I guess you know that you have "made it" professionally when you have to go to meetings. You are important enough to be included in the decision making process. They care what you think and they want to keep YOU informed. I want to be a failure. I am having my first "back to school" week where my presence is mandatory. I don't add anything to the conversation. I don't even know what they are talking about most of the time. Just let me know when I screwed something up and I'll go to a class. (As in the whole computer debacle that led to the mandatory computer class with the 80 year old man.)
So, I sat through 6 hours of a "retreat" yesterday. I managed to stay awake with the assistance of five cups of coffee. I don't feel as though I am any more informed now than I was before the meeting but I can mark it off my list. As a "new" faculty member I was introduced to faculty members who already know me. Luckily the Dean is hosting a party in honor of the "new faculty" in a couple of weeks. I am so excited to attend another meeting. It's on a Sunday. What I liked most about this "retreat" was that I was assigned to attend more meetings. YEPIEE! At then end of the day, the Dean was planning to end early, when one of the old professors, who teaches the evils of the microwave and blow dryer, decided that he needed to put his two cents in. The announcement had already been made that we were cutting the afternoon short. I was ready to go. I felt this wave of rage fill my body. My leg was bouncing, my fingers were tapping. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU OLD IRRELEVANT FOOL NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK SHUT UP SHUT UP I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT was all I could think. I had to restrain myself, this was not acceptable behavior in this group.
Luckily for me I had another two hour meeting to attend in the evening. I arrived, introduced myself and sat down to listen to a bunch of crap that had nothing to do with me. It went on and on. Don't these people have lives? Don't they hate being here as much as I do? The free food is not that great! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
As in all meetings I attend, there is one person who feels the need to hear themselves talk. They are enlightening their colleagues. At this particular meeting, it was a staff member that had A LOT of questions. She was sitting in front of me and would stand to ask each of her ridiculous questions. She wanted everyone to be able to hear. I couldn't hear her due to the fact that I was distracted by her ugly white nurse pants. It wasn't so much the pants as it was that she unwisely chose pink flowered granny panties to wear under her white pants. Those flowers were inches from my face. How am I expected to listen to you when all I can think of is that I can see your underwear?
After two hours, they were still going. I did not. I looked at my watch picked up my stuff and left. I had to get out. I couldn't breathe. I suppose I will have to apologize and make up some story of why I left. I want to tell them that they took two hours of my life, they should be apologizing to me, but somehow I know that is inappropriate.
Luckily for me I have four more meetings this week. I wish I were invisible again.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Is that a banjo I hear?
This weekend the family took a trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. I have never been there before and I must say that it was a cultural experience indeed. As most of our trips go, there had to be issues. A., who is never sick, came down with a nasty virus two days before we were supposed to go. I took her to the MD and they assured me it would pass and we should go on our trip. We waited and waited and took her temperature every 15 minutes until it was time to leave. No change. We went anyway. Today, her fever broke...of course.
So, we make the three hour journey to the lake. According to our directions we were supposed to turn on one street. That street was closed, so we turned on the next. As we drove down this gravel road, we saw that we were surrounded by the cast from Deliverance. I swear I could hear banjos playing. Uriah, Bocifus and Zeke were standing in their front "yard" as we drove by. I got a close enough look to see that there were three teeth among them. What was interesting was that they had a fire going. No grill, no pit, just a fire in the middle of the "yard". I wondered if it was flesh I was smelling or the sweet smell of meth. J., who is not one to panic, put the car in reverse and sped back. He didn't look behind him. I don't think he cared if he hit anyone.
Once we arrived at the right place we were pleasantly surprised. The next day our friends, who were joining us on this Hillbilly Getaway, accompanied me to the Wal Mart Super Center to seek out food and beverage. I hate Wal Mart. Not necessarily for all political reasons, simple because it is dirty and crowded and reminds me that no matter what I say, I am an elitist. While there, I was a witness to MANY plain ole Southern style whoopins. No one batted an eye. I don't know what these children were doing wrong but I imagine it had something to do with selecting Budweiser instead of Busch. You don't need to put on airs just cuz you at the lake.
Unfortunately for A., she was sick and didn't get to do much. We put off taking out a boat until Saturday, hoping she would be better. She was a little better so we decided to push our luck and rent a pontoon boat (which is like a bus) for two hours. There were no pontoons available so we had to go with a speedboat. Okay, fine. I get seasick but J. knows this so he will take it easy. We get on the boat and motor smoothly out of the marina. J. then asks C. if he wants to help drive. WHO DOES THAT????? So, C. takes his position at the helm. He can't see over the dash of the boat but he can find the throttle. All of sudden, we are flying. I mean literally FLYING. He is bouncing us across the lake, laughing maniacally with every shriek I make. I had been drinking a soda out of a can. I was now wearing the soda out of the can. At one point I truly believe that I tasted my own kidneys. I was convinced that my innards were about to be my outards. All the bouncing sloshed around the soda and I began to vomit. Luckily I closed my mouth. Unluckily, the vomit entered my nasal cavity and if I had not grabbed my nose in time I would have actually vomited out of my nose. Vomit burns.
