A's room but can't find room to sleep because of the colonies of stuffed animals that are inhabiting her bed. I go into C's room and flop on the bed. Oddly enough rubber sheets make for a warm and crinkly sleeping experience.
At 6:45AM, A. starts. She is allowed to wear shorts again to school. It doesn't matter to her that it is 4 degrees outside. I haven't even opened my eyes for the day and am covered in rubber sheet sweat and she is already crying and slamming her door. I hear her, "IT IS NOT FAIR!! MY MOM IS SO MEAN!!!" Lord, keep me from going in there and showing her mean. I roll over (crinkle crinkle) and hope to get ten more minutes of sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
C. is awake and on the warpath. "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!!! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!" I slide out of bed and find him sprawled on the hallway floor, pj pants around his ankles, shirt stuck on his head, cast (which costs a million dollars) BANGING on the wall. OH MY HOLY JESUS!!!
I can't even respond to him. I step over his body and head downstairs. C. finally comes down stairs. He is having a difficult time keeping his pants up. Not good. I go to help him put on his boot and notice that in the lining of his pants are about two pounds of hot wheels cars. I look at the clock, only one hour til school. Today is my day off and I AM NOT SPENDING IT WITH HIM!!! We continue to argue throughout the AM. He has no toys left, no video games, no books. I think I may have even taken away Christmas and his birthday for the next three years.
I take him to school and barely slow down as I eject him from the car. FREEDOM!! I enjoy my day of quiet but it ends so quickly. I pick C. up and he informs me that he is not going to do anything I tell him today. IT IS ON!!!!
A. gets home and accidentally knocks over a flower vase. She goes nuts when I suggest that she did that and needs to help clean it up. Crying, wailing, sobbing, I DIDN"T DO IT!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I walk around the corner to find my son emptying the whole sandbox out of his pockets on to the floor. I hear voices that tell me to run, run like the wind. I would have listened however, just as I was going for the door, I sharted. Yes, my friends, it happened again. What the HELL is the matter with me? Anyways, you can't runaway if you have poop swipes in your drawers.
SO, I am resigned. We are all going to bed by 7:00.
I started my last two classes last week and ended up working six days. I am not trying to sound like a martyr, I am acknowledging that I am a dumb ass and didn't take a day off because I screwed around so much. Consequences or something like that. Anyhoo, I have been doing a lot of catch up and am completely slammed. I have even developed an eye twitch.
So I have a twelve hour day yesterday (and gave blood, which is a different story and am adding for dramatic martyr effect at this point), J. is out of town and come rolling in at 10:00 PM. I am tired and crabby. I just want to go to bed. I climb upstairs and find two children asleep in my bed. I am too tired to fight. I go in A's room but can't find room to sleep because of the colonies of stuffed animals that are inhabiting her bed. I go into C's room and flop on the bed. Oddly enough rubber sheets make for a warm and crinkly sleeping experience.
At 6:45AM, A. starts. She is allowed to wear shorts again to school. It doesn't matter to her that it is 4 degrees outside. I haven't even opened my eyes for the day and am covered in rubber sheet sweat and she is already crying and slamming her door. I hear her, "IT IS NOT FAIR!! MY MOM IS SO MEAN!!!" Lord, keep me from going in there and showing her mean. I roll over (crinkle crinkle) and hope to get ten more minutes of sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
C. is awake and on the warpath. "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!!! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!" I slide out of bed and find him sprawled on the hallway floor, pj pants around his ankles, shirt stuck on his head, cast (which costs a million dollars) BANGING on the wall. OH MY HOLY JESUS!!!
I can't even respond to him. I step over his body and head downstairs. C. finally comes down stairs. He is having a difficult time keeping his pants up. Not good. I go to help him put on his boot and notice that in the lining of his pants are about two pounds of hot wheels cars. I look at the clock, only one hour til school. Today is my day off and I AM NOT SPENDING IT WITH HIM!!! We continue to argue throughout the AM. He has no toys left, no video games, no books. I think I may have even taken away Christmas and his birthday for the next three years.
I take him to school and barely slow down as I eject him from the car. FREEDOM!! I enjoy my day of quiet but it ends so quickly. I pick C. up and he informs me that he is not going to do anything I tell him today. IT IS ON!!!!
A. gets home and accidentally knocks over a flower vase. She goes nuts when I suggest that she did that and needs to help clean it up. Crying, wailing, sobbing, I DIDN"T DO IT!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I walk around the corner to find my son emptying the whole sandbox out of his pockets on to the floor. I hear voices that tell me to run, run like the wind. I would have listened however, just as I was going for the door, I sharted. Yes, my friends, it happened again. What the HELL is the matter with me? Anyways, you can't runaway if you have poop swipes in your drawers.
SO, I am resigned. We are all going to bed by 7:00.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Fat Girl Pants
So, I bought this pair of pants a couple of weeks ago and they don't fit. I am too fat. I don't like that. Mostly I don't like that these pants are FINAL SALE pants and I can't take them back.
I decided to try those "body stockings". They are supposed to take inches off your waist and thighs. You don't lose the weight, they just shift it. It has to go somewhere. WELL, I found out where it goes. I have obsese knees and a roll of fat under my boobs. NICE!!
