I think I may be dying

I mean of course we're all dying but last night I woke up with the worst pain in my stomach. It was a nauseated pain it was a sharp knitting needle slicing through your intestinal track pain. I was holding my stomach when suddenly I realized the herniated belly button wasn't herniating anymore. Had it exploded and now I was dying a slow death? Maybe.

Well, I drank some water and it went away.

I may be a stalker...

I think I could be a stalker. Ask J. he'll tell you I stalked him. But that was WAY before there were any laws and he married me anyway.

I kind of freaked when my babysitter quit. This is the first time that I had only one back up and she is leaving in August. What am I going to do? Welp, I decided I was gonna get me a girl. And that's what I did.

The hunt began last week. I put a sign up at C.'s preschool. Nobody called. In the meantime, I've been watching the "helpers" at C.'s school. I watch how they look, how they talk, do they smile, are they clean...you know. After a couple of days of watching I narrowed it down to two. On the day of the ambush, I took a shower. I got C. and A. dressed better than usual and made sure they were clean. We got to school early and I parked up the hill so I could monitor the situation. She came out. I started yelling at the kids,"NOW NOW NOW MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!" Bewildered, C. jumped out of the car and followed me down the hill.

As I approached, I put on my best mom smile and started talking REALLY fast, that way she would agree without knowing what she was agreeing to. My plan was working. She looked like a deer in the headlights as she listened to me ramble on. She said yes. I said are you sure. She said she'd call me about the details. I gave her my number.

Triumphantly I walked back to the car. Then it dawned on me a) I don't know her name and b) girls say they are gonna call but they don't. I didn't want to freak her out more than I already had, so I decided to wait til the next day for the second part of the plan.

The next day I practiced what I was going to say, so that she wouldn't realize that I did not know her name. I approached her with pen and paper. I asked again if she was interested and told her of my desperation. I think she could see it on my face. I asked her very calmly if she would write down her name and number on the sheet of paper so that I could call her next week. She agreed. I GOT HER NOW BOYS!!! I got her name and number. She cannot get away! I hope she doesn't try to leave, I'd hate to have to kill her.

Okay, so I'm not so tough

I realize that a few days ago I was all about quitting my job and sticking it to the man (or woman) in this case. Amy is right. I will never really quit this job. The pressure was TOO much. Everywhere I turned people were telling me that they could find me a babysitter. Since I was not terribly interested in someone's niece's second cousin's neighbor, I found someone on my own. Why can't I just say I'm leaving and that be it? The someone I found is not ideal, since she is leaving in the middle of August and can only do one day.

I am thinking of putting up a flyer on the poles in the neighborhood. One of my best friends from college's step daughter is coming to SLU for school in the fall. Perfect! Except she doesn't have a car. I pleaded with my friend to give this girl a car. Her response was very simple. She said,"What did you and CJ do in CJ's car when you were freshmen?" I stole lobsters, went looking for donuts at 3:30 in the morning, gave rides to strangers... Point taken.

Tattlers and Lock outs

My kids are making me crazy. A. can't stop telling on her brother. I have resorted to the,"If I didn't see it, it didn't happen" rule. C. really wins with this one.

C. was almost given away yesterday. A. and C. were outside and I was taking the trash out to the dumpster. All of a sudden, C. get an idea. (never good). He races into the house, slams the door and locks it. He laughs. He's not gonna open the door. He's smart because I am so mad. He goes and sits on the couch. I am thinking of the different ways I am going to punish him.

Rockin Out

Took the kids to their first concert on Sunday. It was at a night club down the street from the house. It was funny to watch all the parents. They were a little too into the music. They seemed to be trying very hard to make this Dave Matthews instead of Ralph's World.

A. is becoming socially aware. She wanted to dance. She wanted to get in the pit and start shaking what her momma gave her. BUT, it may not have been cool. She had to look around and make sure that other kids her age were out there and not just little kids before she could. C. on the other hand was dancing and didn't care. He did however remind me of me. He thought it was too loud. I always complained of the music being too loud. He wanted them to turn it down. I tried to explain that they can't do that.

At on point the band invited the whole crowd on the stage for the final song. I thought C. would be right up in front getting his groove on. I was mistaken. He went right for the drums. He stood absolutely still with his mouth open. He was in a trance. He then turned to me and said,"I want drums for my birthday."