We eventually end this Apocalypse Now lake adventure and return home. Luckily for me, A. was wiped and didn't want to go fishing. The thought of handling BOTH fish and worms was too much for this city girl. In the Ozarks, the soda vending machines also provide worms, in the same machine. BLECH!!
Saturday night as we were winding the kids down, I hear one of our friend's children say, "THERE's A BUG IN THE BED! I AM NOT SLEEPING HERE." His father went to investigate. He did not find a bug, rather he found a condom stuck between the mattresses. "What's that?" the children ask. He is a quick one. He told them it was a candy wrapper. He then asked them,"Which one of you is eating candy in this room?" My only concern to with that is when they go the candy store and ask for a Magnum Bar.
We get back to civilization and A starts to feel better. J. is now sick.
So, we make the three hour journey to the lake. According to our directions we were supposed to turn on one street. That street was closed, so we turned on the next. As we drove down this gravel road, we saw that we were surrounded by the cast from Deliverance. I swear I could hear banjos playing. Uriah, Bocifus and Zeke were standing in their front "yard" as we drove by. I got a close enough look to see that there were three teeth among them. What was interesting was that they had a fire going. No grill, no pit, just a fire in the middle of the "yard". I wondered if it was flesh I was smelling or the sweet smell of meth. J., who is not one to panic, put the car in reverse and sped back. He didn't look behind him. I don't think he cared if he hit anyone.
Once we arrived at the right place we were pleasantly surprised. The next day our friends, who were joining us on this Hillbilly Getaway, accompanied me to the Wal Mart Super Center to seek out food and beverage. I hate Wal Mart. Not necessarily for all political reasons, simple because it is dirty and crowded and reminds me that no matter what I say, I am an elitist. While there, I was a witness to MANY plain ole Southern style whoopins. No one batted an eye. I don't know what these children were doing wrong but I imagine it had something to do with selecting Budweiser instead of Busch. You don't need to put on airs just cuz you at the lake.
Unfortunately for A., she was sick and didn't get to do much. We put off taking out a boat until Saturday, hoping she would be better. She was a little better so we decided to push our luck and rent a pontoon boat (which is like a bus) for two hours. There were no pontoons available so we had to go with a speedboat. Okay, fine. I get seasick but J. knows this so he will take it easy. We get on the boat and motor smoothly out of the marina. J. then asks C. if he wants to help drive. WHO DOES THAT????? So, C. takes his position at the helm. He can't see over the dash of the boat but he can find the throttle. All of sudden, we are flying. I mean literally FLYING. He is bouncing us across the lake, laughing maniacally with every shriek I make. I had been drinking a soda out of a can. I was now wearing the soda out of the can. At one point I truly believe that I tasted my own kidneys. I was convinced that my innards were about to be my outards. All the bouncing sloshed around the soda and I began to vomit. Luckily I closed my mouth. Unluckily, the vomit entered my nasal cavity and if I had not grabbed my nose in time I would have actually vomited out of my nose. Vomit burns.
We eventually end this Apocalypse Now lake adventure and return home. Luckily for me, A. was wiped and didn't want to go fishing. The thought of handling BOTH fish and worms was too much for this city girl. In the Ozarks, the soda vending machines also provide worms, in the same machine. BLECH!!
Saturday night as we were winding the kids down, I hear one of our friend's children say, "THERE's A BUG IN THE BED! I AM NOT SLEEPING HERE." His father went to investigate. He did not find a bug, rather he found a condom stuck between the mattresses. "What's that?" the children ask. He is a quick one. He told them it was a candy wrapper. He then asked them,"Which one of you is eating candy in this room?" My only concern to with that is when they go the candy store and ask for a Magnum Bar.
We get back to civilization and A starts to feel better. J. is now sick.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Reading
C. is learning to read. He can read Bud Light. So there to all of you who think he is not gifted.
Ungratitude Journal
I have been off for a few months working and realizing that my life is not that interesting for much blogging. However, as I was driving around yesterday I started to compile a list of things that I am not grateful for.
1. The word vehicle. It doesn't rank with moist ball sack but it really gets on my nerves. People say vehicle much more than they say moist ball sack, so it is much more prevalent.
2. Grocery shopping. Some people really love to grocery shop. I HATE it. It's always crowded and there is inevitably some old lady who has parked her cart in front of the coffee filters and is reading ALL the labels on the coffee creamer looking for the kind that her friend Myrtle served at last week's bridge game. You may wait a second or two. Then you start to give her the stink eye, but she doesn't see it. You ask her if you could just grab what is right next to her head and then she proceeds to give YOU the stink eye before she moves her cart. Not that that has recently happened.
3. People who don't eat cake at a birthday party. I MEAN COME ON!!! How often do you get to eat cake that you turn it down? If I had cake everyday, I might think, you know I will have cake tomorrow, so I think I will pass today. BUT NOBODY HAS CAKE EVERYDAY! Inevitably it is the skinny bitch who turns down cake so that when you eat your cake you are suddenly VERY conscious that you are the only mother at the kid's party who is eating cake. mmmm....cake.