I decided to try those "body stockings". They are supposed to take inches off your waist and thighs. You don't lose the weight, they just shift it. It has to go somewhere. WELL, I found out where it goes. I have obsese knees and a roll of fat under my boobs. NICE!!
All My Loyal Subjects
I apologize for being away for the past month. Luckily I saw most of my readership at Kelly's house for book club, so you already know my stories.
The past month has been pretty chaotic with visits and C.'s surgery, spring breaks and midterms. I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel and some peace.
C.'s surgery went well. He returned to school today. He has not been in pain at all since his surgery. However, as soon as we entered the building, he began limping and saying, "oww, oww, oww". The teacher looks at me. I am a deer in the headlights. I am pleading,"He's fine, I promise. He hasn't complained since the surgery. I swear." I AM NOT A BAD MOM!!!
He takes the sock off his cast, limps into the classroom and flicks the light switch. Once he has everyone's attention he states, " I have an announcement. I am back. I have a cast and you all may sign it."
He then finds a chair in the center of the room and allows his loyal subjects to flock about his feet.
The past month has been pretty chaotic with visits and C.'s surgery, spring breaks and midterms. I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel and some peace.
C.'s surgery went well. He returned to school today. He has not been in pain at all since his surgery. However, as soon as we entered the building, he began limping and saying, "oww, oww, oww". The teacher looks at me. I am a deer in the headlights. I am pleading,"He's fine, I promise. He hasn't complained since the surgery. I swear." I AM NOT A BAD MOM!!!
He takes the sock off his cast, limps into the classroom and flicks the light switch. Once he has everyone's attention he states, " I have an announcement. I am back. I have a cast and you all may sign it."
He then finds a chair in the center of the room and allows his loyal subjects to flock about his feet.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I'm Your Pusher Man
I am in charge of selling the "left over" Girl Scout cookies. J. was very disappointed that we didn't just get to have them. Anyways, I thought it would be a good idea to take them to school. College kids are notorious for needing munchies after a hard day at the library. What would you have done for a sleeve of Thin Mints at midnight?
So I pack up my boxes. I only bring the good stuff, no silly Trefoils or sugar free Chocolate Chip (why bother). I made a fatal error in judgment. I hate coconut, therefore I thought everyone hated coconut. I did not bring the Samoas. I got a some Thin Mints, some Tagalongs (my personal favorite), the Do Si Do and the new Lemon Creme. I figure I'll sell out in minutes.
I was having a really difficult time this AM with my clothing. I was wearing shoes that Katie can wear, but I cannot. I stepped in a crack, my heel sunk, COOKIES WENT FLYING!!! I hadn't even made it to the car and I was having this much difficulty I was not going to be carrying two boxes of cookies the 150 miles it is from my car to the building. (I didn't have any quarters for the meter) So, I decided that if someone was really interested I would go out after class and get the boxes. If no one was interested I would just take them home.
After class I make the announcement: I HAVE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! All of a sudden I have five kids waving dollar bills in my face asking for Samoas and Thin Mints and All Abouts. My head is spinning with anticipation. They'll have to come to car with me.
It was there, in that dark cold parking garage,surrounded by young kids, selling cookies out of the back of my car that I felt it. This must be what crack dealers feel like. THE POWER! THE MONEY! THE CRAVING IN THEIR EYES!!
Then the girl said it," What, no Samoas? Are you kidding me?
Me: No, man, just wait, wait I got other shit. I got Thin Mints, you know you like those, and here are the Tagalongs. They'll make you happy. Just like Reese's peanut butter cups ya know.
Girl: Oh, well, um, gimme two boxes of Thin Mints. Do you know if anyone else around here sells Samoas?
Then I got the girl with no change...I give her the cookies. She owes me now. Hopefully with those Do Si Dos, I got her. She'll be back. If she doesn't pay me, she better watch her back.
So I pack up my boxes. I only bring the good stuff, no silly Trefoils or sugar free Chocolate Chip (why bother). I made a fatal error in judgment. I hate coconut, therefore I thought everyone hated coconut. I did not bring the Samoas. I got a some Thin Mints, some Tagalongs (my personal favorite), the Do Si Do and the new Lemon Creme. I figure I'll sell out in minutes.
I was having a really difficult time this AM with my clothing. I was wearing shoes that Katie can wear, but I cannot. I stepped in a crack, my heel sunk, COOKIES WENT FLYING!!! I hadn't even made it to the car and I was having this much difficulty I was not going to be carrying two boxes of cookies the 150 miles it is from my car to the building. (I didn't have any quarters for the meter) So, I decided that if someone was really interested I would go out after class and get the boxes. If no one was interested I would just take them home.
After class I make the announcement: I HAVE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! All of a sudden I have five kids waving dollar bills in my face asking for Samoas and Thin Mints and All Abouts. My head is spinning with anticipation. They'll have to come to car with me.
It was there, in that dark cold parking garage,surrounded by young kids, selling cookies out of the back of my car that I felt it. This must be what crack dealers feel like. THE POWER! THE MONEY! THE CRAVING IN THEIR EYES!!
