My life til now

I have decided to post some previous emails about the mishaps of my normal life. If you have already read them, please be patient, something embarrassing will happen again.

I don't know why I swallowed that fly...

I chased a fly around my house for two hours tonight. It buzzed in my ear, it landed on the television screen, it made a feast out of my dinner and finally there was silence. After almost knocking over a lamp, nearly smashing my television screen, spilling my beer and waking ahouse of sleeping children I was finally victorious. I felt calm to return to watching my evening of murder and drug shows.

Where had the fly gone?Well, as I was cleaning up for bed I took the drink of my well deserved beer only to discover that I had swallowed that fly. How do you know you may ask yourself. Is your beer lumpy going down? I don't think so. Since you all know me very well, you have to know that the first question that went through my head was, " Was this a fly who had dined on dog poop and trash earlier this day? How much fecal matter had I ingested in that one small fly?" Needless to say, I understand why the woman who swallowed the fly thought she just might die.

Sweaty

For those of you not in St. Louis, I will tell you that the weather was pleasant enough for a morning in late August. The temperature, approximately 68 with slightly high humidity. I took great care in selecting my outfit this morning. I wanted to make a good impression, professional, stylish, yet able to hide those unsightly sweat marks that for me are a part of life. Navy blue.

Anyhoo, apparently I have to walk quite a great distance to my class. The sweat begins. No biggie, I have 15 minutes to reapply deodorant and freshen up in the bathroom before class. Yes, I carry deodorant in my purse. I enter the classroom, set up when the Dean comes in and says we have a room screw up and we need to move. No biggie, until I have to climb three flights of stairs. The sweat begins again. The room was not hot, in fact most of my students were shivering. I, however, began to look like Martin Short from his SNL days, when he plays the guy being interviewed by 60 minutes. The sweat actually got into my eyes, rolled down the side of my face and down my back. I don't even want to tell you how large the sweat rings under my arms were. I think they reached my knees and actually wrapped around my waist and met in the middle. I think even my elbows were sweating. My sweat actually rolled off my face and landed on the syllabus as I was distributing it. NICE!!!!Do you think I am being talked about? Well, now I know to wear a hat and dress completely in black for the rest of the semester. The rest of the class went well and I hope that first impressions don't REALLY matter.

Mama said there'd be days like this...


It started late last night. I had eaten Hardee's for breakfast, Steak and Shake for lunch and pizza and wings for dinner. Mix that with a chocolate shake and some beer for good measure. I must say that I had a bit of a "funny tummy". I decided to take a Ducolax to relieve some pressure. I also knew that if one worked well, TWO must work great. Monday AM, the children are already fighting by 6:15. GOOD MORNING!!!! The Ducolax has worked and I am feeling SOOO much better. It's time to move on with the day. I drop A. off at school and C. and I head to Target to get some errands done. Well, once in Target, I decide what the hell, let's do some grocery shopping and am deciding upon which of those flavored waters to buy, when KONK!!!! A two liter of water bounces off my head and crashes to the floor. Water is spilling everywhere. As the good neighbor I rub my head and go off tofind a Target employee to inform them of the spill. The woman I found yells into her Walkie Talkie, SOMEBODY GET THE BLEACH AND THE WET VAC. THIS LADY DROPPED A BOTTLE OF WATER!!! But, but, but, I didn't drop it, it fell on my head. So anyhoo, the "clean up" people came and roped off the area so no one would get hurt and proceeded to treat the spilled water as though it were hazardous material.

A little embarrassed about the scene we had created we quickly swooshed to the other side of the store.While browsing the toy aisle, trying to convince C. that if he started using the potty he could have any toy he wanted, I started to feel a little shakey. Then I started to feel a little sweaty (and not the usual Shannon Sweaty). Okay, I didn't have breakfast, maybe I'm just a little light headed. THEN THE RUMBLE!!! THEN THE CRAMPS!! This was no hunger problem this was SOMETHING ELSE! Now we've all had that experience where you think, I know I can finish what I'm doing and makeit home to my nice clean restroom, or at least I can check out and sneak into the public restroom without a scene. Well rumble got louder and I realized that in fact I had to abandon my full cart in the middle of the toy aisle, yank my screaming kid and RUN to the bathroom. No scene.I thought I could make it. I almost did. Luckily I mostly made it. So what the hell do I do now? I don't want to upset the sensitive, so let's just say we made it home, with all our groceries. THe best part is that behind us in line to check out was a parent from C's school who was very chatty. The whole time I am talking to her I am thinking to myself, "About 3 minutes ago I crapped my pants."

I am home now, resting quietly and will remain at home for the rest of the day. I think it's just safer that way.