OB/GYN, Job interview, Early American Day and Potty Training

Potty training SUCKS!! C. is 3 1/2 and should be potty trained by now. I know, I know, he's a boy and blah, blah,blah. I am tired of cleaning up poop. This is big kid poop and it' s just gross. I was reading someone else's blog and she wrote about how sad she is that her second baby is getting older. She became sentimental about the joys of babyhood and toddlerhood and how sad she is that she will never get to have another baby. All I kept thinking, was first, WHAT A FREAK! and second, she's never potty trained anyone. If I ever thought of having a third, potty training would change my mind.

C. will not do it. I have bribed, praised and have now resorted to bullying. The only option I have left is to strap the toilet to his butt all day. The only time he wants to use the potty is to avoid going to bed. He's a sneaky one. I'm thinking that saving for college is a waste of time, we need to be saving for rehab.



SMELLY FEET
What is it about going to the GYN that makes me get dressed like I'm going on a date. I wear the "good" underwear with matching bra(it's pretty easy to match white), take a long shower, shave and put on nice clothes. It's just really weird that I care so much about what a doctor who sees ten women a day thinks of my hygiene. I just imagine her doing a breast exam and flashing her a tuft of pit hair. However, the thing I fret about most are my feet. I do not have nice feet but they're not horrible. There is something about having my feet so close to someone's face that makes me worry for her safety. Never mind she's got her face so close to my butt, but it's my feet that I worry about.

This visit was pretty normal. I got undressed and was thankful for the cloth covers. Paper is so scratchy. I neatly folded my clothes, underwear hidden discretely underneath. You'd think the care I put into picking out my underwear I would have been wearing them on my head. I left my socks on. I always do. It's not about the cold stirrups, it's totally about the feet. As if that thin bit of fabric would keep my noxious odor from knocking her on her butt. In general, my feet don't stink, however I become OBSESSED with my feet during these appointments. After the breast exam, in which I was sweating so much that I saw her wipe her hands from touching my armpits (gross, maybe shoulda been worrying bout my pits), she asked me about my IUD and if I checked for the string every month. She must have guessed the answer when she saw my face contort into that," I smell poop face". I don't feel my boobs monthly and they are on the OUTSIDE!!

She wants me to get my herniated bellybutton fixed. (A. did that to me) I asked if they did tummy tucks at the same time. She didn't laugh.


JOB INTERVIEW:
got real sweaty
had butt mouth from coffee
new cute outfit
got the job
they must be desperate

EARLY AMERICAN DAY:
I volunteered for the first time at my daughter's school this morning. I was really nervous. I did not want to embarrass her or myself. I smoked BEFORE I took a shower, so I wouldn't smell like smoke, I showered, put on clothes (no Mom jeans) and put on make up. That was a lot for me. I thought I looked pretty good. I might even get a nod from a "Good Mommy" instead of the usual scared smile.

After arriving I realized that Good Mommies fit into particular cliques. None of which I am a part. I fit into my own group. The Invisible Moms. I'm the mom that people meet a hundred times and say, " I'm sorry, have we met?" I'm the mom that no one can remember when they say, "Who's A.'s mom? Is she here?" Granted I'm not around much and I didn't join the Mother's club or say the rosary, but COME ON!! Maybe they just didn't recognize me when I was clean.

Being invisible does have it's perks. No one asks you to volunteer again. They forget about you. Flying under the radar may not be such a bad thing. I was able to identify other groups as well. You have these women in your life, I just know it.

Hot Moms: They are young or look young. They dress like they're going clubbing instead of volunteering at school. They are very popular and very thin. You may also refer to these as "thong moms". They tend to dress their daughters a little slutty. The girls often have faux fur collars and knee high black boots. I will never be this.

Frumpy Moms: These women look like moms. They wear Mom jeans and oversized Mom sweaters. They volunteer for EVERYTHING! They know everybody's kids and parents. They organize parent get togethers and insist on playdates. I had a conversation with one today, she was a close talker and kind freaked me out. The NICE mom that I have the weekly playdate with is one of these. (I gotta figure a way to get out of this playdate thing!!!! She made cookies today and talked about the evils of smoking!!! I can't take it!!!) Their kids are really going to hate them one day.

L.L.Bean Mom: These women look like they just got back from a run and a breakfast of bran. They shop at Whole Foods and encourage the other mothers to bring healthy snacks. Their kids have matching clothes and the girls always have bows in their hair. Their kids are NEVER dirty or untucked. I predict these are the future sociopaths. How can a kid live on trail mix and organic milk and not get a little screwed up?

And finally there are the Invisible Moms: I'm one and don't really strive to be any different. Most of these mom are working moms, so you don't see them very often. They are kind of like the "regular dads". You assume the kid has one. Their kids get picked up by babysitters and are always a little disheveled because these moms don't always get the clothes ironed and laid out. Most often it comes out the hamper.

I think the saddest mom is the wannabe mom. She wants to be in the good group but just can't make it. Most often it's the woman who was cute and popular in high school but now fits more into the frumpy mom world than the hot mom world. You all have a picture of that one in your head. Her kids are dressed "too" perfectly and she invites all the hot mom kids to parties. She shuns us invisible moms. She makes me laugh.

Needless to say, I made it through the crafts and chaos and was able to sneak out virtually unscathed. We have a party with these people tomorrow night. There will be alcohol, so I may not be so invisible tomorrow. I think I could move into a whole new category. SCARY, DRUNK and LOUD Mom. I know that is J's favorite.