Then the girl said it," What, no Samoas? Are you kidding me?
Me: No, man, just wait, wait I got other shit. I got Thin Mints, you know you like those, and here are the Tagalongs. They'll make you happy. Just like Reese's peanut butter cups ya know.
Girl: Oh, well, um, gimme two boxes of Thin Mints. Do you know if anyone else around here sells Samoas?
Then I got the girl with no change...I give her the cookies. She owes me now. Hopefully with those Do Si Dos, I got her. She'll be back. If she doesn't pay me, she better watch her back.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sorry Stall #2
I violated women's bathroom etiquette today, so to the woman in the second stall, my deepest apologies.
I don't know if most men realize that women have rules...even in the bathroom. I don't know who taught us or if it just part of the DNA. Women, in general, do not poop or fart in public. We also recognize that sometimes we all have those situations when we have to use a public toilet. With that knowledge comes some respect.
I walked into the bathroom at school today to pee. Someone was already in the second stall (my stall of preference). When I chose the other stall and started to do my business, I realized that the person in the second stall was silent. This meant that she was was holding it in. The only time you hold it in is if you gotta poop.
So, the proper etiquette for the non pooper is to hurry so that the person who is holding it til you are gone can get some relief. So, here is where I goofed. I hurried to pee. I am ready to get out of there and let the woman have her peace and I can't get out of the stall. The lock is stuck. I am trying to imagine what she must be going through. Silently cursing me. I want to shout...I AM TRYING!!!! But there is the anonymity piece. You can't know who the "holder" is. As the pee-er, you know it's embarrassing, so you move quickly in order to lessen the humiliation.
Finally after jimming the lock for a second or two I am freed. I hurry to wash so that this woman can be. She can't hold it anymore. I hear EVERYTHING. I'm sorry.
I don't know if most men realize that women have rules...even in the bathroom. I don't know who taught us or if it just part of the DNA. Women, in general, do not poop or fart in public. We also recognize that sometimes we all have those situations when we have to use a public toilet. With that knowledge comes some respect.
I walked into the bathroom at school today to pee. Someone was already in the second stall (my stall of preference). When I chose the other stall and started to do my business, I realized that the person in the second stall was silent. This meant that she was was holding it in. The only time you hold it in is if you gotta poop.
So, the proper etiquette for the non pooper is to hurry so that the person who is holding it til you are gone can get some relief. So, here is where I goofed. I hurried to pee. I am ready to get out of there and let the woman have her peace and I can't get out of the stall. The lock is stuck. I am trying to imagine what she must be going through. Silently cursing me. I want to shout...I AM TRYING!!!! But there is the anonymity piece. You can't know who the "holder" is. As the pee-er, you know it's embarrassing, so you move quickly in order to lessen the humiliation.
Finally after jimming the lock for a second or two I am freed. I hurry to wash so that this woman can be. She can't hold it anymore. I hear EVERYTHING. I'm sorry.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I am too late
I just watched the Oprah show that I was shooting for. Again I am too late. Woe is me.... I guess I can start smoking again.
I just checked the website. There are upcoming shows about how Drew Barrymore has changed my life. I am not sure if they are talking about her ET years or Charlie's Angels years. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?
The other topics are about being crazy. I know that I am crazy and you know that I am crazy but I don't know if my vanity will allow me to tell the whole world that I am a nutball. Smoker, yes. Nutball, not sure.
I just checked the website. There are upcoming shows about how Drew Barrymore has changed my life. I am not sure if they are talking about her ET years or Charlie's Angels years. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?
The other topics are about being crazy. I know that I am crazy and you know that I am crazy but I don't know if my vanity will allow me to tell the whole world that I am a nutball. Smoker, yes. Nutball, not sure.
Monday, February 18, 2008
PLEASE OPRAH!!!
As most of my friends know, one of my biggest goals in life is to get on Oprah. I really want an Oprah makeover but I am not willing to be naked on national TV and I stopped wearing overalls and Birkenstocks two years ago.
So, how excited was I when they started the "Quit smoking" series? I am a smoker, I can do that. I quit smoking after watching Dr. Oz. I CAN TOTALLY BE ON THE SHOW!!! I am articulate and somewhat amusing, I would be perfect.
I wrote my letter. Now I just have to wait. What happens if I don't hear back? Do I write again? This is my fourth letter to Oprah. Do you think she has a "coocoo" list that I will automatically be forwarded to? I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE!! PEOPLE CAN LEARN FROM ME!! I CAN CHANGE LIVES!!!
So, we'll see. Hopefully I won't have to tell the whole nation that I had to stop taking Chantix because I couldn't poop. What am I gonna wear? Maybe they could do a smoker's makeover. OH THE POSSIBILITIES! Please, Oprah, call me back.
So, how excited was I when they started the "Quit smoking" series? I am a smoker, I can do that. I quit smoking after watching Dr. Oz. I CAN TOTALLY BE ON THE SHOW!!! I am articulate and somewhat amusing, I would be perfect.
I wrote my letter. Now I just have to wait. What happens if I don't hear back? Do I write again? This is my fourth letter to Oprah. Do you think she has a "coocoo" list that I will automatically be forwarded to? I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE!! PEOPLE CAN LEARN FROM ME!! I CAN CHANGE LIVES!!!
