Ungratitude Journal

I have been off for a few months working and realizing that my life is not that interesting for much blogging. However, as I was driving around yesterday I started to compile a list of things that I am not grateful for.

1. The word vehicle. It doesn't rank with moist ball sack but it really gets on my nerves. People say vehicle much more than they say moist ball sack, so it is much more prevalent.
2. Grocery shopping. Some people really love to grocery shop. I HATE it. It's always crowded and there is inevitably some old lady who has parked her cart in front of the coffee filters and is reading ALL the labels on the coffee creamer looking for the kind that her friend Myrtle served at last week's bridge game. You may wait a second or two. Then you start to give her the stink eye, but she doesn't see it. You ask her if you could just grab what is right next to her head and then she proceeds to give YOU the stink eye before she moves her cart. Not that that has recently happened.
3. People who don't eat cake at a birthday party. I MEAN COME ON!!! How often do you get to eat cake that you turn it down? If I had cake everyday, I might think, you know I will have cake tomorrow, so I think I will pass today. BUT NOBODY HAS CAKE EVERYDAY! Inevitably it is the skinny bitch who turns down cake so that when you eat your cake you are suddenly VERY conscious that you are the only mother at the kid's party who is eating cake. mmmm....cake.
4. Vegetarians. I really think that they just do it to make the rest of us flesh eaters feel inferior and barbaric. Most of these people wear leather or have leather seats in their SUVs but are going to look down their noses at me because I love McDonald's.
5. Running errands. I know a lot of people love to feel like they got things accomplished. They like to have everything done. I will put off errands until they have to be done. Instead of stopping to get gas this morning I decided that I could make it til to tomorrow because I hate getting gas. I don't know if I think that somehow tomorrow I will have a change of heart and realize how much I LOVE getting gas and thank myself for this special gift.
6. Neighbors. I like having someone who will call the police or the fire department if you are in danger but I really want to be left alone in my backyard with my beer and cigarettes. I want you to stay in your house when I run out to the car.I don't care about what is happening in your life. If you didn't live five feet from me I wouldn't care about you, so why does proximity suddenly make me give a shit?
7. Laundry. It is not so much the washing of the clothes as it is the putting away of the clothes. I wish that I had a laundress.
8. Bad vacation pictures. Everyone wants to see your pictures and when you resemble Miss Piggy with boob, pit and crotch sweat,and hair that looks like a camel sucked on your head,you may not be anxious to pass those around. You might tear them up and throw them away. You may then pretend not to hear when your husband asks where the picture is. He may then call you selfish and vain. You may agree.
9. "Flying squirrel arms." Some labels just stick with you. You may try to work out but you hate working out. You may just wear long sleeves in the heat of the summer.
10. Public restrooms. I have issues with the germs and the random poop swipes and pubic hair.
11. The groups Boston, Bad Co., Blind Melon, Goo Goo and Foo dolls or fighters and all post Nirvana grunge bands. It seems these groups are always on the radio. Who likes this crap?
12. Throwing out a just lit cigarette because someone you know is driving next to you and they are out of their "place" and then you realize it wasn't them. This is also reminds you that you are supposed to quit smoking for the 100th time this year.

So that's a start. I assume that the list will grow as my day continues.