Dog Poop and Underpants and a Moustache

I went to the mall today to buy some unmentionables. I hate to buy new underwear but it is time. I wear cotton. I don't like patterns or lace or fringe. I like white, black and beige cotton. That's it. Well of course the salesgirl tried to show my vinyl and the new fabric that looks like fabric but is really saran wrap. No, ma'am, just cotton, please.

Sales: Are you concerned about pantie lines?
Me: Should I be?
Sales: We have this new seamless, lightweight, blah, blah...

I'm thinking to myself, if it has not seams and is more light weight than regular underwear, aren't we just talking about string? I don't know about you but my current underwear is not particularly heavy or cumbersome. Maybe she thought I wore a chastity belt.

I felt the non-fabric and said again, I really just like cotton.
"Well. How bout a thong?"
I look like a bum, do I really look like I wear a thong? And why is this woman so concerned about my pantie lines?

She finally gets fed up with me. I find my way to the old lady cotton underwear table. I get what I am looking for. SO much for me and my pantie lines.

When I get home I open the door and am immediately SMACKED in the face with the unmistakable smell of crap. DAMN! DAMN! Dukie comes to the door, head down, ears back. He's sorry. Now it's up to me to find it. Luckily I found the first pile next to the back door. It's not poop, it's diarrhea. I immediately start gagging. I don't know if I can do this. I pick up the rug and throw it outside. I think I'm going to puke.

I put my head between my knees and catch my breath. I walk back in the house. The smell is still there. Is it residual or is there more? Just as I step in it I get my answer. It is at this point that I puke. Then Dukie pukes. DAMN!!!! Okay, I only puked a little. I finally clean it all up. I air out the house and spray Lysol EVERYWHERE! I had to make a phone call to Dell (which is the most annoying customer service company there is). After waiting ten minutes for a representative I see Dukie puke on the floor next to me.

I should have known that this was going to be that kind of day when it started out with the Asian woman who was waxing my eyebrows asking me if I wanted her to wax my moustache. I don't have a moustache, at least I've never had one before today.