LORD I'M BORED

I think I have hit an all time low. I just unknowingly spent a full hour on the General Hospital message board reading about fictional characters. These people are crazy. You should see the arguments these folks get into over people who do not exist! Now to be fair they also fight about whether or not someone should be banned for their opinion about the character. Right there we are talking about something much deeper, First Amendment rights. There was also a rather heated debate about whether or not Miss Universe should be Japanese because Japanese women are not attractive. LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!!

Be warned: These people walk among us.

The First 48

As in a criminal investigation, quitting smoking is at a critical point in the first 48. I made it. I haven't had a cigarette in three days. Not to say that I don't want one, because I REALLY do. My MD encouraged me to pick a time when my stress was at a minimum and there would be available support. I picked this weekend. 6:00PM on Friday was my last smoke. Ahhh, the good ole days. The medicine I am on works okay. I am a little on edge but not killing anyone. The bonus to the meds is that it gives me insomnia, constipation and gas. Okay, so it's hard to say if the medicine is causing the gas, but I'm going with that for now.

J. has been awesome. He's taken the children away from me and allowed me time to myself. God love him. He's also been watching and sniffing me. He doesn't think I know, but I do. I truly am smoke free. Why the hell would I be this crabby if I was smoking?

The weekend was good for the most part. We were busy enough that I had other things to occupy me. Two BBQs in two days. The first one was fine. A. got hit in the head with a bat, which caused some drama. She's fine. The second one would have been fine if I were not a full out freak show. My sister in law was there and just looking at her makes me mad. Her kids were ornery and so my kids decided it was okay to act like fools. My niece is a brat. She was deliberately trying to hurt C. I yelled at her and she shot me a look that stopped me in my tracks. She is SOOOOO lucky she is not my kid. We had to leave before my head exploded. I don't have much self control right now.

Tomorrow we are leaving to visit my parents. I am not sure this is the best idea but I'll either kill my kids here or there. Doesn't matter to me. Since 6:30 AM these kids have been fighting. I just screeched. I put my fingers in my ears and screamed," THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN I AM IGNORING YOU!!!" Yes, I'm 35.

Not much has happened on General Hospital, although there is quite a feud between Liz and Sam fans about Liz's baby. I did find an addicting quiz game that has helped me keep my sanity. Only one week to go. I never thought I'd miss my listening to crazy people as much as I do. Okay, so it's getting away from two short crazy people.

Wishing you clean air!

Summer!

I have to go back to work. NOW! Everything my children are doing is making me crazy. Today was the final blow. We went to a mall with their friends that has an indoor playground. What more could a kid want? Well, they were from the depths of hell. This is also after spending the past two days doing everything these kids wanted to do. I FLIPPED!! When we got home I sent them to their rooms and ordered them to go to sleep because I needed to go to sleep. I realized very quickly that no matter how much you threaten and yell you CANNOT physically make someone go to sleep.

I tried to quit smoking today. The shitty thing is that because of the medicine the cigarette did not work. I was still mad and crabby and wanted to sell my children to the traveling gypsies. Though I don't believe the gypsies would have even taken them today. I mean, they were up for four minutes and started fighting. A. told me today that she wants me to go back to work. AMEN SISTA!

Graduation

A. graduated from kindergarten yesterday. I know it is kinda goofy but I really liked it. They put on a program for the parents and got to wear little hats. All very cute. BUT, of course, that is not why I am posting. I am posting to bitch.

After the graduation there was a picnic at a local park. Because I hate everyone, I stood on the playground watching the children. I was the ONLY parent watching 35 kids. I often am ridiculed for my loud bullhorn voice, so decided, WTF (learned that on General Hospital board), I am not going to reprimand any children except mine. After about 35 minutes it began to resemble Lord of the Flies or a frat house. All the boys had their shirts off and were chasing the girls. The girls were fighting back. It was bedlam. No parents. So, I said (not yelled), "Hey guys. Let's cut that out." No one heard me. Then all of a sudden this BOOMING voice came from behind me. In an instant she was on the jungle gym, fingers in kids faces, pulling people a part. I looked at her in disbelief. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL YEAR? WE COULD TOTALLY BE FRIENDS!! I don't know her name, but I will.

J. would have been so disappointed in me. I stood off to the side and only spoke when spoken to. I was fine with that. I really don't like these people and after a year of self doubt and concern for my child's popularity, I am really okay with it.

Losing It

I think spending the last three weeks with my children and not working has caused me to lose some essential brain cells. Being a referee does not stimulate one intellectually, unless you are thinking about how NOT to kill one of them. Sometimes that whole survival of the fittest thing is necessary.

