Road to Nowhere

I have so much to say. It's been a LONG week and am happy to finally be home. I go back to work today and am so pleased. First I will start with my trip then I will ramble with my musings.

Wed: Pack the car in the pouring rain. C. has been up since 5:00, dressed and ready to go. This is when he crawled up my ass and has resided ever since. A. took a little longer to get there but she made room as well. We finally get on the road a half hour late. Okay. Breath. Breath.

After we are going for about a half hour, the DVD player just stops working. Since I have at least six hours ahead of me, it is imperative that I fix it or buy a new one. I am not a handy girl, so we pull over in Collinsville to the Wal Mart that is not open yet. DAMN DAMN DAMN. I'm going home. Nope, wait, there's a Radio Shack. They'll have one. $200 later, we're on the road again. I tell you it is a small price to pay for the safety of my children. (J., who is the Consumer Reports guy, wants to know how much, what brand, blah, blah, blah. Screw you man, you aren't trapped like a rat for six hours in a car with kids. I would have purchased Explosive Brand for $500 if it got me to Columbus and back)

Anyway, we hit road construction, the slowest Steak n Shake in the US and multiple potty stops. Luckily I was able to squeeze a six hour trip into nine. My father of course is in a panic. My husband, not so much.

Thursday: The plan is to go to the zoo. It's the Jack Hanna Zoo, so it's supposed to be great. The last time we went there it was cold out and we saw one animal. There was supposed to a penguin parade. It was a parade of one. I thought we'd give it another try. Of course we are up and ready to hit the road by 9:00. My father, who is insisting that he come along, wants us to wait for him. Fine, except that in order to wait for him to complete his daily OCD routine we'd be there until noon. So, he's crabby. I say, "Dad, you don't have to go. We'll be fine." I am pleading that he stay because I know what will happen. And it did.

We get to the zoo and it is packed. Wall to wall people. I think there were 25 schools there that day. We saw one animal, oddly enough it was the penguin. We had to leave because my father was having an anxiety attack. He could not tolerate all the ugly people touching him. We were there for 20 minutes.

Friday: The cleaning lady is coming so we have to leave. We go see Shrek. Again, I say," Dad, you don't have to go." He comes. I want to see the early show, so that we can have lunch and go home before the meltdowns. He has to crap, then take his dogs to crap. (Due to the anti-smoking meds I haven't crapped in a week and I my stomach is distended about five feet.) The movie is fine, but at lunch A. has a nervous breakdown. She's crying and carrying on about not knowing what she wants for lunch. OOOH NOOOO! Ain't havin it. I grabbed her arm, drug her out of the restaurant and sat her on a bench. I walked away from her because I really was going to kill her. Hell, I'm in Ohio. THEY DON"T KNOW ME!!! She finally pulls herself together and we return. We sit down and C. looks over at A. and in his sweetest voice says, "Thank you Mommy for taking us to lunch. I love you."

Saturday: Pretty uneventful during the day. Went to the butterfly house, where I was terrified that C. was going to try to squish a rare butterfly or something. One landed on me and I almost had a heart attack. My mother, who has a PhD in education was unable to read the sign about the mating birds and took my children into the cage. They quickly exited. Dad was off duty. While preparing for the party C. peed on my mother's newly planted bushes. NICE! Saturday night, my mother had a party for all her teachers and staff at the house, so I took the kids out for dinner. Apparently, we were gone too long. so my father starts calling every 15 minutes to find out where we are. I will admit that I was being a bitch and didn't answer the phone. I'll get there when I friggin get there! I played the ole, didn't change my watch thing when I finally got home. The party was a nightmare. A. spent the whole evening annoying the bartenders with another little girl. I must have yelled at her a hundred times. C. on the other hand was the life of the party. Once the music started, he was shaking what his momma gave him. He donkey kicked and at one point I thought he might head spin. He was funny.

Then, he wasn't. We were walking inside, when one of my mother's employees stopped to tell C. how cute he was. C. then stuck both fingers up his nose and said,"I have my fingers up my nose. I'm funny."

Sunday: WATER PARK!!!! Luckily my father decided to stay home. We went to an indoor water park located at a resort. This resort was snuggly built between an industrial park and a highway. The view was gorgeous. Anyhoo, it was incredibly expensive and very crowded with ugly people with very little clothing. I had to wonder, wouldn't it be better to spend your money on dental hygiene than whole body tattoos? Maybe it's just me. I walked by certain people and thought to myself,"I'll bet he's peeing."

A. and C. had a GREAT TIME! I, of course, had to take A. on all the rides. I am sore from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I didn't know there were special water slide muscles. A. loved the slide where you lay on mat and sail down a slide while water pelts you in the eyes like tiny spears. The heavier you are the faster you go. I went really fast. This pre-teen boy wanted to race. Being the adult I am, as I slid past him I yelled,"IN YOUR FACE!!!"

We are home now and I go back to work today. I have to save my musings for another day...