So, we'll see. Hopefully I won't have to tell the whole nation that I had to stop taking Chantix because I couldn't poop. What am I gonna wear? Maybe they could do a smoker's makeover. OH THE POSSIBILITIES! Please, Oprah, call me back.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The Third Ring
When I die and go to hell, I realize where I will be. I will be driving carpool with five kids before I have had coffee. FOR ETERNITY!!!
Oh and I found a rosary. I got a free one from campus ministry. I took an extra for good measure. (is it stealing if they are free?) I think that they were probably taken from old dead ladies' hands before they were put in the ground.
Oh and I found a rosary. I got a free one from campus ministry. I took an extra for good measure. (is it stealing if they are free?) I think that they were probably taken from old dead ladies' hands before they were put in the ground.
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Quest
The quest for the Holy Rosary began today at 5:00. A. came home with a note requesting each child bring in their rosary. We don't have a rosary. The tears began to flow. CRAP!!!
I start the phone calls. I call everywhere. In this Catholic town, no one sells rosaries. I think it is a conspiracy. I get a hot lead on a church that has them in the back of the church. I pile everyone in the car. We brave sleet and snow and dark of night to find the doors to the church locked. Our beacon in the night, extinguished. Our weary souls found no rest.
So, I call people. They think I am nuts. I have people call their mothers. Good Catholic mothers should have rosaries. They do not.
Finally, cold and tired, we return from our journey empty handed. Then Sancho Panza and Dulcinea attempted a coup. I don't recall that in the musical.
I start the phone calls. I call everywhere. In this Catholic town, no one sells rosaries. I think it is a conspiracy. I get a hot lead on a church that has them in the back of the church. I pile everyone in the car. We brave sleet and snow and dark of night to find the doors to the church locked. Our beacon in the night, extinguished. Our weary souls found no rest.
So, I call people. They think I am nuts. I have people call their mothers. Good Catholic mothers should have rosaries. They do not.
Finally, cold and tired, we return from our journey empty handed. Then Sancho Panza and Dulcinea attempted a coup. I don't recall that in the musical.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
I know that I love my kids
J. has been out of town for three days and plans to be out of town for two more. We had a snow day on Friday. We've been trapped together like rats for three days. I quit smoking. I quit eating (feels that way). I may be on edge.
I know I love my kids because I have not left them at a public place.
I know I love my kids because I have not beaten them.
I know I love my kids because I have not locked them in the basement.
I know I love my kids because I have not put them up for sale on ebay.
I know I love my kids because I have not gotten in my car and driven away from the house mumbling incoherently and calling myself Chantae.
Please let them go to school tomorrow.
I know I love my kids because I have not left them at a public place.
I know I love my kids because I have not beaten them.
I know I love my kids because I have not locked them in the basement.
I know I love my kids because I have not put them up for sale on ebay.
I know I love my kids because I have not gotten in my car and driven away from the house mumbling incoherently and calling myself Chantae.
Please let them go to school tomorrow.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Soccer, smoking and Girl Scout Cookies
So, yesterday was my QUIT DAY. Nothing to report other than it sucks.
We collected the forms for the cookie sale this week. Of course, there was one family that couldn't get it in on time. The mom called three times and said she was bringing it right over. She never showed. I saw her at Trivia Night (which by the way I rocked with my useless knowledge), she stopped me and said she'd bring it. She never brought it, SO I BROUGHT IT!!
I showed up at her house unannounced in my shin guards. I was ready for a fight. Gimme my dang cookie forms! I think she was intimidated by me standing there in shin guards. She didn't know I was on my way to soccer. I got my form, no excuses.
I arrive a little late for soccer, due to the "rough up" on the way. I was glad because I got to be on the team without Trucker Tammy, the bitch from last game. She scares me in the way that big mean women with bad hair and small woman complexes can. The only problem is that she could hurt me now that I was on the other team. She scowled at me and said, " PUT ON A RED JERSEY YOU'RE LATE!" She wasn't yelling, she was barking.
So, I played soccer. I got knocked down twice and have turf burn(that friggin hurts). I did unintentionally head the ball. Mostly I was just moving so I didn't "face" the ball. It made me look like I knew what I was doing. Trucker Tammy elbowed me a couple of times, but the cool thing is that big women with bad hair tend not to move as fast. I got around her and took my shot....the ball went under my foot and I fell on my ass. So much for my "SO THERE, BOITCH" moment.
I was then moved to defense. Not as much ball control needed there. I just have to stand in the way. The goalie kept yelling at me to "settle the ball". What the hell does that mean? Do I talk to it, reassure it, WHAT?
Finally the game was over and I was in better shape than I had been. My legs were tired but not spazzing and there were no pain induced hallucinations.
We collected the forms for the cookie sale this week. Of course, there was one family that couldn't get it in on time. The mom called three times and said she was bringing it right over. She never showed. I saw her at Trivia Night (which by the way I rocked with my useless knowledge), she stopped me and said she'd bring it. She never brought it, SO I BROUGHT IT!!
