The Art of Napping

I do not do a lot of things well and I accept that. However, when it comes to napping I am hard to beat. I thought about napping a lot this week as I was very tired. I came to realize that there are various forms of naps and you have to know which on you have time to participate in at any given time or place.

Here is my list of favorites in order of appreciation:
1. The hard core nap: This nap is almost like a night's sleep. It usually follows a late night/early morning error in judgment. In order to take this nap, you must prepare. This is a nap that is at least two hours in length with no interruptions. This is a nap that cannot be taken on a couch or in a chair. This is the nap that returns you to bed. This nap requires no children or spouses or phone calls to interrupt. It is a quiet house nap. This nap also requires the removal of all earrings, belts and often a return to nighttime sleeping garb. This is the nap that you look forward to the minute you wake up in the morning and plan for til it happens. This is also the nap most likely to be thwarted by unforeseen circumstances that will irritate the hopeful sleeper. That insensitive bastard will ask, "What else were you going to do today?" and the napper will respond, "I was going to take a nap." This nap is the most difficult to come by so when you get the opportunity, you must seize it for you know not when it will come your way again.

2. The couch nap: This is similar to the hard core nap in the napper's anticipation. However, the time is limited and a full hard core nap may not be available. This is the time that children are sleeping or your spouse has take the kids out to run errands. This could be about an hour and a half nap if you go to sleep as soon as you hear the door close. This nap requires the removal of shoes and possibly belts and the acquisition of the"couch blanket". The problem with this nap is that as soon as the house is quiet you are trying to will yourself to sleep to maximize what time you have left. The clock becomes you enemy. Sometimes this pressure is too much for the novice napper.

3. The "resting your eyes" nap: This is usually on the couch or in a chair, where there are people still in the house. You have set the kids up with a movie or you have about 30 minutes before you have to be somewhere. You may set an alarm to ensure you get up. This nap requires that you remain in your uncomfortable clothes, with the exception of shoes. You lay in an unnatural position and are somewhat alert to sounds around you. There should be no snoring in this nap. You want to make yourself just uncomfortable enough that you don't mistakenly slip into a full couch nap. This nap may also happen when you are too tired to go to bed while watching TV or a movie. You may end up sleeping on the couch that night. This nap must be used with the utmost care as to not miss engagements or your children sneaking Halloween candy.

4. Finally, the 5 minute power nap: This often occurs in the car on a road trip, airplane or at your desk at work. The head bob, your head sliding off your fist or the startle of someone walking by are the indications that you have fallen asleep. You don't realize that you have fallen asleep and are usually embarrassed when you awaken. The result of this nap is usually embarrassment, drool, stiff neck and an arm that has fallen asleep. Though often necessary this is my least favorite of the naps.

My belief is that naps are good for the most part. The only time you need to be careful and begin to wish you hadn't taken a nap is when you planned for one nap and got another. You also need to be mindful of the time in which the nap occurs. The after dinner nap is a dangerous one because it can lead to a late bedtime and the need for a nap the next day. Only experienced nappers should try the after dinner nap. I always suggest the 1:00 nap. It's after lunch but long enough before bed that you can usually work in a "rest your eyes" nap that won't impact your nighttime routine. Also be aware that even after a 5 minute nap that your breath will smell like you have been sleeping for three day. Butt mouth can occur in minutes....

Finally, I warn you of those people in your life who don't nap. They don't know how to nap, they don't appreciate naps and they think naps are a waste of time. They are jealous people. They are manipulative people and they are people who will look for mundane tasks for you to do instead of napping. They are vindictive and complain that you are "lazy". Please know that you are simply more evolved. Avoid these people, they cannot be trusted.
On that note...happy napping.