BOW WOW WOW

I am in the doghouse. What the hell is wrong with me? Since quitting smoking my shopping is getting out of hand. I got it yesterday. I deserved it. I can admit when I have done wrong, usually just not at the time it is being brought to my attention. I gotta get all indignant and make things worse. When will I ever learn? Sorry man.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T

A. is playing softball this year with non school kids. It's actually kind of nice because no one knows me and I don't have to be nice. So, anyway, we're at the game Saturday and C. is running around and trips over this woman's outstretched leg. Any other mother would ask the three year old child if he was okay. Not this one. She looked right at me and gave me the "Can't you control your child?" look. So I give her the "OH NO YOU DIDN'T" look. And she gave me the ,"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU" look? And I gave her the, "THAT'S RIGHT, BIOTCH, YOU DON'T KNOW ME" look. Then she flipped her big hair around.

So, she's sitting there in her Jackie O sunglasses, tight jeans and animal print shoes, lounging in her chair, chatting to the other moms who seem to be terribly interested in her. (By the by, animal print clothing is for prostitutes and children. If you are offended because you wear them, take heed, you are being talked about). She is obviously the Queen Bee. Then I recognized her. She was that twit in my Jazercise class who talked through the whole hour. She was even reprimanded by the instructor for being so rude. I reached further into memory (as exercising was so long ago) and remembered that her son is the one C. popped in the mouth and gave a bloody lip. I smiled and hugged C.

I just want to sleep!

Is that really too much to ask?

I quit my job, sort of. After some surprisingly adverse reactions to my leaving I told them I'd be back in September. I hate confrontations.

Have you ever?

Have you ever just gotten out of bed and decided that you were going to be mean today? Today I have decided that I am going to go above and beyond my normal negativity and be a real bitch. I am going to say no to any requests, I am going to bite people's heads off and I may push an elderly person. I could kick a puppy too if I can find one. I don't know what is in my craw, but Lordy, Lordy I's ready fo a fight. Good thing I'm going to work today.

I think maybe I'll storm in my boss's office, throw my keys and ID badge across the desk, slam my fists on the desk and say" YOU KNOW WHAT, LADY? I AM QUITTING YOU! SO YOU CAN TAKE ALL YOUR CRAZY, METH SMOKING, NO TEETH HAVIN, WIFE BEATIN, CHILD LEAVIN, CROSS DRESSIN, SWORD CARRYIN, GRENADE HAVIN, FREAK SHOWS AND BLOW IT UP YOUR ASS.

I AM NOT WEARING PANTY HOSE WHEN IT IS 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE. I AM NOT APOLOGIZING TO THAT FREAK FOR CALLING HER A FREAK AND FINALLY I AM NOT GOING TO ANY MORE OF YOUR DAMN SELF DEFENSE CLASSES. IF SOMEONE COMES AT ME I'M GONNA POKE EM IN THE EYE AND RUN LIKE HELL!!! HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES, LADY?!?!?!?"

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?! CHICAHHH!

Sad

I just heard from my mom that my brother's best friend died tonight. He had cancer. He was 35. The really sad thing is that they said it could have been treated if he had come in earlier. He didn't have health insurance, so he never went. It makes me so angry that this country can spend billions of dollars on a senseless war, but we can't keep provide health coverage to our citizens. Shame on us.

I just feel sad.

Summer Time Blues

It's been over a week since I have had time to post. A lot of nothing has been in the way. I have had some family drama, work drama and intestinal drama. Where o where do I begin?

I have to quit my job. My newest babysitter told me last night that she is moving to Chicago and July 12th will be her last day. I got no back up, so I gotta go. Work is getting a little slow and I got in trouble the other day. I know, I know it is hard to believe, but I guess it is unprofessional when you call a colleague a freak. I didn't really call her a freak, I said she was acting like a freak. Apparently that hurt her feelings and she told my boss, who confronted me. Luckily it was also a day when I wasn't wearing the required hosiery. In my defense, it was really hot and my colleague was acting like a freak. Another example of the defective self censor.