4. Vegetarians. I really think that they just do it to make the rest of us flesh eaters feel inferior and barbaric. Most of these people wear leather or have leather seats in their SUVs but are going to look down their noses at me because I love McDonald's.
5. Running errands. I know a lot of people love to feel like they got things accomplished. They like to have everything done. I will put off errands until they have to be done. Instead of stopping to get gas this morning I decided that I could make it til to tomorrow because I hate getting gas. I don't know if I think that somehow tomorrow I will have a change of heart and realize how much I LOVE getting gas and thank myself for this special gift.
6. Neighbors. I like having someone who will call the police or the fire department if you are in danger but I really want to be left alone in my backyard with my beer and cigarettes. I want you to stay in your house when I run out to the car.I don't care about what is happening in your life. If you didn't live five feet from me I wouldn't care about you, so why does proximity suddenly make me give a shit?
7. Laundry. It is not so much the washing of the clothes as it is the putting away of the clothes. I wish that I had a laundress.
8. Bad vacation pictures. Everyone wants to see your pictures and when you resemble Miss Piggy with boob, pit and crotch sweat,and hair that looks like a camel sucked on your head,you may not be anxious to pass those around. You might tear them up and throw them away. You may then pretend not to hear when your husband asks where the picture is. He may then call you selfish and vain. You may agree.
9. "Flying squirrel arms." Some labels just stick with you. You may try to work out but you hate working out. You may just wear long sleeves in the heat of the summer.
10. Public restrooms. I have issues with the germs and the random poop swipes and pubic hair.
11. The groups Boston, Bad Co., Blind Melon, Goo Goo and Foo dolls or fighters and all post Nirvana grunge bands. It seems these groups are always on the radio. Who likes this crap?
12. Throwing out a just lit cigarette because someone you know is driving next to you and they are out of their "place" and then you realize it wasn't them. This is also reminds you that you are supposed to quit smoking for the 100th time this year.
So that's a start. I assume that the list will grow as my day continues.
1. The word vehicle. It doesn't rank with moist ball sack but it really gets on my nerves. People say vehicle much more than they say moist ball sack, so it is much more prevalent.
2. Grocery shopping. Some people really love to grocery shop. I HATE it. It's always crowded and there is inevitably some old lady who has parked her cart in front of the coffee filters and is reading ALL the labels on the coffee creamer looking for the kind that her friend Myrtle served at last week's bridge game. You may wait a second or two. Then you start to give her the stink eye, but she doesn't see it. You ask her if you could just grab what is right next to her head and then she proceeds to give YOU the stink eye before she moves her cart. Not that that has recently happened.
3. People who don't eat cake at a birthday party. I MEAN COME ON!!! How often do you get to eat cake that you turn it down? If I had cake everyday, I might think, you know I will have cake tomorrow, so I think I will pass today. BUT NOBODY HAS CAKE EVERYDAY! Inevitably it is the skinny bitch who turns down cake so that when you eat your cake you are suddenly VERY conscious that you are the only mother at the kid's party who is eating cake. mmmm....cake.
4. Vegetarians. I really think that they just do it to make the rest of us flesh eaters feel inferior and barbaric. Most of these people wear leather or have leather seats in their SUVs but are going to look down their noses at me because I love McDonald's.
5. Running errands. I know a lot of people love to feel like they got things accomplished. They like to have everything done. I will put off errands until they have to be done. Instead of stopping to get gas this morning I decided that I could make it til to tomorrow because I hate getting gas. I don't know if I think that somehow tomorrow I will have a change of heart and realize how much I LOVE getting gas and thank myself for this special gift.
6. Neighbors. I like having someone who will call the police or the fire department if you are in danger but I really want to be left alone in my backyard with my beer and cigarettes. I want you to stay in your house when I run out to the car.I don't care about what is happening in your life. If you didn't live five feet from me I wouldn't care about you, so why does proximity suddenly make me give a shit?
7. Laundry. It is not so much the washing of the clothes as it is the putting away of the clothes. I wish that I had a laundress.
8. Bad vacation pictures. Everyone wants to see your pictures and when you resemble Miss Piggy with boob, pit and crotch sweat,and hair that looks like a camel sucked on your head,you may not be anxious to pass those around. You might tear them up and throw them away. You may then pretend not to hear when your husband asks where the picture is. He may then call you selfish and vain. You may agree.
9. "Flying squirrel arms." Some labels just stick with you. You may try to work out but you hate working out. You may just wear long sleeves in the heat of the summer.
10. Public restrooms. I have issues with the germs and the random poop swipes and pubic hair.
11. The groups Boston, Bad Co., Blind Melon, Goo Goo and Foo dolls or fighters and all post Nirvana grunge bands. It seems these groups are always on the radio. Who likes this crap?
12. Throwing out a just lit cigarette because someone you know is driving next to you and they are out of their "place" and then you realize it wasn't them. This is also reminds you that you are supposed to quit smoking for the 100th time this year.
So that's a start. I assume that the list will grow as my day continues.
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