I showed up at her house unannounced in my shin guards. I was ready for a fight. Gimme my dang cookie forms! I think she was intimidated by me standing there in shin guards. She didn't know I was on my way to soccer. I got my form, no excuses.
I arrive a little late for soccer, due to the "rough up" on the way. I was glad because I got to be on the team without Trucker Tammy, the bitch from last game. She scares me in the way that big mean women with bad hair and small woman complexes can. The only problem is that she could hurt me now that I was on the other team. She scowled at me and said, " PUT ON A RED JERSEY YOU'RE LATE!" She wasn't yelling, she was barking.
So, I played soccer. I got knocked down twice and have turf burn(that friggin hurts). I did unintentionally head the ball. Mostly I was just moving so I didn't "face" the ball. It made me look like I knew what I was doing. Trucker Tammy elbowed me a couple of times, but the cool thing is that big women with bad hair tend not to move as fast. I got around her and took my shot....the ball went under my foot and I fell on my ass. So much for my "SO THERE, BOITCH" moment.
I was then moved to defense. Not as much ball control needed there. I just have to stand in the way. The goalie kept yelling at me to "settle the ball". What the hell does that mean? Do I talk to it, reassure it, WHAT?
Finally the game was over and I was in better shape than I had been. My legs were tired but not spazzing and there were no pain induced hallucinations.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Oh FLU-EY!
C. has been back to school since the beginning of January. I went back on Tuesday. C. has had the flu all week. Of course!! J. helped out and the babysitter helped out so that I could at least conduct my first week of class. A. got it Saturday. The world hates me. But I have had the opportunity to see that the differences to men and women's responses to illness begin at a very young age.
C. , who is already motivationally challenged, was a pain in the ass. He couldn't do ANYTHING! Every time I asked him to, I don't know, wipe his butt, his response was...I CAN"T, I'M SICK!! At one point he actually told me he a was a "delicate boy" and would be unable to complete the task. Where the hell did that come from? He reminded me of his father just the weekend before. J. had caused his own illness and was unable to function, let alone get off the couch.
A. on the other hand, is never sick. Even with a 102 fever, she will swear to you that she is not sick. Anytime the thought of not going to school came up, she cried, " I"M NOT SICK!!" She's so afraid she is going to miss something. C. thinks nothing happens without him.
So, know J. and I are on preventive flu medication so that we don't get sick. J., of course is just mooching off my prescription because he can't believe the medical association wouldn't just give him a prescription over the phone. It's bullshit. I swear he is 70 years old.
C. , who is already motivationally challenged, was a pain in the ass. He couldn't do ANYTHING! Every time I asked him to, I don't know, wipe his butt, his response was...I CAN"T, I'M SICK!! At one point he actually told me he a was a "delicate boy" and would be unable to complete the task. Where the hell did that come from? He reminded me of his father just the weekend before. J. had caused his own illness and was unable to function, let alone get off the couch.
A. on the other hand, is never sick. Even with a 102 fever, she will swear to you that she is not sick. Anytime the thought of not going to school came up, she cried, " I"M NOT SICK!!" She's so afraid she is going to miss something. C. thinks nothing happens without him.
So, know J. and I are on preventive flu medication so that we don't get sick. J., of course is just mooching off my prescription because he can't believe the medical association wouldn't just give him a prescription over the phone. It's bullshit. I swear he is 70 years old.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
BUUUUUUUFORD!!!
My daughter is a lovely child. She has big beautiful eyes and in always smiling. Today I wish she was not. I came home from work (my first day of school where everything went wrong) to find my son with a fever and my lovely daughter looking like a refugee from a truck stop.
She lost her front tooth eating a hot dog. The other one is hanging on by a thread, so is much "longer" than her other teeth. She won't just let me pull it. Anyhow, I come in the house and see her. She has on a raggedy baseball cap pulled down and a torn T-shirt. She smiles at me and I see it.....BUFORD, the gap toothed hillbilly. I can't even look at her without laughing. My beautiful little girl.
She overheard me talking to J.
"Mom, why did you call me Buford?"
"Well, honey, you look like a hillbilly."
"What's a hillbilly?"
With that I pulled out the family photo album and showed them the picture of my cousin's wedding, where they had an accordion for the musical entertainment and the port-o-potty next to the dance floor. The banjos began to play...
She lost her front tooth eating a hot dog. The other one is hanging on by a thread, so is much "longer" than her other teeth. She won't just let me pull it. Anyhow, I come in the house and see her. She has on a raggedy baseball cap pulled down and a torn T-shirt. She smiles at me and I see it.....BUFORD, the gap toothed hillbilly. I can't even look at her without laughing. My beautiful little girl.
She overheard me talking to J.
"Mom, why did you call me Buford?"
"Well, honey, you look like a hillbilly."
"What's a hillbilly?"
With that I pulled out the family photo album and showed them the picture of my cousin's wedding, where they had an accordion for the musical entertainment and the port-o-potty next to the dance floor. The banjos began to play...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Dumb Blonde
I had a moment today. I took J.'s car today. I parked in the parking garage. J's car in pretty nondescript. When I returned in the afternoon, I attempted to break in to someone else's car. OOPS!
That BITES!
