Highway to Hell Musings

While spending 12 hours in the car my mind wandered. Here are some thoughts for the reader to ponder:
1. What is the best road trip song?
I would say that any classic 70's Rock with special recognition to AC/DC and Lynard Skynard.
Soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar.

2.What are your top three worst road trips?
a) The Great Kansas White Out- Many of you have heard this story, but for others it goes a little something like this....
At the age of 23 I left St. Louis to go to grad school out west. I was returning to Denver after visiting J. in St. Louis. I drove a bright blue Geo Metro the size of a golf cart. It had a broken window and I later found out (after wrecking it) that it was made with a large amount of plastic and Styrofoam. Anyway, there I was driving on Highway 70, cold and alone (due to the wind whipping through the broken window) in the middle of Kansas when it started to snow. It started to snow a lot. I kept going, barely managing to keep the Smurf Turd on the road. Up ahead there were state troopers closing the highway due to white out conditions.

I pulled into a creepy motel and prayed that I had enough on my credit card to reserve a room. The thought of sleeping in my car or in the lobby almost made me cry. I got a lovely room on the first floor right next to a BIG SCARY TRUCKER who was behind me at check in. I was not on meds yet, so I just knew that I would the victim of the White Out Killer. My body would be mutilated and thrown by the side of the road not to be discovered until the spring thaw. So, like any sane person, I moved all the movable furniture in front of the door and slept with my mace in my hand.

The next morning I awoke. I was still alive. I hadn't had anything to eat except about 10 granola bars that were in my back pack. In retrospect perhaps two granola bars would have been sufficient. About an hour into the trip, I had funny tummy. There I was, in the middle of Kansas, a foot of snow, whipping winds at 20 degrees and I have to crap. NOW!! I kept driving. There was not an exit for 35 miles. I didn't know if I could hold it for 35 miles. I was in quite a pickle.

After about 10 minutes of incredible pain, I had a decision to make. Should I just crap my pants? Should I pull over, trudge through the snow, risk frost bite and crap on the side of the road? Should I just pray that my sure will could carry me through? I was trying not to cry. I sat on my hand (which is difficult when you have a manual transmission) and soldiered on. I will admit that the thought of just letting go was appealing, but I persevered. Up ahead, through my tears, I saw the grossest service station. I didn't care. I raced into the store to find the women's room occupied. Without a thought I slammed into the men's room. The toilet was "out of order", the urinal was all that was available. It had to be done.

I slinked out.

b. The "Tornado": On the same highway, on my move out to Colorado, in the same car, I tried to out race a tornado. I didn't make it. I had to pull over and park my Geo, with everything I own it to be swept up in the tornado.

c. "Pulled Over": Driving with my brother home from St. Louis, I got pulled over in Red Neck, Oklahoma. The officer came up to the window and asked me to get out of the car. I was 20 at the time and SCARED to death. He walked around the car and looked at my brother. (At the time he had shoulder length hair, a nose ring, and dirty ripped clothing) He brought me into the cruiser. I was shaking and on the verge of tears. He looked at me and said," Do you know that man in your car?" "Yessir." "Who is he?" "My brother." "Are you sure? He's looks a little strange." "Yessir, he does, but he's my brother." " Is he carrying any drugs or weapons?" "No, sir .(praying he didn't have any pot or pills on him)" "I'm going to check your vehicle." "Yessir."

He asked my brother to get out of the car. He searched the Smurf Turd, gave me a speeding ticket and told me to watch out for creepy looking people.

3. Why do the people along Highway 70 in Indiana care so much about where I will spend eternity?

4. Why did my children morph into crazy people when we crossed the Ohio state line?

5. When did my parents get so old?
They repeat themselves, they talk incessantly about the weather, can't have a conversation without arguing, and hound me about getting a new car.

When I was leaving, my mother was at work. So, I believed that my father would help me get ready to go. I was mistaken. We got him out of bed in time to say good bye.

My mother came home to say good-bye and saw that I was watching the kids and packing by myself. She got mad and started yelling at my dad. He got mad. LORD! The kids and I finally get in the car and we are pulling out. My father, standing in his bathrobe is arguing with my mother about the directions she gave me. She's arguing back. Never mind about us...