Batman Returns

We finally made it home after a long week in Columbus. C. has bronchitis and we needed to give him a breathing treatment at random Steak N' Shakes along the way. He's a little better, but with the steroids he gets awful 'roid rage. A three year old Hulk ain't pretty.

Anyhoo, we finally get home and start to get unpacked. It's time for baths but because our regular tub isn't fixed yet we have to take the kids to the bathroom upstairs. That's when J. came downstairs and said calmly, "There's either a bat or a frog in the tub." WHAT?!?! How do you mistake a frog for a bat or vice versa? Well the kids were freakin out so I had to remain calm and let J. handle this situation.

"Can you die from rabies?" he asks. I think that you can. I saw it on ER once. He looks up bat disposal on the internet. He disappears into the closet and re-emerges dressed as a leather clad ninja fighter with a tennis racket. His plan is to scoop the bat into a large bucket, cover the bucket with the tennis racket and carry it through the house and out the front door. I am not too keen on this plan, as it requires carrying a rodent through the house but I am in no position to argue with the ninja.

He ascends the stairs ready for battle. His weapons for war are a large blue bucket used to collect dog poop and a 20 year old tennis racket. We are so proud of our warrior keeping us safe from intruders. After what seems like an hour (really about 15 minutes) he races down the stairs and out the front door and releases the animal. It does not fly away. I ask him in a whisper,"What happened up there? I didn't see the bat." He hung up his blue bucket shield and his tennis racket sword. He removed his protective leather gear and said in hushed voice, " I beat him with the tennis racket." He turned and walked away a changed man, a hero.

All I can really say about the whole incident is that I am SO glad it wasn't a goose.

Didn't think it was possible

I didn't think it was possible that we could have more bad luck this week. Foolish woman. We had a pleasant few days and Christmas on the whole was fine. I avoided a confrontation with my drunk father (that was a true test of will), avoided getting pulled into the family drama by staying on the porch smoking and avoided getting sick. A. fell down the stairs and busted her lip and then all three kids came down with terrible HACKING coughs and booger noses. At one point I thought I was going to throw up listening to my niece and daughter blowing their noses in stereo in the back seat of the car and all through the Nutcracker. They sounded like old men with bulbous noses not little girls. I have to add snot to my list of things that can cause my gag reflex to activate.

We actually decided to stay another day because the kids were having fun and everyone was getting along. (plus the guy fixing our tub at home wasn't done yet) So, we decide to take the kids to get their pictures done for my mother. I talked her out of the family picture considering the circumstances, but she really wanted a picture of the three kids. Well, this morning I inadvertently took 2 crazy pills instead of one. I only realized this after I got really tired and a little loopy. It was probably best that I took two pills because my son REFUSED to take off his fireman costume, had booger nose and would not smile. I might have killed him if I had not been so "relaxed". After wrestling him to the ground in the middle of the Picture People to get the damn costume off (it's okay I don't live in Columbus), we were able to get mediocre pictures for about $150. The whole ordeal only took two hours. As we were leaving my mother turns to me and says," Are you happy you finally got your pictures?" It's a really good thing I was so drugged. I could have cold cocked her, however I couldn't find the energy. Maybe I should up the dose on a regular basis.

Luckily for us, C.'s cold has turned into a fever and hacking cough. The nurse on call said we should wait to leave until Saturday. I'm not drugged anymore. It's time to go home...

The First 24

We arrived in Columbus on Friday with high hopes of an incident free Christmas. It was not to be. Within the first twenty four hours, A. was almost blinded by a shot of soap to the eye, C. pooped on the floor of my parents' very clean house and then fell off the piano bench and busted his lip. How could things get worse?

J. and I had decided that for Christmas we should give ourselves a night out. I purchased tickets to David Sedaris and made reservations at this wonderful restaurant. This night out is what got me through the weeks leading up to the visit. We were running late from dinner, so we wolfed down our steaks and headed to the venue. FRONT ROW SEATS!!! I could not contain my enthusiasm. UNTIL... we got the program. It was some friggin local actor putting on the stories of David Sedaris. I was crushed and a little embarrassed. J. was gracious and only made fun of me for a little while. He tried to be supportive in my time of disappointment. He leaned over and said," We were so close to meeting David Sedaris. It's just that he's not here."

We stayed for the show and then went out for drinks. You can't smoke anywhere in Columbus, so I was not terribly interested in staying. I did however give the people at the bar something to laugh at when I went the wrong way in the revolving door.

J. and I retired to bed and as we were talking I asked him, "What do you think will go wrong tomorrow or do you think we've gotten our bad luck out of the way?" He looked at me and smiled and said," It's possible that our car could burst into flames and we will be stuck here forever." He rolled over and went to sleep.

