Is that a banjo I hear?

This weekend the family took a trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. I have never been there before and I must say that it was a cultural experience indeed. As most of our trips go, there had to be issues. A., who is never sick, came down with a nasty virus two days before we were supposed to go. I took her to the MD and they assured me it would pass and we should go on our trip. We waited and waited and took her temperature every 15 minutes until it was time to leave. No change. We went anyway. Today, her fever broke...of course.

So, we make the three hour journey to the lake. According to our directions we were supposed to turn on one street. That street was closed, so we turned on the next. As we drove down this gravel road, we saw that we were surrounded by the cast from Deliverance. I swear I could hear banjos playing. Uriah, Bocifus and Zeke were standing in their front "yard" as we drove by. I got a close enough look to see that there were three teeth among them. What was interesting was that they had a fire going. No grill, no pit, just a fire in the middle of the "yard". I wondered if it was flesh I was smelling or the sweet smell of meth. J., who is not one to panic, put the car in reverse and sped back. He didn't look behind him. I don't think he cared if he hit anyone.

Once we arrived at the right place we were pleasantly surprised. The next day our friends, who were joining us on this Hillbilly Getaway, accompanied me to the Wal Mart Super Center to seek out food and beverage. I hate Wal Mart. Not necessarily for all political reasons, simple because it is dirty and crowded and reminds me that no matter what I say, I am an elitist. While there, I was a witness to MANY plain ole Southern style whoopins. No one batted an eye. I don't know what these children were doing wrong but I imagine it had something to do with selecting Budweiser instead of Busch. You don't need to put on airs just cuz you at the lake.

Unfortunately for A., she was sick and didn't get to do much. We put off taking out a boat until Saturday, hoping she would be better. She was a little better so we decided to push our luck and rent a pontoon boat (which is like a bus) for two hours. There were no pontoons available so we had to go with a speedboat. Okay, fine. I get seasick but J. knows this so he will take it easy. We get on the boat and motor smoothly out of the marina. J. then asks C. if he wants to help drive. WHO DOES THAT????? So, C. takes his position at the helm. He can't see over the dash of the boat but he can find the throttle. All of sudden, we are flying. I mean literally FLYING. He is bouncing us across the lake, laughing maniacally with every shriek I make. I had been drinking a soda out of a can. I was now wearing the soda out of the can. At one point I truly believe that I tasted my own kidneys. I was convinced that my innards were about to be my outards. All the bouncing sloshed around the soda and I began to vomit. Luckily I closed my mouth. Unluckily, the vomit entered my nasal cavity and if I had not grabbed my nose in time I would have actually vomited out of my nose. Vomit burns.

We eventually end this Apocalypse Now lake adventure and return home. Luckily for me, A. was wiped and didn't want to go fishing. The thought of handling BOTH fish and worms was too much for this city girl. In the Ozarks, the soda vending machines also provide worms, in the same machine. BLECH!!

Saturday night as we were winding the kids down, I hear one of our friend's children say, "THERE's A BUG IN THE BED! I AM NOT SLEEPING HERE." His father went to investigate. He did not find a bug, rather he found a condom stuck between the mattresses. "What's that?" the children ask. He is a quick one. He told them it was a candy wrapper. He then asked them,"Which one of you is eating candy in this room?" My only concern to with that is when they go the candy store and ask for a Magnum Bar.

We get back to civilization and A starts to feel better. J. is now sick.