In over my head

I am coming to realize that I am in over my head with my new class. I am teaching a Master's level course and am beginning to think that my students know more than I. I know that I was overconfident when I began this class. I had just come off a great first semester with really good evaluations. Of course, this was with undergraduates. I'm older than most of them and really do know more than they do. Unfortunately, I am not sure that I can say that for my current students.

I am younger than probably half this class and well, I'm an idiot. It's not that I don't know the material I am teaching, I do. It's more that they ask harder questions that require more complex answers. I am not someone who can think on my feet. I am always the person who thinks of the perfect thing to say about two days after the confrontation. I can't do that with this class.

This week I had a student challenge me. Needless to say, I lost. The best part was that I turned bright red and wiped chalk across my face. I think it might be hard to respect a person who's wearing white chalk like war paint. Luckily I did not know that I had chalk on my face, so another student was kind enough to raise her hand and let me know. Oh, what a silly woman I am. I have also noticed that I pace, talk really fast, get chalk on my clothing, say "UM-kay" (like the therapist on South Park)after I explain something and talk to myself as I write on the board. I am a walking, um-kaying train wreck. AGH!! When will this semester be OVER!!

The lovely people in my life are saying to me, "I'm sure you are overreacting. You can't be that bad. Maybe it's them. BLAH BLAH BLAH". I would love for that to be true. I am self absorbed enough to realize that it probably is me. I'm there. I suck. This week I was able to save face when leaving class. I showed a video and was able to have to fight with the lights and the VCR (more talking to myself) and then have to pop the hood on my truck in order to replace the fuse, so that I could go home. I also have a cold. When I got home and started washing the day off, I realized I had a boogie in my nose as well. Did I mention that I spilled coffee down the front of my pants when I was pulling in to a parking space, so I spent the whole class with a brown stain on my crotch? I must have forgotten that, given how humiliated I was the rest of the class.

I'm thinking of just giving everyone an A if they promise not to tell the Dean what an ass I am.