I was not allowed to see porn until today. I tried once when I was in graduate school to watch a Playboy soft porn movie. It got stuck in my VCR and I was too embarrassed to take it to the repair shop that I threw it in the dumpster outside my apartment building. (The VCR was 15 years old)
I tried to go to a strip club in college during Mardi Gras. They wouldn't let me in, so I had to sit on the curb in front of the strip club and wait for my friends who had ID's. People say interesting things to you if you are sitting on the curb outside of a strip club.
Today I saw porn. It was truly an accident. I was viewing other blogs, wasting time, when a bog titled "Adult" came up. I knew this was not going to be a funny blog about moms in suburbia. All of sudden BAM--BOOBS! AGHHHH!! My kids are in the next room! I kept clicking on the next blog button to no avail. I could not get the boobs of the screen. Then the computer froze. DAMN IT !!! When I try to see porn, I am denied, when I am just bored BAM! PORN!
Luckily I was able to turn the computer off and start over.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Headbanger's Ball
When I was in high school I made fun of the headbangers with their Judas Priest T-shirts and their dog collars. They had really bad hair and hung out in the park scaring all the kids.
I have a feeling that I may have a headbanger in the family. Where A. used to dance and sing to Bust a Move, C. has love of heavy metal rock n' roll. On the way home today AC/DC's Highway to Hell came on. I was about to change it when a little voice from the back said very calmly, "Turn it up." He then proceeded to bang his head.
Flash forward 13 years: Mullet, ripped sleeveless Ronny Dio T-shirt, dog collar and a black t-top Trans Am. Talk about the highway to hell.
I have a feeling that I may have a headbanger in the family. Where A. used to dance and sing to Bust a Move, C. has love of heavy metal rock n' roll. On the way home today AC/DC's Highway to Hell came on. I was about to change it when a little voice from the back said very calmly, "Turn it up." He then proceeded to bang his head.
Flash forward 13 years: Mullet, ripped sleeveless Ronny Dio T-shirt, dog collar and a black t-top Trans Am. Talk about the highway to hell.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Dog Poop and Underpants and a Moustache
I went to the mall today to buy some unmentionables. I hate to buy new underwear but it is time. I wear cotton. I don't like patterns or lace or fringe. I like white, black and beige cotton. That's it. Well of course the salesgirl tried to show my vinyl and the new fabric that looks like fabric but is really saran wrap. No, ma'am, just cotton, please.
Sales: Are you concerned about pantie lines?
Me: Should I be?
Sales: We have this new seamless, lightweight, blah, blah...
I'm thinking to myself, if it has not seams and is more light weight than regular underwear, aren't we just talking about string? I don't know about you but my current underwear is not particularly heavy or cumbersome. Maybe she thought I wore a chastity belt.
I felt the non-fabric and said again, I really just like cotton.
"Well. How bout a thong?"
I look like a bum, do I really look like I wear a thong? And why is this woman so concerned about my pantie lines?
She finally gets fed up with me. I find my way to the old lady cotton underwear table. I get what I am looking for. SO much for me and my pantie lines.
When I get home I open the door and am immediately SMACKED in the face with the unmistakable smell of crap. DAMN! DAMN! Dukie comes to the door, head down, ears back. He's sorry. Now it's up to me to find it. Luckily I found the first pile next to the back door. It's not poop, it's diarrhea. I immediately start gagging. I don't know if I can do this. I pick up the rug and throw it outside. I think I'm going to puke.
I put my head between my knees and catch my breath. I walk back in the house. The smell is still there. Is it residual or is there more? Just as I step in it I get my answer. It is at this point that I puke. Then Dukie pukes. DAMN!!!! Okay, I only puked a little. I finally clean it all up. I air out the house and spray Lysol EVERYWHERE! I had to make a phone call to Dell (which is the most annoying customer service company there is). After waiting ten minutes for a representative I see Dukie puke on the floor next to me.
I should have known that this was going to be that kind of day when it started out with the Asian woman who was waxing my eyebrows asking me if I wanted her to wax my moustache. I don't have a moustache, at least I've never had one before today.
Sales: Are you concerned about pantie lines?
Me: Should I be?
Sales: We have this new seamless, lightweight, blah, blah...
I'm thinking to myself, if it has not seams and is more light weight than regular underwear, aren't we just talking about string? I don't know about you but my current underwear is not particularly heavy or cumbersome. Maybe she thought I wore a chastity belt.
I felt the non-fabric and said again, I really just like cotton.
"Well. How bout a thong?"
