I Have Lost My Mind

I know this is not difficult to have predicted but it has officially happened. As I pondered my goals for 2008, they seem to be the same as for the last 10 years: lose weight, get in shape, quit smoking. Blah, blah, blah. Well on Saturday morning after an especially smokey night, I open the mail to find that if I don't quit smoking by the end of February that we will have to pay a $600 fine to the insurance company. My quit date is January 19th.

So, the next thing is getting in shape. I looked and looked for something to do. I hate to exercise so when I was not able to find that sit on your ass class and drink coffee while burning 2000 calories, I had to get creative.

I joined the over thirty women's soccer league. I played last night. I showed up in my running shoes and raggedy shorts. It was supposed to be a pick up game, but these women meant business. They had shin guards and sports goggles and indoor cleats. I was intimidated. So, I get out there. Not so bad. I am running and kicking and falling. Indoor is a little faster than outdoor and I had just had a cigarette on the way to the arena. After about 25 minutes I looked at the clock and THOUGHT it said that we were twenty minutes OVER time. Thank the Lord Jesus. I made it. It wasn't so bad. I get ready to get off the field. Someone shouts to me that we still have forty minutes to go.

As always, I can find someone I hate within the first twenty minutes. I made the mistake of telling my team that I had not played since the fifth grade and may be a little rusty. Well, this bull of a woman took that to mean I was a COMPLETE idiot. She barked orders at me the whole time. She is our unofficial coach. I am hard to coach. However, all the other women seem to respect her and give to her whims. We are going to have problems. At one point as I am mouthing "shut the fuck up" to myself (girl in a bubble syndrome), one of the other players sees me and may have read my lips. NICE!

So, finally I get into the swing of things. I am falling and missing kicks but am really being aggressive and "getting in there". I catch a fast break. HOLY CRAP VISIONS OF FIFTH GRADE COME FLOODING BACK!! Down the field I go. I am moving pretty fast for someone who has not moved faster than a stroll in ten years. I can't believe it. I am totally rocking this. BLAM! I trip over the ball and land on my face. I can't even blame anyone else for charging me. I just plain ole fell. Maybe I do need coaching.

It is my turn to play goalie. I am a big ole baby so this may not be the position for me. I am okay because it gives me a chance to catch my breath. I have jelly legs at this point and may actually be hallucinating. I think I see chasers. My hips, hamstrings (if women have those) and lower back are making it known that they will pay me back dearly for this offense of exercise.
The field turns towards me. It takes me a minute to realize that I am not a spectator but actually the last line of defense and these women are going to be kicking a ball at my face in a matter of seconds. PANIC!!! The ball comes flying at me, but not at my face, rather my thigh. (Luckily they are big these days.) SMACK!!! The sound of ball on flesh, my flesh. Pain shoots up my leg!! That is gonna bruise. I try to shake it off. I can't let them see me cry. But it really hurts.

Finally the game has ended and it is time to go home. I wobble home, the imprint of the ball tattooed into my leg. My legs begin to spasm with every step. What have I done? They want me to come back next week. They like me....they really like me.