My transgender client was in last week. He and I talked more about his court case. He inadvertently left out that in addition to the sword and the musket that was found on his person, they also found a live grenade. He further explained that the reason he was so upset with his wife was that she wrecked his "pony girl" S&M outfit that he had been making for an upcoming parade. She even pulled out the ostrich plume. It all makes a lot more sense to me now. Who wouldn't be angry? Now he's gone to have to settle for "ordinary" leather bondage equipment. (Everyone go look up "pony girl", I'll wait.)

Anyhow, he decided that he is going to divorce her. He also gave me the link to pictures of himself as a woman. He ain't pretty. I thought he'd look better, he just kinda looks slutty. I don't know what I was expecting. How many people into S&M dress in Laura Ashley?

Other than that work is work. It's been a month since I stopped smoking. It's also been a month since I stopped sleeping and pooping. Who knew that J. was asking me to give up so much. I got a little stomach bug yesterday. Prayed a lot when I was in the car. I know, I know, I can never be satisfied.

I got a call from my folks last night. They wanted to make sure that I don't get to start thinking of myself as some type of fancy pants. They went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. Apparently I need to be reminded that in every family there is a hillbilly. My cousin got married in a field, with Port-a-Potties, an accordion player and naturally the best food and beverages. PBR and Amber Mist. My mom ruined her silk dress in the mud and my dad had dead bugs all over his linen jacket. We're blood related.

I only have a couple weeks left until my vacation to Mexico. I don't have a passport yet, but I'm sure it'll show up the day after we leave. Gotta go get A. from her Nazi swim camp. Hope she learns to swim.

Careful what you wish for...

For the past two weeks I have been counting the days until I could go back to work. Tuesday, I went. My new babysitter started, I had a new outfit, a new attitude. I was ready. I walk in the door and my cell phone starts ringing. It's the babysitter. C. just threw up. A GM would have turned around and gone home. But we all know that I am not a GM, so I asked about a fever and told her I'd call her back in an hour. I didn't go home. He was FINE!

Yesterday I had a 12 hour day. For the ninth time since 1993 I had to take a self defense course at my job. It hasn't changed in 9 years. I guess I was hoping that maybe they would teach us how to defend ourselves against an eye poke or a wedgie. Nope, just chokes and whatnot. I could have easily fallen asleep if it had not been for the overly enthusiastic attendee sitting directly next to me. She talked and asked questions and made us stay over for 20 minutes. NOT AMUSED!! I needed to return some shoes to Marshalls. I did not have time for her banter. I gave her "the look" and was tempted to flick her ear every time she opened her mouth, but decided against it. There were a lot of really stupid people in this training. My only advice is stay out of psych units.

I finally got to work. My clients were the same. Not much had happened in the month that I was gone. Until I got a new client. He was about my age and relatively attractive, but there was something odd about him. Couldn't put my finger on it. I started the interview to find out that the reason he is odd looking is that he a cross dresser. He considers himself trans-gendered. He is currently going through a divorce (shocker). He's a carpenter by day and a femme by night. His eyebrows had a better arch than mine.

Anyway, cross dressing is not that odd in my business. What is odd is that he also makes armor and is a Civil War buff. He's facing domestic violence charges because during an argument, his wife called the police. When the police arrived, he ran into the woods, carrying a musket and a sword. Odd. When he was taken to jail, it was discovered by the jail officials that he was wearing pink ladies' underwear under his clothing. Odd.

Apparently he is into S&M but just the equipment and not the sex. He found his cross dressing "Big Sister" through this group. The "Big Sister" makes whips and other things for a living. Did you know that these groups have monthly meetings just like the Knights of Columbus? I wonder what their secret handshake is. Again, odd. He's also a Wicken. For some reason, he does not believe that any of these things will make him look bad in a custody dispute in rural Missouri. Odd.

He liked my sling backs.

Highway to Hell Musings

While spending 12 hours in the car my mind wandered. Here are some thoughts for the reader to ponder:
1. What is the best road trip song?
I would say that any classic 70's Rock with special recognition to AC/DC and Lynard Skynard.
Soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar.

2.What are your top three worst road trips?
a) The Great Kansas White Out- Many of you have heard this story, but for others it goes a little something like this....
At the age of 23 I left St. Louis to go to grad school out west. I was returning to Denver after visiting J. in St. Louis. I drove a bright blue Geo Metro the size of a golf cart. It had a broken window and I later found out (after wrecking it) that it was made with a large amount of plastic and Styrofoam. Anyway, there I was driving on Highway 70, cold and alone (due to the wind whipping through the broken window) in the middle of Kansas when it started to snow. It started to snow a lot. I kept going, barely managing to keep the Smurf Turd on the road. Up ahead there were state troopers closing the highway due to white out conditions.