I look like a bum, do I really look like I wear a thong? And why is this woman so concerned about my pantie lines?
She finally gets fed up with me. I find my way to the old lady cotton underwear table. I get what I am looking for. SO much for me and my pantie lines.
When I get home I open the door and am immediately SMACKED in the face with the unmistakable smell of crap. DAMN! DAMN! Dukie comes to the door, head down, ears back. He's sorry. Now it's up to me to find it. Luckily I found the first pile next to the back door. It's not poop, it's diarrhea. I immediately start gagging. I don't know if I can do this. I pick up the rug and throw it outside. I think I'm going to puke.
I put my head between my knees and catch my breath. I walk back in the house. The smell is still there. Is it residual or is there more? Just as I step in it I get my answer. It is at this point that I puke. Then Dukie pukes. DAMN!!!! Okay, I only puked a little. I finally clean it all up. I air out the house and spray Lysol EVERYWHERE! I had to make a phone call to Dell (which is the most annoying customer service company there is). After waiting ten minutes for a representative I see Dukie puke on the floor next to me.
I should have known that this was going to be that kind of day when it started out with the Asian woman who was waxing my eyebrows asking me if I wanted her to wax my moustache. I don't have a moustache, at least I've never had one before today.
Concession
The bumper sticker war is over. I concede defeat. Saturday night J. and I had a long debate about the bumper sticker. I did not remove it. I explained my right to free speech and expression. I explained how he was oppressing me. I argued about how much I hate the gigantic flag hanging outside our house. It turned into the dumbest argument of our marriage. I slept on the couch. We stopped speaking. This morning I took the high road and removed the bumper sticker. He's a worthy opponent.
The Things We Do
I am so glad that this weekend is over. I can FINALLY get a break. It started on Friday. I was running late as usual and just threw on some clothes that I thought would be fine. As I checked myself in the bathroom at work I realized that I looked like a Neapolitan ice cream cone. (Not a great look) THEN, my boss came in and gave me a look because I was not complying with dress code. (It had nothing to do with looking like a dessert) I wasn't sure if she was going to give me a demerit.
Work was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had made plans with my sister-in-law and her kids to go see a children's performer that evening. I think his name is Beelzebub or Ballyhoo or Bumble bee or some such nonsense. The kids had a great time. I wanted to pull my eyeballs out of my head, but we made it.
Then Saturday arrived. It was up and out to collect food for the poor with the Daisies. Yepiee! Nothing like spending my morning to sleep in herding little children and listening to the Queen of GMs tell me all about her wonderful children. (The Queen lost my kid last week on a Daisy excursion while I was on my way to Chicago) Due to the incident of the previous week, the Queen lowered herself to speak with me. She kissed my butt. I have to say that I enjoyed her pain.
After Daisies it was off to softball. I have to hand it to those coaches. I cannot IMAGINE trying to herd all those girls and actually trying to teach them something. Hats off and appreciation to you! I do not know the moms for the softball team. Saturday was my first chance to make a good impression. I already don't like one of them. I think the moms thought I was evil due to the fact that I wouldn't take A. to the bathroom. It was all about natural consequences. I begged her to use the bathroom before we left. She wouldn't. I told her if she had to go while at practice we would have to leave. She had to go. I told her to hold it or we needed to leave. She held it. I had some looks, but I am used to that.
The other problem was A. She is an eager, competitive kid. Two things I don't get. Anyhoo, she was bugging the crap out of me because I could see her bugging the coaches. I pulled her off the field at one point because I couldn't take it. I'm glad she wants to learn and blah, blah, blah but for GOD'S SAKE, quit being a pain in the ass. We had a nice long talk about sportsmanship and being a good team member. Hope it works.
So, Sunday rolls around and we go to a carnival at the university next to our house. I know this is difficult to believe but I HATE CARNIVALS. My OCD tendencies go into overdrive. I can't take the filth. There is also the one eyed man leering at my children and the obese woman screaming at the kids that push me to my breaking point. The kids had fun. At one point C. got stuck in a jungle gym with balls and ropes and tunnels. Of course, I had to go in. I got stuck. I felt like Pooh Bear stuck in the hole. By the time I reached him he was unstuck and having a great time. I , however still had to get out.
Finally I volunteered to help my friend take twelve 8-year old boys to a birthday party at the Laser Tag place. I don't think I need to go into an explanation about what a living hell that was.
But I made it. Next weekend I get to do it all over again.
Work was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had made plans with my sister-in-law and her kids to go see a children's performer that evening. I think his name is Beelzebub or Ballyhoo or Bumble bee or some such nonsense. The kids had a great time. I wanted to pull my eyeballs out of my head, but we made it.
