C. is having issues with wiping his butt after he poops. He is afraid of clogging the toilet so he usually requests help with this endeavor. I refuse to wipe his butt. He's almost five. At some point there are things that no one else can do for you. You gotta figure it out on your own.
This morning we went through our pooping ritual. "MOM!!! I NEED HELP WIPING MY BUM!!"
"You can do it C."
"I CAN"T SEE MY BUM."
"You don't need to see you bum, just take the toilet paper and wipe til there is no more poop."
He thinks about it. He toddles out into the main room with his pants around his ankles, bends over and spreads his butt cheeks.
"IS THERE ANYMORE POOP?"
At this point I freak. "GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM!!!!"
He toddles back into the bathroom.
"Sebastian checked my bum for me on Saturday why won't you?" he questions.
"HE WHAT?????" I shriek.
"I pooped on Saturday and he checked my bum for poop."
That's a good friend...
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Rotten Egg
A. had a really bad day at school yesterday. She is having problems with those girls again. She was in tears as she described how Ellie told her that she smelt like a rotten egg and Ellie's little toadie chanted it to her.
THAT IS IT!! IT IS ON!! I finally took A. under my wing and taught her my secret....the stink eye. What else could I do, teach her how to punch the little bitches in the throat? That will come soon enough. Then they is in a WHOLE HEEP A TROUBLE!!!
THAT IS IT!! IT IS ON!! I finally took A. under my wing and taught her my secret....the stink eye. What else could I do, teach her how to punch the little bitches in the throat? That will come soon enough. Then they is in a WHOLE HEEP A TROUBLE!!!
The Great Escape
So, I go to pick up C. from school yesterday. He's COVERED in mud. I foolishly ask the question, "How was his day?"
"Well, luckily for us C. found a giant hole under the fence. It is really good that he found it because I didn't know it was there. I have called maintenance to fix it. So don't be too mad at him." the Director states.
"Well, what happened?" I ask tentatively, not sure I want to know the answer.
"Well, I am not sure, but the teacher looked up and saw that he was on the other side of the fence."
"He didn't take anyone with him did he?"
"No, not yet."
He is sitting in the back seat with his head down.
" I think it shows that he is smart and creative." the director pleads.
I think it shows that he is preparing for his first prison break.
"Well, luckily for us C. found a giant hole under the fence. It is really good that he found it because I didn't know it was there. I have called maintenance to fix it. So don't be too mad at him." the Director states.
"Well, what happened?" I ask tentatively, not sure I want to know the answer.
"Well, I am not sure, but the teacher looked up and saw that he was on the other side of the fence."
"He didn't take anyone with him did he?"
"No, not yet."
He is sitting in the back seat with his head down.
" I think it shows that he is smart and creative." the director pleads.
I think it shows that he is preparing for his first prison break.
Monday, April 07, 2008
No Trespassing
I really do not like my neighbor. She is epitome of what I hate in "nice" people. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to talk to you over the fence. I don't want to trade babysitter names. I want you to live in your house and I will call the police if someone tries to break in or the place catches on fire. I would appreciate it if you did the same. The foreigners on the one side get it, the southern belle....not so much.
Well, since we have had a long and cold winter I have been able to avoid the neighborhood Chatty McMcChatterson for about nine months. I got spoiled. Now that the weather is better, she sits in wait to pounce on me. In the past two days I have been forced into two lengthy discussions with her. I AM NOT INTERESTED!! I have to start looking out the window to make sure she's not there so that I can sprint to the car. My kids are slow movers so this is no easy task. I unlock the door and get the car running before I even open the front door. I run down the stairs, swoop open the car door for the kids and hope they get in before I take off. I may leave C. one day.
So, Ms Chatty Can't Take a Hint or Recognize Obvious Social Cues McChatterson has pushed me to my limit this weekend. She lured my kids out of my yard to come play with her son. J. was supposed to watching them but was on the computer and had no idea they were missing until I came down like a Shrieking Banshee. I was that mother, standing on the porch SCREAMING at the top of my lungs....GIT IN HERE KIDS!! NOW!!!! Well, she had to come over and apologize for not making them tell someone. I had to smile the "oh, it's okay but it's really not" smile. That whole interchange took about two years.