The mad biter has bit again. C. and I have been having some issues lately. He's lazy and stubborn as am I. Lucky for me I am bigger and meaner so I usually win. He absolutely gives me a run for my money.
Anyway, I get a call from C's school that he bit someone at school AGAIN!! I blew. The teacher was quick to his defense. Apparently he was provoked. Not good enough for me. That boy is mine. Well, when it was time to pick him up from school he took one look at my face and burst into tears. GOOD!! He's scared. If I were a GM I would be nurturing and loving and reassuring. It has been established that I am not one of those so as soon as the car door closed we had a good ole fashion COME TO JESUS.
Once we pulled up to the front of the house, C. refused to get out of the car. Did he really think I wouldn't leave his biter butt in the car ALL NIGHT! Don't tempt me boy. Eventually, I just grabbed him out kicking and screaming and took him to his room. We both needed a time out at that point.
Again, I found myself making the dreaded phone call. I have made it so many times I should just have my script taped to the refrigerator door instead of the emergency phone list.
It goes a little something like this:
Hello, (insert name). My name is Shannon and I am C's mother. I was informed that C. (hit, kicked, pushed, bit)your child, (insert name). Is (insert name) okay? I apologize that C. hurt (insert name). Thank you for not filing charges. Have a good night.
Anyway, I get a call from C's school that he bit someone at school AGAIN!! I blew. The teacher was quick to his defense. Apparently he was provoked. Not good enough for me. That boy is mine. Well, when it was time to pick him up from school he took one look at my face and burst into tears. GOOD!! He's scared. If I were a GM I would be nurturing and loving and reassuring. It has been established that I am not one of those so as soon as the car door closed we had a good ole fashion COME TO JESUS.
Once we pulled up to the front of the house, C. refused to get out of the car. Did he really think I wouldn't leave his biter butt in the car ALL NIGHT! Don't tempt me boy. Eventually, I just grabbed him out kicking and screaming and took him to his room. We both needed a time out at that point.
Again, I found myself making the dreaded phone call. I have made it so many times I should just have my script taped to the refrigerator door instead of the emergency phone list.
It goes a little something like this:
Hello, (insert name). My name is Shannon and I am C's mother. I was informed that C. (hit, kicked, pushed, bit)your child, (insert name). Is (insert name) okay? I apologize that C. hurt (insert name). Thank you for not filing charges. Have a good night.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Hugging
As part of my CHANGE IN 08 slogan, I have decided to be more open and friendly. I went out to dinner with some previous co-workers on Sunday. We went to a bad Japanese restaurant that cooks right in front of you. I had a really hard time with a) the HUGE FIRE TWO INCHES FROM MY FACE and b) the cleanliness of the cooking area. But, I was a sport. I oohed and awed at the experience. At one point the very clever "chef" threw me a piece of chicken to catch in my mouth. NOT ME MAN! I don't know if that chicken has been thoroughly cooked, so it bounced off my shoulder and on to the floor. Oops.
So at the end of the evening it was time to go. Here comes the hugs. I take a deep breath and go in. I go down the line. I hate hugs.
So at the end of the evening it was time to go. Here comes the hugs. I take a deep breath and go in. I go down the line. I hate hugs.
Weight Watchers
So, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I don't do meetings very well, so the online plan was the only way. The FRIGGIN computer says I need to lose 20 pounds. WHAT?!?!?!? I haven't weighed what it says I should since I was 26. I have like two points a day that I can eat and I am hungry all the time. My precious coffee takes up most of my points. My activity tracker is supposed to swap points when I am active. However, everything that I put in the computer says that I am not active enough for a point. It's a long walk from the parking garage to the office. I take the stairs!! NOTHING!!
It's only been two days.
It's only been two days.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Healthy New Year
I am trying to lose weight before I quit smoking. I have been trying really hard for about ten days which is ten days longer than any previous attempt. I haven't lost any weight. Screw healthy.
In Over My Head
I know that I sound like a big ole whine bag...but I am. So here's my whine. I just started to work full time. That is going in everyday and staying all day. School hasn't started yet so it's not too stressful but I am afraid of what is to come. I have meetings to go to, which I hate by the way, emails to respond to, phone calls to take. People need to talk to me. I don't like it. I liked it better when I was on my own. I'm a maverick, a wild one, a rebel.
I have come to new respect for working mothers. You work hard, you come home, you work some more then you go to bed. I miss my kid free, husband free days. So anyway, not everyone in my home is adjusting as well to the changes that come with a working mom. Not everyone gets that having to leave in the middle of a meeting during your first week of work to get kids from school may be stressful. Not everyone understands that running errands for other members of the family and cleaning toilets and folding laundry are at the top of the list of things to do anymore.
The big issue right now is Girl Scout cookies. I will do as much( or as little) as I need to do to sell cookies. Not everyone in my family agrees with this philosophy. Not everyone in my family believes that doing the bare minimum to make a good showing for something that is meaningless in the grand scale of life is "good enough". However, when I pointed out that if not everyone liked the way I was doing things they were more than welcome to step in and take over. Not everyone liked that response.