Then Saturday arrived. It was up and out to collect food for the poor with the Daisies. Yepiee! Nothing like spending my morning to sleep in herding little children and listening to the Queen of GMs tell me all about her wonderful children. (The Queen lost my kid last week on a Daisy excursion while I was on my way to Chicago) Due to the incident of the previous week, the Queen lowered herself to speak with me. She kissed my butt. I have to say that I enjoyed her pain.
After Daisies it was off to softball. I have to hand it to those coaches. I cannot IMAGINE trying to herd all those girls and actually trying to teach them something. Hats off and appreciation to you! I do not know the moms for the softball team. Saturday was my first chance to make a good impression. I already don't like one of them. I think the moms thought I was evil due to the fact that I wouldn't take A. to the bathroom. It was all about natural consequences. I begged her to use the bathroom before we left. She wouldn't. I told her if she had to go while at practice we would have to leave. She had to go. I told her to hold it or we needed to leave. She held it. I had some looks, but I am used to that.
The other problem was A. She is an eager, competitive kid. Two things I don't get. Anyhoo, she was bugging the crap out of me because I could see her bugging the coaches. I pulled her off the field at one point because I couldn't take it. I'm glad she wants to learn and blah, blah, blah but for GOD'S SAKE, quit being a pain in the ass. We had a nice long talk about sportsmanship and being a good team member. Hope it works.
So, Sunday rolls around and we go to a carnival at the university next to our house. I know this is difficult to believe but I HATE CARNIVALS. My OCD tendencies go into overdrive. I can't take the filth. There is also the one eyed man leering at my children and the obese woman screaming at the kids that push me to my breaking point. The kids had fun. At one point C. got stuck in a jungle gym with balls and ropes and tunnels. Of course, I had to go in. I got stuck. I felt like Pooh Bear stuck in the hole. By the time I reached him he was unstuck and having a great time. I , however still had to get out.
Finally I volunteered to help my friend take twelve 8-year old boys to a birthday party at the Laser Tag place. I don't think I need to go into an explanation about what a living hell that was.
But I made it. Next weekend I get to do it all over again.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A Boy and His Dog
Walking home from school today C. and I had an interesting conversation.
C: I was like Dukie today.
Me: Oh, how's that?
C: I peed in the bushes.
Me: What?
C: At school, I peed in the bushes. Dukie pees in the bushes and I want to be like Dukie.
Me: Did anyone see you?
C: All the boys. I showed them how to do that.
Me: (speechless)
C: Now me and Dukie can pee together.
Me: (speechless)
Dukie also eats his own vomit, raids the trash can and drinks out of the toilet. I hope peeing outside is the only thing C. emulates.
C: I was like Dukie today.
Me: Oh, how's that?
C: I peed in the bushes.
Me: What?
C: At school, I peed in the bushes. Dukie pees in the bushes and I want to be like Dukie.
Me: Did anyone see you?
C: All the boys. I showed them how to do that.
Me: (speechless)
C: Now me and Dukie can pee together.
Me: (speechless)
Dukie also eats his own vomit, raids the trash can and drinks out of the toilet. I hope peeing outside is the only thing C. emulates.
Chicago and the Bumper Sticker War
My trip to Chicago was great. I ate a lot, drank a lot, smoked a lot and shopped a lot. My perfect weekend. The whole weekend was mostly without incident. Friday night I met up with my friend for drinks at about 10:00pm. I thought we had registered at the same hotel. We did not. There are five Marriots in the town of Oak Brook, IL. Her hotel was five minutes from mine. I left about 1:30am to go back to my hotel. No problem, five minutes away. WELL, all of you who know me know that I can get lost in my own neighborhood, so expecting that I could get back to my hotel in the middle of the night could be unrealistic. And it was. My friend asked me to call when I got back.
I got in the car, feeling confident. It quickly disappeared as I passed my first Chop Suey place, then the pawn shop, then the next Chop Suey place. I might be lost. After 25 minutes my friend Cheryl called. I told her I was lost. She started laughing. She went down to the front desk, where she asked the non -English speaking personnel to help me.
I was not drunk, however I had enough to go to jail if I got pulled over. This gentleman had me flipping U-Turns. I, at one point, drove past the same Roller Rink three times, before he understood where I was. It then turned into a "Who's on First" skit. He would tell me, "Get in the left lane." I would repeat back to him,"The left lane?" He would say, "Right." I would say,"The right lane?" Finally I got him to say "Correct". After about a half an hour, I was back at my hotel. So, my five minute trip took an hour. I got into the room to find my traveling companion fast asleep, oblivious to the fact that I had been missing in a strange city in the middle of the night.