I come home from work today. I see her. I get the cell phone out and start talking on it...to no one. I wave and keep walking. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. A few minutes later the dog starts barking his head off. I walk to the front door, thinking it is just the construction guys next door and see that half the neighborhood is congregating on my front steps. I got kids climbing in my front yard and through my ivy. I AM HOT!! I stick my head out the door and remind them that they are on my property and they are were not invited. In fact I don't even know half of you people. I think they heard the click of the shotgun. They scatter. No really, I told them to watch their kids in the ivy because there may be poison ivy.
KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA
A. just fell off her bike and fell in the street. Her father, who was taking her for a bike ride is nowhere to be found. Ms. Chatty rescues my child and brings her to the door. I suck.
Well, since we have had a long and cold winter I have been able to avoid the neighborhood Chatty McMcChatterson for about nine months. I got spoiled. Now that the weather is better, she sits in wait to pounce on me. In the past two days I have been forced into two lengthy discussions with her. I AM NOT INTERESTED!! I have to start looking out the window to make sure she's not there so that I can sprint to the car. My kids are slow movers so this is no easy task. I unlock the door and get the car running before I even open the front door. I run down the stairs, swoop open the car door for the kids and hope they get in before I take off. I may leave C. one day.
So, Ms Chatty Can't Take a Hint or Recognize Obvious Social Cues McChatterson has pushed me to my limit this weekend. She lured my kids out of my yard to come play with her son. J. was supposed to watching them but was on the computer and had no idea they were missing until I came down like a Shrieking Banshee. I was that mother, standing on the porch SCREAMING at the top of my lungs....GIT IN HERE KIDS!! NOW!!!! Well, she had to come over and apologize for not making them tell someone. I had to smile the "oh, it's okay but it's really not" smile. That whole interchange took about two years.
I come home from work today. I see her. I get the cell phone out and start talking on it...to no one. I wave and keep walking. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. A few minutes later the dog starts barking his head off. I walk to the front door, thinking it is just the construction guys next door and see that half the neighborhood is congregating on my front steps. I got kids climbing in my front yard and through my ivy. I AM HOT!! I stick my head out the door and remind them that they are on my property and they are were not invited. In fact I don't even know half of you people. I think they heard the click of the shotgun. They scatter. No really, I told them to watch their kids in the ivy because there may be poison ivy.
KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA ALERT KARMA
A. just fell off her bike and fell in the street. Her father, who was taking her for a bike ride is nowhere to be found. Ms. Chatty rescues my child and brings her to the door. I suck.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Are you going to kill me?
I took C. to get his cast remolded yesterday. The nurse took out the saw to cut it off the old cast. C. very calmly asked him, "Are you going to kill me with that?"
I don't want to kill my children BUT....
Holy crap my kids are from hell!! I recognize that I have been under a lot of stress lately but they are pure evil.
I started my last two classes last week and ended up working six days. I am not trying to sound like a martyr, I am acknowledging that I am a dumb ass and didn't take a day off because I screwed around so much. Consequences or something like that. Anyhoo, I have been doing a lot of catch up and am completely slammed. I have even developed an eye twitch.
So I have a twelve hour day yesterday (and gave blood, which is a different story and am adding for dramatic martyr effect at this point), J. is out of town and come rolling in at 10:00 PM. I am tired and crabby. I just want to go to bed. I climb upstairs and find two children asleep in my bed. I am too tired to fight. I go in A's room but can't find room to sleep because of the colonies of stuffed animals that are inhabiting her bed. I go into C's room and flop on the bed. Oddly enough rubber sheets make for a warm and crinkly sleeping experience.
At 6:45AM, A. starts. She is allowed to wear shorts again to school. It doesn't matter to her that it is 4 degrees outside. I haven't even opened my eyes for the day and am covered in rubber sheet sweat and she is already crying and slamming her door. I hear her, "IT IS NOT FAIR!! MY MOM IS SO MEAN!!!" Lord, keep me from going in there and showing her mean. I roll over (crinkle crinkle) and hope to get ten more minutes of sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
C. is awake and on the warpath. "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!!! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!" I slide out of bed and find him sprawled on the hallway floor, pj pants around his ankles, shirt stuck on his head, cast (which costs a million dollars) BANGING on the wall. OH MY HOLY JESUS!!!