I have come to new respect for working mothers. You work hard, you come home, you work some more then you go to bed. I miss my kid free, husband free days. So anyway, not everyone in my home is adjusting as well to the changes that come with a working mom. Not everyone gets that having to leave in the middle of a meeting during your first week of work to get kids from school may be stressful. Not everyone understands that running errands for other members of the family and cleaning toilets and folding laundry are at the top of the list of things to do anymore.
The big issue right now is Girl Scout cookies. I will do as much( or as little) as I need to do to sell cookies. Not everyone in my family agrees with this philosophy. Not everyone in my family believes that doing the bare minimum to make a good showing for something that is meaningless in the grand scale of life is "good enough". However, when I pointed out that if not everyone liked the way I was doing things they were more than welcome to step in and take over. Not everyone liked that response.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Lovely Rita Meter Maid
Holy crap am I sore today! I thought yesterday was bad. Anyhow, that's not really blogworthy but it sets the stage for the incident that happened today. Due to the fact that my legs hurt I parked at the meters today instead of the parking garage which is a WHOLE lot further to the office. I am very good about keeping up with my meter because I have been ticketed for being 2 minutes over.
Because I knew that it would take me a good long while to get to the meter RIGHT outside the building I gave myself plenty of time....but I miscalculated. I was five minutes behind. I couldn't hurry, I could barely walk. I get outside and I see her. She weighs about 300 lbs and walks as fast as I do. We are on opposite sides of the walk. There is nothing between me and a $10 dollar parking ticket except sore legs and a big fat meter maid. We are in a race, who wobbles the fastest. I look her in the eye. She is a force. I get my quarters out....I am too late.
You all know the rest. The shame and the defeat of the parking ticket. The song stuck in your head.
Because I knew that it would take me a good long while to get to the meter RIGHT outside the building I gave myself plenty of time....but I miscalculated. I was five minutes behind. I couldn't hurry, I could barely walk. I get outside and I see her. She weighs about 300 lbs and walks as fast as I do. We are on opposite sides of the walk. There is nothing between me and a $10 dollar parking ticket except sore legs and a big fat meter maid. We are in a race, who wobbles the fastest. I look her in the eye. She is a force. I get my quarters out....I am too late.
You all know the rest. The shame and the defeat of the parking ticket. The song stuck in your head.
Monday, January 07, 2008
I Have Lost My Mind
I know this is not difficult to have predicted but it has officially happened. As I pondered my goals for 2008, they seem to be the same as for the last 10 years: lose weight, get in shape, quit smoking. Blah, blah, blah. Well on Saturday morning after an especially smokey night, I open the mail to find that if I don't quit smoking by the end of February that we will have to pay a $600 fine to the insurance company. My quit date is January 19th.
So, the next thing is getting in shape. I looked and looked for something to do. I hate to exercise so when I was not able to find that sit on your ass class and drink coffee while burning 2000 calories, I had to get creative.
I joined the over thirty women's soccer league. I played last night. I showed up in my running shoes and raggedy shorts. It was supposed to be a pick up game, but these women meant business. They had shin guards and sports goggles and indoor cleats. I was intimidated. So, I get out there. Not so bad. I am running and kicking and falling. Indoor is a little faster than outdoor and I had just had a cigarette on the way to the arena. After about 25 minutes I looked at the clock and THOUGHT it said that we were twenty minutes OVER time. Thank the Lord Jesus. I made it. It wasn't so bad. I get ready to get off the field. Someone shouts to me that we still have forty minutes to go.
As always, I can find someone I hate within the first twenty minutes. I made the mistake of telling my team that I had not played since the fifth grade and may be a little rusty. Well, this bull of a woman took that to mean I was a COMPLETE idiot. She barked orders at me the whole time. She is our unofficial coach. I am hard to coach. However, all the other women seem to respect her and give to her whims. We are going to have problems. At one point as I am mouthing "shut the fuck up" to myself (girl in a bubble syndrome), one of the other players sees me and may have read my lips. NICE!
So, finally I get into the swing of things. I am falling and missing kicks but am really being aggressive and "getting in there". I catch a fast break. HOLY CRAP VISIONS OF FIFTH GRADE COME FLOODING BACK!! Down the field I go. I am moving pretty fast for someone who has not moved faster than a stroll in ten years. I can't believe it. I am totally rocking this. BLAM! I trip over the ball and land on my face. I can't even blame anyone else for charging me. I just plain ole fell. Maybe I do need coaching.
It is my turn to play goalie. I am a big ole baby so this may not be the position for me. I am okay because it gives me a chance to catch my breath. I have jelly legs at this point and may actually be hallucinating. I think I see chasers. My hips, hamstrings (if women have those) and lower back are making it known that they will pay me back dearly for this offense of exercise.
The field turns towards me. It takes me a minute to realize that I am not a spectator but actually the last line of defense and these women are going to be kicking a ball at my face in a matter of seconds. PANIC!!! The ball comes flying at me, but not at my face, rather my thigh. (Luckily they are big these days.) SMACK!!! The sound of ball on flesh, my flesh. Pain shoots up my leg!! That is gonna bruise. I try to shake it off. I can't let them see me cry. But it really hurts.