The rest of the trip was rather uneventful. We got hit on by truckers at the truckers' convention at our hotel, I couldn't poop for four days and Rachel had a panic attack on the subway. Nothing too blog worthy.
Once I got home and got back into life I received a bumper sticker in the mail. This is the second bumper sticker I ordered from MoveOn.org. The first one was thrown away by J. He decided that we are NOT bumper sticker people. Well, I decided that I am. So, I got it in the mail yesterday, while J. was at work and put it on my car. I like it.
Well, this morning about three minutes after J. left for work I get a phone call.
"Hey, I think one of the college kids hit your car." J says.
"WHAT!!!" I panic.
"No, I mean it looks like one of the kids put a bumper sticker on your car. I looked at all the other cars around and it doesn't look like they did it to anyone else's car." (I am sure you have heard of the GREAT BUMPER STICKER VANDALISM RING)
"I put it on."
Silence.
"Will it come off?" his voice changes.
"I guess, if I take it off." I say.
"SHANNON, we are NOT bumper sticker people."
"We'll see." I hang up.
I don't really care about bumper stickers. BUT, now I do. I think I AM a bumper sticker person and I might be a political sign in the front yard person if he doesn't watch it.
I got in the car, feeling confident. It quickly disappeared as I passed my first Chop Suey place, then the pawn shop, then the next Chop Suey place. I might be lost. After 25 minutes my friend Cheryl called. I told her I was lost. She started laughing. She went down to the front desk, where she asked the non -English speaking personnel to help me.
I was not drunk, however I had enough to go to jail if I got pulled over. This gentleman had me flipping U-Turns. I, at one point, drove past the same Roller Rink three times, before he understood where I was. It then turned into a "Who's on First" skit. He would tell me, "Get in the left lane." I would repeat back to him,"The left lane?" He would say, "Right." I would say,"The right lane?" Finally I got him to say "Correct". After about a half an hour, I was back at my hotel. So, my five minute trip took an hour. I got into the room to find my traveling companion fast asleep, oblivious to the fact that I had been missing in a strange city in the middle of the night.
The rest of the trip was rather uneventful. We got hit on by truckers at the truckers' convention at our hotel, I couldn't poop for four days and Rachel had a panic attack on the subway. Nothing too blog worthy.
Once I got home and got back into life I received a bumper sticker in the mail. This is the second bumper sticker I ordered from MoveOn.org. The first one was thrown away by J. He decided that we are NOT bumper sticker people. Well, I decided that I am. So, I got it in the mail yesterday, while J. was at work and put it on my car. I like it.
Well, this morning about three minutes after J. left for work I get a phone call.
"Hey, I think one of the college kids hit your car." J says.
"WHAT!!!" I panic.
"No, I mean it looks like one of the kids put a bumper sticker on your car. I looked at all the other cars around and it doesn't look like they did it to anyone else's car." (I am sure you have heard of the GREAT BUMPER STICKER VANDALISM RING)
"I put it on."
Silence.
"Will it come off?" his voice changes.
"I guess, if I take it off." I say.
"SHANNON, we are NOT bumper sticker people."
"We'll see." I hang up.
I don't really care about bumper stickers. BUT, now I do. I think I AM a bumper sticker person and I might be a political sign in the front yard person if he doesn't watch it.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
A new low
I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow for a weekend of resting, relaxing and shopping. I am driving, so of course I need good music, Diet Coke and cigarettes. Lots of cigarettes. I also need gas in the car.
I do not stop at a local gas station because I know what I am about to do. I fill up and go inside. I buy a carton of cigarettes. (My kids are in the car) I walk out. Carton of cigarettes BIG as day. There parked at the pump next to me is one of the moms from C.'s school. She's the mom that knows everyone, organizes everything and has special relationships with the teachers. I tried to hide the carton under my sweater. She'll never notice the rectangle shape coming out of my stomach. Think quickly, think quickly. I turn on my heels and head back in to the store to get a bag. She's right behind me. I'm busted.
I swallow my pride and smile pretty. Ask about her new baby and say that I gotta run, kids in the car, ya know. There holding a carton of cigarettes, wishing I had a 40oz of Old English to wash it down.