Anyway, yesterday was A.'s kindergarten graduation (which I will discuss later). It was her day so we did a lot of running around. I needed to get some gas. I pulled in, popped the gas tank, got out my credit card, selected the grade of fuel, inserted the nozzle and walked away. I started cleaning the car out. After a few minutes I went back around, saw that I had filled up, got in the car and drove off. It was within seconds of the gas light illuminating that I realized that I had not filled my car up, rather had merely placed the nozzle in my car and took out the trash. I never inserted my card. So, back I went.

It's the first night of summer so I let the kids stay up watching movies. After they went to bed I started watching my crap shows. Before I truly realize what is happening, it is 2:30 AM and I have been watching Cheaters for an hour. New lows.

As you know, I am quitting smoking. Tomorrow is my first official day. Not looking forward to it, but I know that I gotta. Anyway, I needed to find a replacement activity. I cannot believe that I about to put out there what I have been doing to take my mind of smoking. Are you ready for this? Remember, I am in fragile place with my sanity and am about to break up with the best friend (besides TV) that I have ever had. I have been on the General Hospital message Board. (I think my face is turning red as we speak) Yes, I have been discussing at length with perfect strangers the ins and outs of the goings ons of the residents of Port Charles. I am very sad to say that it is very interesting. Kinda like Star magazine. Where else would I learn about what happened on the View between Rosie and the skinny stupid woman? I have also been educated on computer shorthand. I now know what LOL, LMAO, ITA, IMO, WTF mean. GOD HELP ME!

I gotta go back to work...

Jim Jones

While riding in the car today, C. stated that he was the boss of the little kids.
"I am the leader. They are the followers. They are the followers of me."

Keep the Kool Aid away from this kid.

Wilderness Tips

I made it. I spent the weekend convening with nature. I hate nature. Animals scare me, bugs bite me and the bon fires make me a nervous wreck. We went to the lake where J. keeps his boat. He has had this boat for 6 years. This is the first time I have seen it. It's a decent boat. I didn't get on it. My poor little heart could only take so much. I did almost rip my hamstring as I placed one foot on the boat and one foot on the dock. The boat started moving. I was splitting in half.

J. and the kids and I were separated. It was fine but it would have been better if we had been together. I didn't realize how annoying other people's routines are. Once again, why can't everyone do things the way I do?

By Saturday night I was ready to go home. I was tired and dirty and hadn't pooped in two days. There was a shower but I chose not to use it. I was rank by Sunday. The kids had a great time and I think J. did too. I survived. There were a couple of close calls. Besides the boat moving out from under me I had a harrowing experience with an animal.

I was walking to the dumpster to throw out the incredible amount of garbage, when I spotted something moving. Heart rate increased, slowed my pace. Out of the brush came the LARGEST critter I have ever seen. He must have been 5 ft tall and 100lbs. He stared into my eyes. A chill ran down my spine as I stared back. My eyes told this creature that he would not win. I am going to throw this trash in the appropriate receptacle. I am not a litter bug. Don't push me when I am so close to the edge. I said with my eyes. He turned and went back into the forest. Okay, so it was just a raccoon. But I still stared him down. Okay I didn't stare him down, I stood very still until he scampered off.

C. had a great time squirrel hunting and fishing. He didn't get that you can't just say,"Here fishy, fishy" and the fish come to you. A. did catch a fish. She was so excited!

The discussion at the end of the trip revolved around next year. CRAP!

Bellybuttons and Murder Plots

Saturday night at book club there was an in depth discussion of bellybuttons. Amy is concerned that when she is 82, neither she nor her husband will be able to properly clean her bellybutton. Never thought of that.

I need to get my belly button fixed. Part of the problem with the dress I wore on our anniversary was that it skimmed my protruding belly button. Dee believes that my belly button looks like it has foreskin. I believe my belly button has an overhang to protect it from the elements.

Now, on to the murder plot. Last night I got into bed after J. was asleep. He rolled over and put his hand around my throat. I smacked him and said in a very distressed manner, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!" He smiled, and said, "Just practicing." Rolled over giggling like a school girl.

This morning I confronted him on this odd behavior. He didn't "remember" it. I think he's planning his defense.

Mother's Day Weekend

WHEW! This weekend is finally over. It was great but too busy for a lazy girl like me. J. did a wonderful job for our anniversary. We had a great time. We took some pictures that were just developed and I look pregnant. Not fat, pregnant. These pictures will not see the light of day as most of the photos of me don't. I never take good pictures and outfits that I think are attractive just aren't.

Mother's Day was fine. I was supposed to sleep in, however the children and J had different plans. J. and his goof ball friends stayed up until 2:30AM playing RISK, so he didn't jump out of bed Sunday AM at 5:45 when C. got up. Instead, he rolled out, stumbled downstairs and fell asleep on the couch. It was not the light sleep, it was the full out drooling, snoring, sleep jerk sleep. At various times C. came up for me to play games with him. When I would shoo him downstairs, he would leave and slam the door. At one point the dog got out and J. had to get up.