I pulled into a creepy motel and prayed that I had enough on my credit card to reserve a room. The thought of sleeping in my car or in the lobby almost made me cry. I got a lovely room on the first floor right next to a BIG SCARY TRUCKER who was behind me at check in. I was not on meds yet, so I just knew that I would the victim of the White Out Killer. My body would be mutilated and thrown by the side of the road not to be discovered until the spring thaw. So, like any sane person, I moved all the movable furniture in front of the door and slept with my mace in my hand.

The next morning I awoke. I was still alive. I hadn't had anything to eat except about 10 granola bars that were in my back pack. In retrospect perhaps two granola bars would have been sufficient. About an hour into the trip, I had funny tummy. There I was, in the middle of Kansas, a foot of snow, whipping winds at 20 degrees and I have to crap. NOW!! I kept driving. There was not an exit for 35 miles. I didn't know if I could hold it for 35 miles. I was in quite a pickle.

After about 10 minutes of incredible pain, I had a decision to make. Should I just crap my pants? Should I pull over, trudge through the snow, risk frost bite and crap on the side of the road? Should I just pray that my sure will could carry me through? I was trying not to cry. I sat on my hand (which is difficult when you have a manual transmission) and soldiered on. I will admit that the thought of just letting go was appealing, but I persevered. Up ahead, through my tears, I saw the grossest service station. I didn't care. I raced into the store to find the women's room occupied. Without a thought I slammed into the men's room. The toilet was "out of order", the urinal was all that was available. It had to be done.

I slinked out.

b. The "Tornado": On the same highway, on my move out to Colorado, in the same car, I tried to out race a tornado. I didn't make it. I had to pull over and park my Geo, with everything I own it to be swept up in the tornado.

c. "Pulled Over": Driving with my brother home from St. Louis, I got pulled over in Red Neck, Oklahoma. The officer came up to the window and asked me to get out of the car. I was 20 at the time and SCARED to death. He walked around the car and looked at my brother. (At the time he had shoulder length hair, a nose ring, and dirty ripped clothing) He brought me into the cruiser. I was shaking and on the verge of tears. He looked at me and said," Do you know that man in your car?" "Yessir." "Who is he?" "My brother." "Are you sure? He's looks a little strange." "Yessir, he does, but he's my brother." " Is he carrying any drugs or weapons?" "No, sir .(praying he didn't have any pot or pills on him)" "I'm going to check your vehicle." "Yessir."

He asked my brother to get out of the car. He searched the Smurf Turd, gave me a speeding ticket and told me to watch out for creepy looking people.

3. Why do the people along Highway 70 in Indiana care so much about where I will spend eternity?

4. Why did my children morph into crazy people when we crossed the Ohio state line?

5. When did my parents get so old?
They repeat themselves, they talk incessantly about the weather, can't have a conversation without arguing, and hound me about getting a new car.

When I was leaving, my mother was at work. So, I believed that my father would help me get ready to go. I was mistaken. We got him out of bed in time to say good bye.

My mother came home to say good-bye and saw that I was watching the kids and packing by myself. She got mad and started yelling at my dad. He got mad. LORD! The kids and I finally get in the car and we are pulling out. My father, standing in his bathrobe is arguing with my mother about the directions she gave me. She's arguing back. Never mind about us...

Road to Nowhere

I have so much to say. It's been a LONG week and am happy to finally be home. I go back to work today and am so pleased. First I will start with my trip then I will ramble with my musings.

Wed: Pack the car in the pouring rain. C. has been up since 5:00, dressed and ready to go. This is when he crawled up my ass and has resided ever since. A. took a little longer to get there but she made room as well. We finally get on the road a half hour late. Okay. Breath. Breath.