I do not stop at a local gas station because I know what I am about to do. I fill up and go inside. I buy a carton of cigarettes. (My kids are in the car) I walk out. Carton of cigarettes BIG as day. There parked at the pump next to me is one of the moms from C.'s school. She's the mom that knows everyone, organizes everything and has special relationships with the teachers. I tried to hide the carton under my sweater. She'll never notice the rectangle shape coming out of my stomach. Think quickly, think quickly. I turn on my heels and head back in to the store to get a bag. She's right behind me. I'm busted.
I swallow my pride and smile pretty. Ask about her new baby and say that I gotta run, kids in the car, ya know. There holding a carton of cigarettes, wishing I had a 40oz of Old English to wash it down.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Easter, Jesus and Infidelity
First I must say that I am glad Easter is over. I learned a lot about my children this weekend. We were supposed to go to an Easter Egg hunt on Saturday. It was friggin cold. I did not want to go. However, I was overruled. We bundled up and headed out. While there, C. announced to me he did not care about the Easter Bunny or the egg hunt, he wanted to go home. (That's my kid) A., on the other hand is cut from her father's cloth. She insisted that we stay. J. insisted that we stay. They do not care about being uncomfortable. They want to experience the events. C. and I could give a shit about experiences, we want to be warm.
After the egg hunt, A. and I raced home to change and eat in order to make it to softball practice. Please be cancelled, please be cancelled, please be cancelled, I chanted to myself. When we arrived we learned that the very wise adults involved heard my prayers and cancelled practice. (Thanks again) A., however was devastated. She's insane. It was cold and I did not want to be standing in a field for two hours watching little girls pick daisies and hug each other instead of practicing. I called J. to tell him that we were on our way home. He could not fathom why the practice would be cancelled. I explained. He still couldn't get it. J. took A. out to play when we got home. C. and I sat on the couch and watched TV.
Apparently while A. and I were fighting the cold, C. and J. went out to lunch with some family. At this point C. announced to everyone that he is Jesus Christ. So you know that makes me the Blessed Virgin. Been thought of as a lot of things, Blessed Virgin, not one of them. Well, we watched Jesus Christ Superstar in lieu of going to the Stations of the Cross on Friday. I decided that I should introduce the beauty of a rock opera early. So the rest of the weekend A. was singing, "I don't want your blood money.." while C. declared his delusions of grandeur.
On Sunday morning J. decided that everyone needed to hurry up and get ready to go to church. WE JUST WATCHED JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR!! DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!!! I felt like a 6 year old, begging my father to let me stay home. No go. He guilted me into getting ready. We were late. We couldn't even get in the door. I WIN! I WIN!
The rest of the holiday was fine. Kids hopped up on sugar, adults tired from early morning egg hunts. Now I am sure you are wondering where the infidelity comes in.
Well, Monday I went to work. I am tired and crabby. My friggin car is STILL in the shop and I am driving a rental, which is better than having J. drive me to work. Anyhoo, I barely get in the door (no coffee yet) and my client is already there. DAMN!!! I bring her back and of course we start talking about her sex life, AGAIN!! Did I mention I have not had coffee? Deep breath.
Client: You know when you have sex with a condom on and you check the condom afterwards?
Me: No. (squirming in my chair, not sure if I might choke on vomit)
Client: Well, if you think your man is cheating on you, you make him wear a condom so that after sex you can check to see how much spew is in it. If there is a lot that means that he has not had sex in awhile, if there is hardly any than you just busted him.
(Learn something new everyday. I only mention this so that all you ladies out there have a sure fire way of checking up on your husbands. Now that does mean you actually have to have sex...) I was speechless. It is too early on a Monday AM for this. Luckily she went on to tell me the rest of her weekend antics. I have met her boyfriend. He's not cheating. He's barely breathing.
The rest of the day was filled with people living lives that I don't get. I came home and crashed on the couch and said a prayer, Hail Shannon, full of grace.... (going to hell, I know)
After the egg hunt, A. and I raced home to change and eat in order to make it to softball practice. Please be cancelled, please be cancelled, please be cancelled, I chanted to myself. When we arrived we learned that the very wise adults involved heard my prayers and cancelled practice. (Thanks again) A., however was devastated. She's insane. It was cold and I did not want to be standing in a field for two hours watching little girls pick daisies and hug each other instead of practicing. I called J. to tell him that we were on our way home. He could not fathom why the practice would be cancelled. I explained. He still couldn't get it. J. took A. out to play when we got home. C. and I sat on the couch and watched TV.