I can't even respond to him. I step over his body and head downstairs. C. finally comes down stairs. He is having a difficult time keeping his pants up. Not good. I go to help him put on his boot and notice that in the lining of his pants are about two pounds of hot wheels cars. I look at the clock, only one hour til school. Today is my day off and I AM NOT SPENDING IT WITH HIM!!! We continue to argue throughout the AM. He has no toys left, no video games, no books. I think I may have even taken away Christmas and his birthday for the next three years.
I take him to school and barely slow down as I eject him from the car. FREEDOM!! I enjoy my day of quiet but it ends so quickly. I pick C. up and he informs me that he is not going to do anything I tell him today. IT IS ON!!!!
A. gets home and accidentally knocks over a flower vase. She goes nuts when I suggest that she did that and needs to help clean it up. Crying, wailing, sobbing, I DIDN"T DO IT!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I walk around the corner to find my son emptying the whole sandbox out of his pockets on to the floor. I hear voices that tell me to run, run like the wind. I would have listened however, just as I was going for the door, I sharted. Yes, my friends, it happened again. What the HELL is the matter with me? Anyways, you can't runaway if you have poop swipes in your drawers.
SO, I am resigned. We are all going to bed by 7:00.
I started my last two classes last week and ended up working six days. I am not trying to sound like a martyr, I am acknowledging that I am a dumb ass and didn't take a day off because I screwed around so much. Consequences or something like that. Anyhoo, I have been doing a lot of catch up and am completely slammed. I have even developed an eye twitch.
So I have a twelve hour day yesterday (and gave blood, which is a different story and am adding for dramatic martyr effect at this point), J. is out of town and come rolling in at 10:00 PM. I am tired and crabby. I just want to go to bed. I climb upstairs and find two children asleep in my bed. I am too tired to fight. I go in A's room but can't find room to sleep because of the colonies of stuffed animals that are inhabiting her bed. I go into C's room and flop on the bed. Oddly enough rubber sheets make for a warm and crinkly sleeping experience.
At 6:45AM, A. starts. She is allowed to wear shorts again to school. It doesn't matter to her that it is 4 degrees outside. I haven't even opened my eyes for the day and am covered in rubber sheet sweat and she is already crying and slamming her door. I hear her, "IT IS NOT FAIR!! MY MOM IS SO MEAN!!!" Lord, keep me from going in there and showing her mean. I roll over (crinkle crinkle) and hope to get ten more minutes of sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
C. is awake and on the warpath. "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!!! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY! I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY!" I slide out of bed and find him sprawled on the hallway floor, pj pants around his ankles, shirt stuck on his head, cast (which costs a million dollars) BANGING on the wall. OH MY HOLY JESUS!!!
I can't even respond to him. I step over his body and head downstairs. C. finally comes down stairs. He is having a difficult time keeping his pants up. Not good. I go to help him put on his boot and notice that in the lining of his pants are about two pounds of hot wheels cars. I look at the clock, only one hour til school. Today is my day off and I AM NOT SPENDING IT WITH HIM!!! We continue to argue throughout the AM. He has no toys left, no video games, no books. I think I may have even taken away Christmas and his birthday for the next three years.
I take him to school and barely slow down as I eject him from the car. FREEDOM!! I enjoy my day of quiet but it ends so quickly. I pick C. up and he informs me that he is not going to do anything I tell him today. IT IS ON!!!!
A. gets home and accidentally knocks over a flower vase. She goes nuts when I suggest that she did that and needs to help clean it up. Crying, wailing, sobbing, I DIDN"T DO IT!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I walk around the corner to find my son emptying the whole sandbox out of his pockets on to the floor. I hear voices that tell me to run, run like the wind. I would have listened however, just as I was going for the door, I sharted. Yes, my friends, it happened again. What the HELL is the matter with me? Anyways, you can't runaway if you have poop swipes in your drawers.
SO, I am resigned. We are all going to bed by 7:00.
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