At about 10:30 everyone finally left. I was awake. The rest of the day was fine except that due to the fact that the kids had two sleepovers they were an absolute nightmare. Screaming, crying, carrying on and J. was asleep on the couch.

Blabber, Blabber, Blabber

On May 17th J. and I will be married for 10 years. I can now collect his Social Security if he divorces me. He may. Some very lovely friends of ours have taken the kids for the night so that J. and I can celebrate our anniversary. I think that I am a very hard person to do something nice for, because I keep asking, "Are you sure?"

Anyhow, as I sit here I think about the past ten years. We've moved a lot and had two kids. It's been good. We are alone in the house right now. He's asleep. Hope the evening gets better. A. has a softball game at 9:00 tomorrow morning. She won't be going due to the fact that I am a sleep whore.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I think that I am one of the few mothers in the world who likes to spend the day WITHOUT her children. Just more proof that I am not a GM. J. really wants me to go to his mother's house on Sunday. I just keep telling him, "She ain't my momma." He's trying to use guilt. You gotta have a conscience in order for guilt to work. All I want for Mother's Day is to be left in peace. I have to finish grading the exams, so I'll probably just take a nap.

The $7.00 Clinical Strength Secret doesn't work. DAMN!! I don't smell as bad but I am still sweaty. Maybe I need to look into Botox. Nothing like having botulism shot into my armpits. At least they would not have those unsightly crow's feet.

My friend Flopsy asked me if I would allow my children to be photographed for her magazine. The story is about cooking with kids. My children will not understand the concept. I don't understand the concept. I asked her if she wanted C. in an AC/DC shirt flashing the devil sign. She thinks I'm kidding. I think maybe I should become a stage mom. At least then all my yelling would have a purpose.

C. has moved on from heavy metal. As we were walking up to school yesterday he began to sing, " Get on down, get on down." which then led to "I ain't no holler back girl". In the middle of the sidewalk, he donkey kicks. I think this boy may end up a wigger instead. Or a drag queen. So, instead of the mullet and the Trans Am, I need to concern myself with the pimped out Honda Civic, with chrome wheels, a gold grill in his mouth and corn rolls basing NWA. OR, stealing A's underwear and lip synching to "I've Never Been To Me". Oh, the possibilities.

Secret Clinical Strength

FINALLY a deodorant strong enough to control my pits! I saw it advertised on late night TV. I'm going out this morning to get it. Hopefully it is not a tub of cement like cream that you rub under your arms and when it dries you are unable to lower your arms. Although I would probably try it anyway.

The countdown begins

I am quitting smoking on May 21st. I went to the MD. He prescribed Chantix. He has an 80% success rate, he doesn't want me to screw that up. He encouraged me to pick a time when I will not be in difficult situations to stop smoking. I replied, " You want me to wait until the kids leave for college (or rehab in C's case)?" He didn't laugh.

Memoirs of a Single Parent

J. is out of town again. He's been gone a lot lately and I am beginning to get used to life as a single parent. The house is a mess, the kids have been eating crap every night for dinner and I am maintaining my sanity by drinking and smoking.

J. left Friday for a bachelor party in Memphis. I had a sleepover for A. The girls stayed up until 11:30 and were up at 6:15. I made it due to a three hour mandatory nap on Saturday. Luckily I had an evening out planned. Sunday the kids and I had to go to church. I had volunteered to set up the volunteer appreciation breakfast after the 9:00 Mass. I had not realized that J. would be out of town. I thought about "forgetting" but decided that since I have done very little this year that I should go.

I got everyone ready to go and by the time I arrived I was sweating and yelling and cursing. All of the GMs that were there were fresh as flowers and smiling at their well-groomed children. We went into the church and C. started with me. As the priest was entering and the singing began, he thought that maybe it was karaoke day at church and started singing Shrek songs at the top of his lungs. We spent the rest of the Mass in the back of the church.

Back in the cafeteria after Mass I chased my children, yelled at my children and sweated. At one point one of the GMs told me that she didn't recognize me at first because I wasn't wearing my baseball cap. She really meant that she had never seen me clean before. Finally the head lady was tired of hearing me yell and sent me home. Thank God.

J. got home Sunday night. They went to the Civil Rights Museum and ate fried chicken on this bachelor party. I guess once you get to a certain age, the appeal of strip clubs is replaced by food and a good night's sleep. I'm glad I'm not the only one getting old.