Apparently while A. and I were fighting the cold, C. and J. went out to lunch with some family. At this point C. announced to everyone that he is Jesus Christ. So you know that makes me the Blessed Virgin. Been thought of as a lot of things, Blessed Virgin, not one of them. Well, we watched Jesus Christ Superstar in lieu of going to the Stations of the Cross on Friday. I decided that I should introduce the beauty of a rock opera early. So the rest of the weekend A. was singing, "I don't want your blood money.." while C. declared his delusions of grandeur.
On Sunday morning J. decided that everyone needed to hurry up and get ready to go to church. WE JUST WATCHED JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR!! DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!!! I felt like a 6 year old, begging my father to let me stay home. No go. He guilted me into getting ready. We were late. We couldn't even get in the door. I WIN! I WIN!
The rest of the holiday was fine. Kids hopped up on sugar, adults tired from early morning egg hunts. Now I am sure you are wondering where the infidelity comes in.
Well, Monday I went to work. I am tired and crabby. My friggin car is STILL in the shop and I am driving a rental, which is better than having J. drive me to work. Anyhoo, I barely get in the door (no coffee yet) and my client is already there. DAMN!!! I bring her back and of course we start talking about her sex life, AGAIN!! Did I mention I have not had coffee? Deep breath.
Client: You know when you have sex with a condom on and you check the condom afterwards?
Me: No. (squirming in my chair, not sure if I might choke on vomit)
Client: Well, if you think your man is cheating on you, you make him wear a condom so that after sex you can check to see how much spew is in it. If there is a lot that means that he has not had sex in awhile, if there is hardly any than you just busted him.
(Learn something new everyday. I only mention this so that all you ladies out there have a sure fire way of checking up on your husbands. Now that does mean you actually have to have sex...) I was speechless. It is too early on a Monday AM for this. Luckily she went on to tell me the rest of her weekend antics. I have met her boyfriend. He's not cheating. He's barely breathing.
The rest of the day was filled with people living lives that I don't get. I came home and crashed on the couch and said a prayer, Hail Shannon, full of grace.... (going to hell, I know)
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Random Thoughts
Random Thought #1
Yesterday before the giant storms I was riding in J's car (mine is finally getting fixed at the tune of $1000.00) with the windows down and the music loud. Often when I am in my car I believe that I am invisible. Kinda the opposite of Wonder Woman. Anyhoo, I pull up to the stoplight and hear some laughing. There are two teenage girls in a car next to me looking at me and giggling. I think to myself, why are they laughing at me? I look in the mirror, no boogs, hair is fine, clothes are fine. I was on my way to work, so I was conservatively dressed. I had my grown up clothes on. It was then that I realized what they were laughing about (I think). On my radio, playing rather loudly was none other than Sir Mix a Lot. So, here I am a 35 year old white woman in pearls, driving a sedan listening to:
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE...."
(I'd need my sister in law's assistance to finish the song)
Random thought #2:
Had a program meeting at school today. Did not bring my "A" game. I stumbled and bumbled my way through the presentation. I think I said,"ummmkay" about 50 times. And I had the biggest gas bubble in my stomach that all I could think about was not farting.
Random thought #3:
Bought 2 CDs yesterday. ELO and Erasure. Odd mix. I guess I never made it past the E's in the record selection. Erasure brought back memories of my first real life experience with drag queens and gay men. (Indigo Girls introduced me to lesbians) I went to the concert with my friend Elizabeth when we were 17. I think we were both in awe.
Random thought #4: Had a play date for C. today with a little boy from school. He wasn't potty trained and pooped his pants. I thought about changing him, but decided to call his nanny to pick him up instead. I can't stand my kid's poop let alone some random kid. C. also hit this kid in the head with the same damn Bob the Builder helmet. I asked him why. He said that he wanted to be a champion. " A champion of what?" " Champion of head hitters." What else?
Random thought #5: Have had it with sickly sweet sales people and obsequious hair salon owners. I want to punch them. I know that I am not THAT funny....
Random thought #6: I hate dieting. I'm having pizza tonight....
Random thought #7: A. starts softball tomorrow and I got a whole new group of Moms to deal with. I hope I can keep it together.
Yesterday before the giant storms I was riding in J's car (mine is finally getting fixed at the tune of $1000.00) with the windows down and the music loud. Often when I am in my car I believe that I am invisible. Kinda the opposite of Wonder Woman. Anyhoo, I pull up to the stoplight and hear some laughing. There are two teenage girls in a car next to me looking at me and giggling. I think to myself, why are they laughing at me? I look in the mirror, no boogs, hair is fine, clothes are fine. I was on my way to work, so I was conservatively dressed. I had my grown up clothes on. It was then that I realized what they were laughing about (I think). On my radio, playing rather loudly was none other than Sir Mix a Lot. So, here I am a 35 year old white woman in pearls, driving a sedan listening to:
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE...."