After we are going for about a half hour, the DVD player just stops working. Since I have at least six hours ahead of me, it is imperative that I fix it or buy a new one. I am not a handy girl, so we pull over in Collinsville to the Wal Mart that is not open yet. DAMN DAMN DAMN. I'm going home. Nope, wait, there's a Radio Shack. They'll have one. $200 later, we're on the road again. I tell you it is a small price to pay for the safety of my children. (J., who is the Consumer Reports guy, wants to know how much, what brand, blah, blah, blah. Screw you man, you aren't trapped like a rat for six hours in a car with kids. I would have purchased Explosive Brand for $500 if it got me to Columbus and back)

Anyway, we hit road construction, the slowest Steak n Shake in the US and multiple potty stops. Luckily I was able to squeeze a six hour trip into nine. My father of course is in a panic. My husband, not so much.

Thursday: The plan is to go to the zoo. It's the Jack Hanna Zoo, so it's supposed to be great. The last time we went there it was cold out and we saw one animal. There was supposed to a penguin parade. It was a parade of one. I thought we'd give it another try. Of course we are up and ready to hit the road by 9:00. My father, who is insisting that he come along, wants us to wait for him. Fine, except that in order to wait for him to complete his daily OCD routine we'd be there until noon. So, he's crabby. I say, "Dad, you don't have to go. We'll be fine." I am pleading that he stay because I know what will happen. And it did.

We get to the zoo and it is packed. Wall to wall people. I think there were 25 schools there that day. We saw one animal, oddly enough it was the penguin. We had to leave because my father was having an anxiety attack. He could not tolerate all the ugly people touching him. We were there for 20 minutes.

Friday: The cleaning lady is coming so we have to leave. We go see Shrek. Again, I say," Dad, you don't have to go." He comes. I want to see the early show, so that we can have lunch and go home before the meltdowns. He has to crap, then take his dogs to crap. (Due to the anti-smoking meds I haven't crapped in a week and I my stomach is distended about five feet.) The movie is fine, but at lunch A. has a nervous breakdown. She's crying and carrying on about not knowing what she wants for lunch. OOOH NOOOO! Ain't havin it. I grabbed her arm, drug her out of the restaurant and sat her on a bench. I walked away from her because I really was going to kill her. Hell, I'm in Ohio. THEY DON"T KNOW ME!!! She finally pulls herself together and we return. We sit down and C. looks over at A. and in his sweetest voice says, "Thank you Mommy for taking us to lunch. I love you."

Saturday: Pretty uneventful during the day. Went to the butterfly house, where I was terrified that C. was going to try to squish a rare butterfly or something. One landed on me and I almost had a heart attack. My mother, who has a PhD in education was unable to read the sign about the mating birds and took my children into the cage. They quickly exited. Dad was off duty. While preparing for the party C. peed on my mother's newly planted bushes. NICE! Saturday night, my mother had a party for all her teachers and staff at the house, so I took the kids out for dinner. Apparently, we were gone too long. so my father starts calling every 15 minutes to find out where we are. I will admit that I was being a bitch and didn't answer the phone. I'll get there when I friggin get there! I played the ole, didn't change my watch thing when I finally got home. The party was a nightmare. A. spent the whole evening annoying the bartenders with another little girl. I must have yelled at her a hundred times. C. on the other hand was the life of the party. Once the music started, he was shaking what his momma gave him. He donkey kicked and at one point I thought he might head spin. He was funny.

Then, he wasn't. We were walking inside, when one of my mother's employees stopped to tell C. how cute he was. C. then stuck both fingers up his nose and said,"I have my fingers up my nose. I'm funny."

Sunday: WATER PARK!!!! Luckily my father decided to stay home. We went to an indoor water park located at a resort. This resort was snuggly built between an industrial park and a highway. The view was gorgeous. Anyhoo, it was incredibly expensive and very crowded with ugly people with very little clothing. I had to wonder, wouldn't it be better to spend your money on dental hygiene than whole body tattoos? Maybe it's just me. I walked by certain people and thought to myself,"I'll bet he's peeing."

A. and C. had a GREAT TIME! I, of course, had to take A. on all the rides. I am sore from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I didn't know there were special water slide muscles. A. loved the slide where you lay on mat and sail down a slide while water pelts you in the eyes like tiny spears. The heavier you are the faster you go. I went really fast. This pre-teen boy wanted to race. Being the adult I am, as I slid past him I yelled,"IN YOUR FACE!!!"

We are home now and I go back to work today. I have to save my musings for another day...