An Apology to My Kids

I owe my kids an apology. Not necessarily for anything I've done yet, but for what I will likely do in the future. Here's a list of things you will hate me for in the future.

The first thing I need to apologize for is that I am REALLY LOUD!!!! I don't mean to be loud, I just am. When you almost fall into someone or I am relieved when I thought I lost you and I shout, "JESUS!!!" and all the good Mommies smile uncomfortably and look away...I'm sorry. I will laugh louder, talk louder and walk louder than anyone else's mom. Unfortunately I often say things you'll regret, and I'll say them REALLY LOUDLY!!!

I am sorry that I will yell at you in front of your friends. If I see you doing something I don't like I will become a bullhorn. The only explanation is that I have poor impulse control and sometimes you guys piss me off. Sorry.

I'm sorry that I don't take a shower before I drop you off or pick you up at school or school activities. I'm sorry that I have crazy hair and raccoon eyes. I'm sorry that sometimes I forget to brush my teeth. I'll try not to talk to anyone you know on those mornings.

I'm sorry that I wear my pajama shirt and a raggedy baseball cap when all the good Mommies( who I know talk about me) have on their day clothes. At least I've put a bra on and am wearing real shoes and not house slippers.

I'm sorry that you are not going to get to do all the afterschool activities that your friends are doing. There's really no reason other than I am lazy, do not enjoy your friends' mothers and would rather buy new clothes for us than to pay for gymnastics, karate and dance. It's not like you'll go to the Olympics or anything.

I'm sorry that our house and car are always a mess when your friends come over. YOU MADE THE MESS!!!

And finally I am sorry that you will not keep up with the Joneses. You will not get a cell phone, you will not have the best designer clothes, you will not have a nice new or used car. You may not even get to go to college. I have no reason other than, your dad is cheap.

I embarrassed my daughter today. She's six. How do you explain to a six year old that she better get used to it? I embarrass her dad on a regular basis, so why should she be different.