Finally the game has ended and it is time to go home. I wobble home, the imprint of the ball tattooed into my leg. My legs begin to spasm with every step. What have I done? They want me to come back next week. They like me....they really like me.
So, the next thing is getting in shape. I looked and looked for something to do. I hate to exercise so when I was not able to find that sit on your ass class and drink coffee while burning 2000 calories, I had to get creative.
I joined the over thirty women's soccer league. I played last night. I showed up in my running shoes and raggedy shorts. It was supposed to be a pick up game, but these women meant business. They had shin guards and sports goggles and indoor cleats. I was intimidated. So, I get out there. Not so bad. I am running and kicking and falling. Indoor is a little faster than outdoor and I had just had a cigarette on the way to the arena. After about 25 minutes I looked at the clock and THOUGHT it said that we were twenty minutes OVER time. Thank the Lord Jesus. I made it. It wasn't so bad. I get ready to get off the field. Someone shouts to me that we still have forty minutes to go.
As always, I can find someone I hate within the first twenty minutes. I made the mistake of telling my team that I had not played since the fifth grade and may be a little rusty. Well, this bull of a woman took that to mean I was a COMPLETE idiot. She barked orders at me the whole time. She is our unofficial coach. I am hard to coach. However, all the other women seem to respect her and give to her whims. We are going to have problems. At one point as I am mouthing "shut the fuck up" to myself (girl in a bubble syndrome), one of the other players sees me and may have read my lips. NICE!
So, finally I get into the swing of things. I am falling and missing kicks but am really being aggressive and "getting in there". I catch a fast break. HOLY CRAP VISIONS OF FIFTH GRADE COME FLOODING BACK!! Down the field I go. I am moving pretty fast for someone who has not moved faster than a stroll in ten years. I can't believe it. I am totally rocking this. BLAM! I trip over the ball and land on my face. I can't even blame anyone else for charging me. I just plain ole fell. Maybe I do need coaching.
It is my turn to play goalie. I am a big ole baby so this may not be the position for me. I am okay because it gives me a chance to catch my breath. I have jelly legs at this point and may actually be hallucinating. I think I see chasers. My hips, hamstrings (if women have those) and lower back are making it known that they will pay me back dearly for this offense of exercise.
The field turns towards me. It takes me a minute to realize that I am not a spectator but actually the last line of defense and these women are going to be kicking a ball at my face in a matter of seconds. PANIC!!! The ball comes flying at me, but not at my face, rather my thigh. (Luckily they are big these days.) SMACK!!! The sound of ball on flesh, my flesh. Pain shoots up my leg!! That is gonna bruise. I try to shake it off. I can't let them see me cry. But it really hurts.
Finally the game has ended and it is time to go home. I wobble home, the imprint of the ball tattooed into my leg. My legs begin to spasm with every step. What have I done? They want me to come back next week. They like me....they really like me.
McGruff gets flipped off
Happy New Year my friends! Hope you all are well. I apologize for my absence, although I do realize it is only an issue for Katie and Dee. No too much has been going on, thankfully.
Here's the lowdown:
1. Made it through Christmas with no illnesses or tears.
2. Moved into my office. I feel claustrophobic and have to leave after two hours.
Man, that's it. So now that you are caught up to date, I can tell you what happened last Friday.
I was getting into my car and saw a suspicious car across the street. There were two guys just sitting in the car. Well, I gave them the ole stink eye. I wanted them to know that I knew they were there. Well the little bastard flipped me off. WE WAS ON!!! So I drove down the street a ways and called the fuzz. We've been having a series of break ins in the neighborhood, so I believe I was doing what the neighbors would want. I explain to dispatch that I KNOW it is not illegal to flip someone off but could they please send a cruiser to check it out.
I was on my way to work but had to see what happened. It then occurred to me that not only did those two men know what I look like, they know where I live and the car I drive. Hmmmm. Paranoia sets in. As stealth as I can be in a huge white SUV, I begin driving down alleys and peeking around corners. The police arrive, talk to the guys and leave. They must be construction guys. CRAP!!!
I call J. who laughs. He lets me know that they aren't going to try to kill me....they'll just key my car.
Here's the lowdown:
1. Made it through Christmas with no illnesses or tears.
2. Moved into my office. I feel claustrophobic and have to leave after two hours.
Man, that's it. So now that you are caught up to date, I can tell you what happened last Friday.
I was getting into my car and saw a suspicious car across the street. There were two guys just sitting in the car. Well, I gave them the ole stink eye. I wanted them to know that I knew they were there. Well the little bastard flipped me off. WE WAS ON!!! So I drove down the street a ways and called the fuzz. We've been having a series of break ins in the neighborhood, so I believe I was doing what the neighbors would want. I explain to dispatch that I KNOW it is not illegal to flip someone off but could they please send a cruiser to check it out.
I was on my way to work but had to see what happened. It then occurred to me that not only did those two men know what I look like, they know where I live and the car I drive. Hmmmm. Paranoia sets in. As stealth as I can be in a huge white SUV, I begin driving down alleys and peeking around corners. The police arrive, talk to the guys and leave. They must be construction guys. CRAP!!!
I call J. who laughs. He lets me know that they aren't going to try to kill me....they'll just key my car.
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