(I'd need my sister in law's assistance to finish the song)
Random thought #2:
Had a program meeting at school today. Did not bring my "A" game. I stumbled and bumbled my way through the presentation. I think I said,"ummmkay" about 50 times. And I had the biggest gas bubble in my stomach that all I could think about was not farting.
Random thought #3:
Bought 2 CDs yesterday. ELO and Erasure. Odd mix. I guess I never made it past the E's in the record selection. Erasure brought back memories of my first real life experience with drag queens and gay men. (Indigo Girls introduced me to lesbians) I went to the concert with my friend Elizabeth when we were 17. I think we were both in awe.
Random thought #4: Had a play date for C. today with a little boy from school. He wasn't potty trained and pooped his pants. I thought about changing him, but decided to call his nanny to pick him up instead. I can't stand my kid's poop let alone some random kid. C. also hit this kid in the head with the same damn Bob the Builder helmet. I asked him why. He said that he wanted to be a champion. " A champion of what?" " Champion of head hitters." What else?
Random thought #5: Have had it with sickly sweet sales people and obsequious hair salon owners. I want to punch them. I know that I am not THAT funny....
Random thought #6: I hate dieting. I'm having pizza tonight....
Random thought #7: A. starts softball tomorrow and I got a whole new group of Moms to deal with. I hope I can keep it together.
Monday, April 02, 2007
What a strange day it's been
Today was odd. Not bad, just odd. My first client this morning is convinced that the Zodiac killer is her neighbor. She called America's Most Wanted because she felt like she had a duty to turn this guy in to the authorities. She spent $50 faxing all of the incriminating evidence from Kinko's. We talked about it for an hour. She's off her meds.
I also had couples' counseling with an 80 year old man and his 50 year old wife. Odd. Then, my last appointment was with a couple my mom's age. They were having sexual problems. I had to give sex advice. That in itself is crazy and uncomfortable.
I get home and the kids are going nuts. They are fighting. They are taking all of their clothes off. They are running around. I send them to bed. C. starts shrieking about needing a drink. I bring him some water. He throws it at me. Apparently he does not want it. I take it away and calmly go downstairs. He starts yelling at the top of his lungs,"I NEED A DRINK!!" Which of course is exactly what I am thinking. Anyhoo, suddenly things get really quiet. Silly me thinks maybe he has fallen asleep. A. comes running down stairs, grinning from ear to ear.
"Mom, C. is pouring water all over the floor." I go upstairs and it is true. C. has filled his Bob the Builder helmet with water and thrown it all over the floor and walls. Surprisingly I am calm. I think I have dissociated. I grab his Thomas the Tank Engine bag and start throwing all of his trains in the bag. I calmly let him know that I am taking his trains.
He FLIPS OUT!! He starts screaming at me,"YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD!! I AM GOING TO POOP AND PEE ON YOU!!! I AM CALLING THE POLICE ON YOU AND THEY WILL TAKE YOU TO JAIL!!" Please take me.
Dukie is also acting oddly. He is an old dog and is probably going blind. I would think he was deaf but he still hears when I open the dog drawer. He has been barking and cowering from me. I called the vet. He thinks Dukie has Doggy Alzheimer's. Just what I need, a dog who is senile. I only hope he doesn't take his clothes off and start trying to break into the neighbor's house.
Where is that drink....
I also had couples' counseling with an 80 year old man and his 50 year old wife. Odd. Then, my last appointment was with a couple my mom's age. They were having sexual problems. I had to give sex advice. That in itself is crazy and uncomfortable.
I get home and the kids are going nuts. They are fighting. They are taking all of their clothes off. They are running around. I send them to bed. C. starts shrieking about needing a drink. I bring him some water. He throws it at me. Apparently he does not want it. I take it away and calmly go downstairs. He starts yelling at the top of his lungs,"I NEED A DRINK!!" Which of course is exactly what I am thinking. Anyhoo, suddenly things get really quiet. Silly me thinks maybe he has fallen asleep. A. comes running down stairs, grinning from ear to ear.
"Mom, C. is pouring water all over the floor." I go upstairs and it is true. C. has filled his Bob the Builder helmet with water and thrown it all over the floor and walls. Surprisingly I am calm. I think I have dissociated. I grab his Thomas the Tank Engine bag and start throwing all of his trains in the bag. I calmly let him know that I am taking his trains.
