What a fool

The kids have been at the Nazi swim camp for the past two weeks. Unlike C.'s school, I have not been getting a report on his various misbehaviors on a daily basis. Therefore, I believe that everything is going well. WHAT A FOOL!!!

I told C. yesterday as I dropped him off that if he had a good day we would have a fun activity in the afternoon. I believed that this would seal the deal. WHAT A FOOL!!! I go about my day and return to retrieve the kids. C. hops in the car and lets me know that he had a great day! A. (the squealer) then asks him so that I can hear,"Then why did you have to sit out?" He says nothing. So I ask,"C., why did you have to sit out?" He thinks quickly on his feet. "I was tired." I think to myself, this is possible. WHAT A FOOL!!!!

I think that maybe he is not telling the truth. "If I call the camp what are they going to say?" C. thinks for a moment and says," I don't know. Let me talk to my dad." He is trying to buy some time. "No, if I call the camp, what are they going to tell me?" He looks away and picks up his drink," I can't talk now I am drinking."

So, I call the camp. Apparently, my little angel was throwing rocks in the pool. He also has been getting out of the pool early in order to make mischief. The owner was very kind and said that he is an independent spirit. I know those are kind words for Pain in the ASS. I am so angry. For the love of GOD!! I am sending him to swim camp. He is in a pool with kids his age, PLAYING!!! It's not like he is at a Nazi work camp digging ditches. Now that I think of it, that may not be a bad idea. I now have to add to list of things NOT to do, throwing rocks. Our morning ritual is also a list of BAD IDEAS. For an example: No biting, no hitting, no punching, no spitting, no throwing water, no whining, no escaping, no showing your private parts, no knocking over or destroying others work, no potty talk, no peeing outside and NOW NO ROCK THROWING or LEAVING THE LESSON EARLY!! It is going to take the whole 30 minute drive to remind him of the rules before we are done!

I turn to C. and ask him what the camp said to me. He looks at me and says," I dunno. I wasn't on the phone." HOLY LORD ABOVE KEEP ME FROM TURNING AROUND AND PUNCHING HIM IN THE THROAT!!!

A. is sitting very smugly in her chair. She doesn't realize that her act of tattling has now ruined the plans for BOTH of them. What a FOOL!!

Massage

J. got me a massage for Mother's Day. I was a little disappointed that it was not at a spa but at a strip mall. Oh, well. I guess the it's the thought that counts.

I am usually not to keen on people touching me, especially when I am naked, but who can turn down a chance to have someone rub my nasty feet. I have a ritual that I participate in before going to get naked with a stranger. I take a hot shower, I shave, put on my "going to the GYN" underwear and poop.

Well, the night before my arranged massage I drank, a lot. When I awoke the next morning and had been up for awhile, I decided that it was time to get prepped. Unfortunately for me, there was a water main break and our water had been turned off. HOLY CRAP!! So I wait and I wait and I wait. No water. It is coming time to go. So, I do the best I can to get the drunk, alcohol, smoke funk off of me. I still haven't pooped. I am suddenly thankful that I am going to a strip mall.

I arrive at the strip mall to find my masseuse is a young girl. She leads me back to the room. I ask to be excused for a moment to use the bathroom. She leads me down a maze like hallway. As I pass various rooms I see her colleagues. I am thankful for my choice. The men that were employed at this particular facility looked as though they may have earned their massage therapy license in the prison vocational program. They were the type of people I want changing my oil not putting oil on my naked body.

I am a classy woman. I get into the bathroom and do the homeless man shower. I guess I was taking a long time. The girl knocked on the door to find out if I was okay. What am I going to say? " Leave me alone I am taking a shit and a shower in your public bathroom, gimme a sec."

After all was said and done, I think that I think too much of myself if I think that a strip mall massage is beneath me.

I love underwear

As most of you know, I am a firm believer in underwear. It makes you comfortable and covers your most private parts. Today I am especially thankful for underwear.

For the past week and a half I have been making an hour trip from home to swim camp to work. Most days I make sure to potty before I begin my trek. This morning we were running late. About half way through my trip I realized that I had to pee. Really badly. I also needed gas. I hate using gas station bathrooms but sometimes you have to. So, I was able to make it to my favorite gas station. Yes, I have a favorite gas station. All the ladies know me there. They are my peeps.

So I go into the relatively clean bathroom and upon finishing up I glance in the mirror and see that I got a Flock of Seagulls going on. I focus on fixing my hair. I walk out of the bathroom. I walk around, gathering my water and granola bar, waving and smiling at the girls. I am little self conscious of my hair and when the giggling begins, I assume my hair is a mess.

Then thankfully, one of the girls behind the counter says,"Girl, your drawers are showing!" Oh my Jesus!! I have my skirt tucked into my underwear!!! MORTIFICATION!! I pull my skirt out and start laughing. What else am I supposed to do? I am grateful that I wasn't wearing my creeper underwear, because at least my ass was covered.

I gotta find another gas station. Do you think I made the surveillance tape? That's kind of like being on TV.