1. If you leave dog barf long enough the dog will eat it.
2. I will not pick up dog crap even if it is in my path. I will walk around it and wait for J. to pick it up.
3. Using the word "freakshow" at work is not a great idea.
4. Black women like my hair.
5. Facebook is addictive.
6. I don't know Facebook etiquette. Can refuse to be someone's friend?
7. Work gets in the way of going out to lunch.
8. I don't like to work more than 4 hours a day.
9. A. is a dork.
10. I can make A. cry by not letting her be a Transformer for Halloween. ( She'll thank me one day)
11. Charisse made my life a whole lot easier.
12. You can use the same racket that you killed a bat with to play tennis.
13. Immigrants coming to the parking lot at school are really bad drivers.
14. You can sustain yourself on Heath bars alone.
15. Standing in front of a class and saying the words: masturbation, erection, orgasm, transvestite fetishism, arousal and vagina is something that makes me stammer and turn red.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Miscommunication
We all know the importance of communication. This week, I had a difficult time expressing myself properly. It begins with a simple email from the office secretary, letting me know that she needs a picture of me for the school website. NOOOOOO!!!!! Should I submit my picture from Disney World where I am fat, sweaty and have donkey hair? ( which by the way somehow were on my facebook page. ARGH!! NOT ANYMORE!) Anyways, I send my resume, bio and a picture of Doris Day. She laughs and says, nevermind we are ALL taking professional photos so there is some uniformity. NOOOOOOO!!! I never take good pictures. ( Most of you remember the Ricky Schroeder mugshot that I walked around with for four years.) So, jokingly I email her back and ask what happens if I get sick right before the picture and miss it. Most people would know that I was joking. Apparently, she did not. She emailed me back and said that she asked my boss if I had to get my picture taken. She explained to him that I was uncomfortable with getting my picture taken. He said I had to. OH MY EFFIN GOD!!! I can't believe she went to him. He now will think I am a big ole freakshow. She didn't know I was kidding. I was relaying this story to J. I decided that I would just avoid my boss for awhile. He seems Aspbergery and will definitely make a point of saying something to me about it. He'll need to EXPLAIN to me why. J. then suggests I just tell him what happened. Hmmm. The truth. A concept.
So, in the urgency of having this picture being taken I make a hair appointment. I have been growing it out for nine months. I hate it but I know I just need to wait a little longer and all will be fine. It's been six weeks. I need it cleaned up. I go to a new stylist in the same salon and we have a consultation. I explain that what I want. I tell him that I have been growing my hair out for nine long months. He shakes his head as though he understands and begins to cut. CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT. At the end, my hair is as short as it was in January. Nine months of ugly hair for not. Oh well.
As I leave, feeling a little blue and self conscious, a scary black man with no teeth lets me know how he feels about my new look. Affirmation is just what I needed. Later that weekend, while getting a pedicure, the very lesbian technician lets me know how she feels about my new look. (By the way, it is very hard to enjoy a pedicure when the person doing it is gazing at you and rubbing your feet).
The good part is that my picture will be on the website for all to see. I can't wait.
So, in the urgency of having this picture being taken I make a hair appointment. I have been growing it out for nine months. I hate it but I know I just need to wait a little longer and all will be fine. It's been six weeks. I need it cleaned up. I go to a new stylist in the same salon and we have a consultation. I explain that what I want. I tell him that I have been growing my hair out for nine long months. He shakes his head as though he understands and begins to cut. CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT. At the end, my hair is as short as it was in January. Nine months of ugly hair for not. Oh well.
As I leave, feeling a little blue and self conscious, a scary black man with no teeth lets me know how he feels about my new look. Affirmation is just what I needed. Later that weekend, while getting a pedicure, the very lesbian technician lets me know how she feels about my new look. (By the way, it is very hard to enjoy a pedicure when the person doing it is gazing at you and rubbing your feet).
The good part is that my picture will be on the website for all to see. I can't wait.
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!
I am not generally known for my self censoring, however in my new position I am really having to step it up. I love my office, however, being between the bathroom and the stairwell I have fallen victim to the office troll, in addition to various folks, just stopping by. As many of you know, when I am in my office I am in Shannonland where you can fart, belch and sing Paul Revere whenever you please. This can be problematic when people are just popping in to say hello!
So, there is the office troll. She looks like a troll, with buggy eyes and crazy frizzy hair. She sneaks up on you. She scared the shit out of me the other day. She came into my office and stood directly behind my chair and then said, "Is this your office?" I spit coffee out of my mouth and all over my keyboard. She was so close to me that she had to step back when I swiveled around. By the way, who asks such a stupid question. "No, this is not my office. I snuck in here too. SHHHH don't tell anyone."
The troll proceeds to go into a ten minute discussion about what I don't remember. At one point she looked at my window and said, "You have windows. What do they look out on?" I wanted to say, "Why don't you shuffle your little troll feet over to the window and look!" But I didn't. Instead, in my head behind my fake smile I was screaming...SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! Eventually my phone rang and the troll slumped out and on to her next victim.
I went to my class in the evening, where I am teaching adults returning to school. I really enjoy most of them. However, there is one...there's always one....who is irrelevant in everything they say. On this day, she was especially on. She also had a partner. The partner was just not bright and could not grasp some very simple concepts and I had to repeat myself and tell her she was wrong without making her feel stupid. (Still a very difficult task for me) As Ms. Irrelevant was comparing a psychological disorder to a Goldie Hawn movie and relating a very long drawn out story about her neighbor's neighbor's sister who she prays for blah blah blah..., I felt like my brain was going to explode. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! Yet, I smiled on.
Various times throughout this day, people popped in, plopped down in my office and blathered on about nothing. I felt the anxiety spreading through my body. My face would feel flush. I was afraid to open my mouth as I knew what would rush out like vomit.....SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!
So, there is the office troll. She looks like a troll, with buggy eyes and crazy frizzy hair. She sneaks up on you. She scared the shit out of me the other day. She came into my office and stood directly behind my chair and then said, "Is this your office?" I spit coffee out of my mouth and all over my keyboard. She was so close to me that she had to step back when I swiveled around. By the way, who asks such a stupid question. "No, this is not my office. I snuck in here too. SHHHH don't tell anyone."
The troll proceeds to go into a ten minute discussion about what I don't remember. At one point she looked at my window and said, "You have windows. What do they look out on?" I wanted to say, "Why don't you shuffle your little troll feet over to the window and look!" But I didn't. Instead, in my head behind my fake smile I was screaming...SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! Eventually my phone rang and the troll slumped out and on to her next victim.
I went to my class in the evening, where I am teaching adults returning to school. I really enjoy most of them. However, there is one...there's always one....who is irrelevant in everything they say. On this day, she was especially on. She also had a partner. The partner was just not bright and could not grasp some very simple concepts and I had to repeat myself and tell her she was wrong without making her feel stupid. (Still a very difficult task for me) As Ms. Irrelevant was comparing a psychological disorder to a Goldie Hawn movie and relating a very long drawn out story about her neighbor's neighbor's sister who she prays for blah blah blah..., I felt like my brain was going to explode. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! Yet, I smiled on.
Various times throughout this day, people popped in, plopped down in my office and blathered on about nothing. I felt the anxiety spreading through my body. My face would feel flush. I was afraid to open my mouth as I knew what would rush out like vomit.....SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!
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