He FLIPS OUT!! He starts screaming at me,"YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD!! I AM GOING TO POOP AND PEE ON YOU!!! I AM CALLING THE POLICE ON YOU AND THEY WILL TAKE YOU TO JAIL!!" Please take me.
Dukie is also acting oddly. He is an old dog and is probably going blind. I would think he was deaf but he still hears when I open the dog drawer. He has been barking and cowering from me. I called the vet. He thinks Dukie has Doggy Alzheimer's. Just what I need, a dog who is senile. I only hope he doesn't take his clothes off and start trying to break into the neighbor's house.
Where is that drink....
Sunday, April 01, 2007
My kids are weird
I know this. I am fine with it for the most part. A. wanted to be a boy and for us to call her all kinds of boy names. She even got mad if a stranger said,"What a nice little girl you are."
She would respond," I AM A BOY!" I didn't rush her into therapy, I did however contact PFLAG and ask how young you had to be to join. A. also thought she was a mermaid and all kinds of crazy crap. I never stopped her. I never made her wear dresses or cutesy clothes. I left it alone. Oh, I bitched about what a weirdo she was don't get me wrong, but I was a good social worker and let her work it out.
C. is now being a freak. However, I have to intercede. I didn't say anything when he started bringing the Hello Kitty suitcase to school. I did not say anything when he wanted to wear his clothes backwards and would only respond to Thomas the Tank Engine. I have found that I now have to draw the line. C. came down the stairs today with no pants or underwear on. He was smiling from ear to ear. (I was so afraid)
"Mom, I'm Scrappy Doo."
"Okay. Where are your pants?"
"Scrappy Doo doesn't have pants."
She would respond," I AM A BOY!" I didn't rush her into therapy, I did however contact PFLAG and ask how young you had to be to join. A. also thought she was a mermaid and all kinds of crazy crap. I never stopped her. I never made her wear dresses or cutesy clothes. I left it alone. Oh, I bitched about what a weirdo she was don't get me wrong, but I was a good social worker and let her work it out.
C. is now being a freak. However, I have to intercede. I didn't say anything when he started bringing the Hello Kitty suitcase to school. I did not say anything when he wanted to wear his clothes backwards and would only respond to Thomas the Tank Engine. I have found that I now have to draw the line. C. came down the stairs today with no pants or underwear on. He was smiling from ear to ear. (I was so afraid)
"Mom, I'm Scrappy Doo."
"Okay. Where are your pants?"
"Scrappy Doo doesn't have pants."
I blew it
I had lost five pounds in a week and a half by simply cutting out the crap in my diet. Okay it was not simple. Anyhoo, I put it back on in two days. How is that fair? I was doing SOOO well. I passed on all kinds of temptations. There was a weeks' worth of Cherry Pies in the vending machine. I ate carrots. J. wasn't home so we could have eaten out all week. I ate yogurt. And then it happened....
STEAK N SHAKE!!!! We went for a family lunch after going to the Science Center. I realize I could have gotten something a little healthier, however I did not have a coupon for a salad. Only for steakburgers and cheese fries and chocolate shakes.
I could have rebounded. Everyone slips. Then we had Dewey's pizza. Again, coulda gotten the salad. Got the pizza. Sunday is a good day to repent. It's the Lord's Day. Did okay until we got to the middle of the day and we went to Spicer's. They have Cadbury Creme Eggs. Like Kripsy Kreme, Cherry Pies and Cotton Candy, I will eat Cadbury eggs until I throw up. I bought four. I have none left. Well, hell that day is shot might as well bring it on home with Sonic and cheese tater tots. UGH!!!! I gotta start again tomorrow. But for tonight I will drink, drink and be fat!
STEAK N SHAKE!!!! We went for a family lunch after going to the Science Center. I realize I could have gotten something a little healthier, however I did not have a coupon for a salad. Only for steakburgers and cheese fries and chocolate shakes.
I could have rebounded. Everyone slips. Then we had Dewey's pizza. Again, coulda gotten the salad. Got the pizza. Sunday is a good day to repent. It's the Lord's Day. Did okay until we got to the middle of the day and we went to Spicer's. They have Cadbury Creme Eggs. Like Kripsy Kreme, Cherry Pies and Cotton Candy, I will eat Cadbury eggs until I throw up. I bought four. I have none left. Well, hell that day is shot might as well bring it on home with Sonic and cheese tater tots. UGH!!!! I gotta start again tomorrow. But for tonight I will drink, drink and be fat!
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