Well, next Friday J. and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary. We have a lovely night planned so I thought that I would purchase some sexy lingerie for the occasion. I went to Victoria's Secret today. I should not go there. Everything I saw was created for someone besides me. Everything I picked up, I had to stop, picture myself in and then carefully replace on the rack. At one point I probably could have gotten away with this stuff. Now, not so much. Half the stuff I did not even know how to put on. The very gay salesman asked if he could help me. I told him I didn't think so.

I want you to visualize this scene:
It's dark, romantic music playing, glasses of champagne poured, candles lit (must be extinguished before sleep as to not be a fire hazard). I walk into the room, wearing nothing but a bustier and thong. The roll of fat on my stomach SQUEEZED out between the top of the thong and the bottom of the bustier. (I have to hike up the bustier so that it does not put too much pressure on my herniated belly button) I glide across the room, thighs rubbing together. I twirl, to show my love the beauty of me. The moonlight reflects off the mayonnaise white of my ass. I stretch out on the bed and raise my arms above my head and rest upon my chicken flap. I paint a lovely picture. I love J. Can't do that to him. Look much better in my Red Sox t-shirt and boxers.

The Week in Review

This past week has been rather hectic and I have been unable to find time to sit down and vomit all of my experiences until now. I really should be working on my class, but I am unmotivated. It is my last class and I'm teaching about childhood psychiatric diagnoses. I should just bring my children in as Exhibit A and B.

Friday: I had a conference to go to. It was possibly the worst conference I have ever attended. Luckily Consuela wasn't there. I seemed to be the only one there who wanted to have someone pull out my leg hairs one by one rather than listen to this woman. The best part was that the woman presenting was from South Africa and had an accent. Every time she said "decade" it sounded like she was saying "dickhead." It made me giggle. By the end of the conference and she was still droning on, I got up, got my certificate and left. I had a lunch date with someone much more interesting.

Saturday: A. had her first softball game. I hate softball. A. played for a total of 15 minutes of the hour that we were there. It's not that she was benched it was that all the girls only played 15 minutes. A. did manage to catch a ball (with her face) and make a hit. She was in heaven. The things we do for our kids. Luckily I don't know any of the moms, because I was in a bad mood and yelled at somebody's kid for kicking dirt on C. I didn't even use the nice Mommy correcting voice. I used the "WHAT THE HELL" voice that I use with my own kids.

After the game, we took naps. YEAH!! Then J. and I went out to dinner with the Pop-on Mom and her MD husband. It was fine. I watched my language and my storytelling. I tried not to gossip with this incredibly nice woman. I couldn't help it. She just gave me the,"Oh, they are a very nice family" crap. J. shot me the "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE SHUT UP!!!" look.

There was a question about my ability to self censor. I have a little man in my head who often says, "SHHHHHHH! Don't say that. " Sometimes the little man is sleeping or on vacation or drunk. So mostly I self censor after the fact in the form of an apology. That was never more true than the following day.

Sunday: First Communion. A. and I went to a friend of ours son's first communion. It was fine. It was the BBQ afterward. First, C. being the incredibly brilliant child that he is, discovered the pitching machine in their backyard. He HAD to play with it. Fine. Unfortunately he did not know how to play with it. He watched the wiffle balls shoot out of it but was unclear what happened next. So, he stood in front of it and began to get pelted. I stopped him, only to see him later stick his face next in front of the shoot. Not bright, not bright. Then he discovered the nerf rocket launcher. For the rest of the afternoon, he hid behind trees and in the clubhouse trying to pick off kids, one by one. He spent a lot of time in time out.

My friend's nieces, both 18 months old, were at the BBQ. They had come up from Kentucky, so I had never seen them before. They were not attractive children. In fact, I thought maybe there was something wrong with one of them. So, instead of keeping this thought to myself, I asked my friend," Does S. have Down's Syndrome?" My friend fell out of her chair laughing. Recognizing that the child did not have Down's Syndrome, I stated, "Oh, I guess she's just unattractive." That is where the self censoring should have come in, instead there was the apology.

Monday: JURY DUTY!!! I arrived at the courthouse at 8:15. Remind me if I ever am going to trial, NOT to be judged by a jury of my peers. I listened to conversations of my fellow potential jurors and was afraid. The guy sitting next to me attempted to engage me a number of times in conversation. I put my "I smell poop" face on went about my reading. Luckily, he was called and I was not. I sat in the jury holding cell until 3:30. I fell asleep at one point. It was the kind of sleep that you don't realize that you're asleep until your head jerks up and your arm has fallen asleep. I was sitting in the aisle seat, spread out as could be. I awoke because a gentleman was trying to climb over me and tripped. I about kicked him in the nards in my sleep jerk state. It was Jury appreciation week this week. We got some mints. I felt oh, so appreciated.

I now must go get my hair cut and eventually prep for class. I really just want to nap.