Benadryl, Hedgehogs and Christmas

It's almost midnight the night before my family takes a six hour (maybe 8 hour) trip to Grandmother's house for Christmas. The weeks leading up to this trip have been hectic and I would really like to stay home. However, no can do.

The car is packed, the gifts bought and J. and A. are sleeping soundly. I am not. Why? Well, my three year old is still awake. He's still awake and singing "Who Let the Dogs Out" to his toy hedgehog. ( Last week the kid was wrestling his underwear. This kid is ODD!) If I were a good mom I would write this down in his scrapbook and think, "What a funny story!" Alas, I am not a good mom. I just pumped him full of Benadryl (he does have a cold) and myself with Excedrin PM. "GO TO SLEEP!!" is what I am thinking.

A. had two playdates this week. They made masks and chocolate covered whatevers and had tea parties. I feel really bad that when A. has a playdate here I put them in the basement so that I can go smoke a cigarette. I was thinking about what the road trip will be like tomorrow. My mom always had lots of games to play with us. I just want them to sleep for six hours. I am going to need a HUGE bottle of Benadryl.

This Christmas should be interesting. Whenever my family gets together, somebody cries. I just hope this year it isn't me. Two years ago my dad cursed out my five year old niece, my brother and I got into a shouting match in front of all my relatives and J. came down with a stomach flu. This year we are having some family issues. I plan to drink a lot.

BAH HUMBUG!!

I like Christmas, I really do. However, I was very unChristmassy today. I stole the chocolates out of my daughter's Advent Calendar, threw away her St. Nicholas puppet and raided the playroom and threw out toys.

Merry Friggin Christmas!

A raised eyebrow

If you see me in the next week, don't be offended if I look at you with a raised brow. I went a little wild with the tweezers today. Luckily I stopped trying to even them up before a plucked them bald.

My concern over my eyebrows started about six months ago when I went to get a pedicure. After the woman told me very directly that my feet and hands were TERRIBLE, she then pointed out that my eyebrows were, "CRAZY, VERY CRAZY!!" I had never thought that my eyebrows were crazy. No one had ever mentioned this to me before, so I thought I should listen. I am very aware that I have buck teeth, a flabby butt, stretchmarked stomach, rough hands and feet that make that "SCRRRRCH" noise when I take my socks off, but I had never even considered my eyebrows. In my eternal quest for beauty, I let her wax my eyebrows. It hurt like hell, but I guess it's the price you pay.

Anyhoo, I never went back to have them done again. I always meant to, but for all the inconvience and pain involved I should be able to manage them myself. It is not as if anyone has ever mistaken me for the daughter of a yellow muppet with crazy hair and a gay lover. So, today was the day for grooming. PLUCK<> PLUCK> PLUCK< OOPS!! DAMMIT! I stopped and made an appointment for tomorrow.

The night the lights (and heat) went out...

I awoke to the sensation a freezing nose. I glanced over to the clock and realized that the power had gone out. DAMN!!! I went to the window and saw that across the street, mocking my pain, the neighbors had power. They were FLAUNTING their electricity. Not only could I see the porch lights I could see the flashing and twinkling of Christmas lights on the trees. They were winking at me! Here, my family and I were freezing to death and they were WASTING their electricity. OK, the power had only been out for like two hours and we were hardly freezing to death but COME ON!! It was like eating a Dagwood sandwich in front of a starving man.

Anyhoo, J. was trapped in Oklahoma, so it was the kids and I left to our own devices. It was 7:00am and there had to be someone to call. I called the electric company but couldn't get through. I called J. to let him know that I was mad. He was in no mood to hear my complaints, seeing as he had been in the airport for two days.

We made it to a friend's house and waited out the morning. To say I obsessed with calling the electric company was an understatement. I think I called every ten minutes. At one point my very dear and direct friend told me she was going to shove the phone up my butt if I called one more time. Perhaps after only a brief three hours I was wearing out my welcome.

After it became obvious that the power could not be telepathically willed on, I resigned myself to the nomadic life. We would stay just long enough to eat, shower and win Texas Hold em, and move to the next station.

Eventually our power came on and we were able to return home. Although I deeply appreciate the kindness of our friends and family, it was AWESOME to return to my house, where we could be LOUD and messy and chaotic, where I could yell at my children in peace, take my hat off and not be ridiculed for my Heat Miseresque hairdo and finally poop. (You know that was going to come up)

The funny thing is that Friday, as I was wandering from home to home in the cold, I got my electric bill.