Pee and Poop

I realize that a lot of my posts involve bodily functions. This will be no different. I awoke this morning at 5:00AM to shrieks. "MOMMY I AM WET!!!" Nothing like starting the day with pee. I went into C.'s room and he was covered in urine. Off went the jammies, off went the sheets, off went the blankets (which I had just washed the day before). C. climbs into bed with A. and myself. Me, in the middle. Suddenly squished between two children I long for the stink of J.'s morning breath and the fight for the covers. They are not sleeping. They are fighting. It's 5 AM. Somebody is gonna die.

I banish them to the playroom so that I can sleep for 15 more minutes. Again I hear a shriek. This time it is the unmistakable sound of my daughter's voice. She has inherited (from me) the ability to raise the dead with the sound of her voice. "HE'S POOPING, MOM!!" She's tattling. It's friggin 5:15 AM and she's already trying to get him in trouble.

I get up and go to see what the fuss is. With the piercing sound of her voice you would thing that he was smearing his poop on the walls and in her mouth. Nope. He's standing in the corner trying to poop. "Mom, he's supposed to use the potty. Dad said so." I swoop him up and carry him into the bathroom. He's crying and I have her standing over my shoulder. With huge tears rolling down his face he says,"I'm afraid of my poop." Me too buddy, me too.

So, he doesn't poop. We wait. We cry. We wait. We cry. No poop. Eventually the morning goes on and we take A. to school. C. and I come home and I set up a guy's dream. I put the potty in the living room, turn on the TV, get him reading material and go outside. I need a cigarette. They always help me poop. Anyhoo, Dukie is outside with me. He's pooping. He scampers past me and as I hold the door open for him to go back inside I notice a dingleberry hanging from his butt. DAMN IT!!! I just know that as soon as gets inside he's going to scooch his ass across the carpet. I jump up, put my cigarette out and follow him inside. I grab a wipe and start to go after the dingleberry. Dukie is fast for an old dog. He sees me coming and moves out of the way but not before I graze his ass with my hand trying to grab his back end so I can wipe off the poop. MY BARE HAND!! I HAVE DOG CRAP ON MY HAND!! I shriek. He runs. The chase begins.

Meanwhile, C. is sitting on the pot, watching Thomas the Tank Engine and yelling at me to wipe his butt. After three laps around the house I was able to fake out the dog, wrestle him to the ground and wipe the dingleberry off his butt. As I come back into the living room, I see C. standing at the coffee table, underwear around his ankles with a dingleberry hanging from his butt....